I don’t know if it is a symptom of my mental illness, or just my character, but I think about death every day. If anything goes wrong or feels different in my body, I think it is terminal. That is an example of my anxiety, and fear. There are other times though I think about developing an illness and dying, and I’m not frightened at all. I am totally at peace with it.
I have a couple of wishes about my dying. I want to have several months to prepare for it, and I hope that I go with a happy and peaceful heart. I want to be a person who is pleasant while dying. I want to share the experience with my husband and those who care about me without bitterness, anger, or depression.
I pray I can manage that.
If my wishes comes true and I have time to prepare for my death, I want to write my own obituary and plan my own funeral. I have already picked out one of the songs I want played several times (so people really hear the lyrics). Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrotsEzgEpg
I also want to create a video collection for my husband over a month (or how much time I have). I want it to be videos of me laughing, talking to him about things I think are important for him to remember, and a visual and audio recording telling him how much he is loved. I want him to be able to turn on these videos and be reminded that someone thought he was the most precious person out of all the billions of people on the planet. He was, and will always be, number one for me.
I also want to have time to create twelve months of letters for my husband. I want to give the letters to a friend to mail the first day of every month for a year. That way I will be able to send my husband a message every month for the first year after I am gone. The letters would be encouraging. Telling him to try and be happy, to try and find things he loves to occupy his heart, his time, his mind.
When I think about what I want to leave behind in this world, it’s not much. I don’t care if I never make it to a best seller list. I don’t care if I never win a Pushcart Prize. I don’t care if I don’t have a lot of money to leave as an inheritance.
I want to leave some of my love behind, and the creative ways I found to love the most important person to me.
This is what I want my legacy to be:
Creativity and how I used that to honor love; a once in a lifetime love.
If you are reading this God, please take notes.