Tags
Advocate, anxiety, creative nonfiction, disability, mental health, mental illness, psychology, schizophrenia
I want it both ways.
You read that correctly, both ways.
I want to be treated as someone special and at the same time, I want to be treated the same, as an equal.
I thought about it on the plane when I was having an anxiety attack. The seatbelt light was on. The seatbelt light was on for a very long time, because they made us sit on the runway for an hour before even starting our flight. I wanted to go to the bathroom. No, I needed to go to the bathroom. Not going to the bathroom was contributing to my anxiety. I wanted to tell the flight attendants, “I have schizophrenia, and anxiety. I am having a hard time right now, can I please use the bathroom.”
I wanted those flight attendants to treat me differently, to understand, to show compassion, and to make an exception about moving about the cabin while the fasten seatbelt light was still on.
I didn’t tell the flight attendants. I was eventually allowed to walk to the back of the plane and use the bathroom. I struggled with my anxiety for four hours. It was difficult, and painful.
At the very same time I wanted the flight attendants to break the rules for me, I thought about how I don’t want to be treated any differently. Even though I have schizophrenia, I want to be treated the same as everyone else. I don’t want people to “accommodate” me, with the exception of my husband. God knows, I could not make it without the accommodations my husband is willing to make for me.
The difference between my husband’s accommodations and someone else’s is that I share my paranoid thoughts with my husband. When my husband makes a choice for me, it is from a place of knowing. He knows that I am battling paranoia and makes a decision based on that.
I never tell strangers about my thought process. I don’t think I have ever told a friend either. Some of my friends know what my paranoia is like from reading my writing, or from me joking about it afterwards, but my husband is the only one I trust in the moment when things are not right in my mind.
I understand that this is a very delicate dance I want, this dance of having it both ways. In one way, I look at it as a good sign.
On the plane I wanted to tell someone besides my husband, that my mind had turned against me, and ask for their help, on the other hand, I constantly want to be at my best and prove that people with a mental illness can handle everyday life and situations. I want to be seen as the same, rather than different.
It isn’t true though. I can’t handle everyday life. Sometimes everyday life turns into a battle for me – me against my mind.
It will be a huge step for me if I one day reach out to someone besides my husband and tell them I am struggling. I hope if, and when, that day comes that I am met with compassion, empathy, and action.
Maybe, I don’t want it both ways, maybe my true desire is to be understood, accepted, and assisted. Maybe, I’m tired of fighting an illness where the only two warriors are my husband and I.
I hope as well that when that day comes, you are met with a compassionate person who accepts what you are saying and supports you. You deserve that, as we all do. It must be so tiring to feel like it is you and he, all the time, against your illness and the stigmas attached to it. You are breaking through those barriers by coming out and being vocal about what it feels like to have this illness. In time, there will be others who surround you who hopefully will learn and understand what it takes to fight this on a daily basis. Congrats on flying and for making it through.
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Thank you! Yes, flying has become a huge hurdle. It never used to be. This is new to me, and I hope I can overcome it.
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I hope you can too since you have said you enjoy travel.
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I hope you get that too from someone you reach out to. If I knew you in person id do all I could to help you through it! Well done for flying, im terrified of flying haha not been on a plane since I was 14 and its been ten years now with no holiday 😦
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Thank you. Yes, flying is a huge hurdle these days, but I try to get through it.
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Great post! I’m reminded of the Twilight Zone episode with the man on the plane who sees the gremlins on the wing. Thanks, I fly tomorrow on business! 🙂 Regards!
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That is a scary episode!
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What an interesting post! Shouldn’t we all be “special but equal”? After all, most of the time, the rules are the rules and should hold for most everyone. But in almost any setting you can imagine, the rules that work for most are unreasonable for a few people, because of a physical or mental illness or disability, or because of their age, or because they don’t speak the language, or who knows why. In a truly compassionate society, we would respect the rules most of the time, for the benefit of the group, but we would also facilitate exceptions for those who really need them.
I know the world will not always be compassionate and accommodating to you when you say “I am paranoid” or “I have schizophrenia” – even though you deserve that accommodation as much as someone who says “I lost my leg in an accident.”
Does it ever just work to say something like, “excuse me, I’m really feeling sick; can you let me get up and use the restroom?” I feel like I am often looking for indirect ways to get some flexibility when I can’t really say, “I’m desperately depressed and can’t function right now.”
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A very thoughtful comment. Thank you. I agree with you, the whole incident could have went down differently, but I just focused on what the incident made me think about at the time. Yes, I would hope people would respond to someone in need from a place of compassion. Next time I will say, I’m feeling sick! Anxiety often prevents me from thinking of clever alternatives.
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Everyone needs help from time to time. Everyone has an issue that needs to be addressed…something that makes them feel special.
I am a recovering alcoholic and am also clinically depressed. There are times, perhaps at a party with friends, that I need to leave because I am feeling overwhelmed. I reach out to the host and maybe my friends and tell them I’m leaving and why. I need their compassion and understanding. I need their help.
In this way, you are not really all that special, you are the same as the rest of us who are in need of a helping hand from time to time. You may feel yours in more severe (and I would tend to agree) but I think you’d be shocked at how compassionate and loving people can be once given the chance.
Bravo on getting through that plane fiasco – the airlines just piss me off sometimes! Turn off the damn sign and let people pee!!!
Sherry
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I agree, everyone needs help from time to time!
Flying on an airplane these days is awful!
Thanks for your insight.
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