Tags
anxiety, creative nonfiction, delusions, fear, panic attack, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, travel, voices
I feel defeated.
Yesterday, I cried and begged my husband to drive us from Florida back to California.
I did not want to get on that plane.
The sad thing was that I knew my husband would have agreed to take a week off and drive us home if he didn’t have a deadline that he has been working toward and stressing over for months. He hates to see me struggle.
I took an extra dose of medicine.
I got on the plane. I made it to North Carolina, and I got on another plane.
I am back in California and I don’t intend to leave the ground for a while.
My husband told me he will take me on a vacation to San Francisco this month. Correction, my husband told me we he will drive me to San Francisco later this month.
Although, I wasn’t able to overcome my symptoms this time, I did learn something very important while traveling.
I can’t tolerate noise.
In the airport people were talking at all different levels. Some sounded like they were muffled like in another room, others sounded like they were screaming, and still others sounded like they were having a conversation close by me, because of course they were. All those voices created a very loud sound. I felt like the voices, because some were distinct and others were like whispers, that they were inside of my mind. It made me feel like I was hearing voices. It was a terrible sensation and I know that is what started my panic attack. I felt like I was hearing voices again, my voices, the ones I can’t trust to keep me safe, and the ones that mean I am psychotic, and need to get to a hospital or doctor.
I am alone five days a week. I sit in a room in complete silence and I write, read or I am on the Internet. I don’t listen to music. I don’t turn on the television. It is completely silent. That is my world the majority of the time, and that is the way I am comfortable.
I first realized that sound could cause a panic attack for me when I went out to lunch before a poetry workshop with two of my women friends. The restaurant was so loud we had to lean in deep to hear each other talk. After we left, and started to go to our workshop, I began to feel anxious. When we arrived at the workshop people were laughing and talking and my anxiety increased to a point that I couldn’t sit still. One of my friends went on a walk with me, and I told her if people would just be quiet I would be okay. I knew they weren’t going to be quiet though. My friend had to drive me home, I had to miss the workshop and take more medicine to calm down.
It was like that only worse in the airport.
Those voices, those hundreds of voices all sounded like they were inside of my head…whispers, shouts, conversations all competing for my attention. My anxiety soared because I could not block out the sound of those people talking. Of course I knew that the voices were coming from real people, not disembodied voices in my mind, but it didn’t help. My anxiety was too strong for me to overcome alone.
I’m sitting here, at my desk, in my chair, in my living room, and the only sound is the clicking of the keys on my keyboard and an occasional car that drives down the street outside. I may feel defeated, but I learned one more trigger that causes me to panic and that is a valuable tool to tuck inside my tool chest and to function in the world as a woman trying to beat schizophrenia.
re: I am alone five days a week. I sit in a room in complete silence and I write, read or I am on the Internet. I don’t listen to music. I don’t turn on the television. It is completely silent. That is my world the majority of the time, and that is the way I am comfortable.
that’s pretty much me. 😦 I had such a hard time when my son lived w/ me! I am in a small efficiency and it was nice to see him but so hard! It is good to know what makes us tick and untick. 😦
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Hello. About sound. Is it just human and man-made sound that you can’t tolerate at times ? What about more natural sounds like birdsong or dogs barking, stormy weather etc.
All the best. Kris. 😀
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I don’t know. I just discovered this about myself. I imagine it is mostly loud voices. That seems to be the trigger for me …lots and lots of people talking all at once.
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I see your new understanding of self as somewhat empowering — limiting, yes, but still, it’s good to know exactly what one can and cannot tolerate. And now you know. There are boats to Paris:)
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Sensory overload can be extremely challenging and limits what we can do with our daughter…no malls, movie theaters, busy restaurants, concerts, sporting events, large stores like Costco or Walmart are out of the question. We have a quiet life and that’s ok…in fact, it’s more than ok…we have peace and quiet in our life. Again, you bring up something so important discussing sound/crowds. I’m so glad you shared.
I’m glad you made it home with greater insight about your life.
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I’m glad you made it back ok and gained a little more insight into your triggers. I’m sure it helps others as well to read about this topic.
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Such a struggle! Some people I meet seek noise to drown out voices, In your situation I wonder: have you ever tried noise-cancelling headphones? There’s an outside chance, slim but real, that I might arrange for free one if you’re interested. I know a psych nurse whose husband works for Bose, and has arranged some donations to our unit. In any case, take care of yourself – Greg
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I would welcome the chance to try those headphones! It sounds like a great idea to try – couldn’t hurt.
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I’ll see what I can do. Even if not free, I can get you the info – Greg
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Thank you! It is very much appreciated.
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I feel much better alone in a quiet room too. I imagine being unable to tolerate such environments may be disappointing sometimes. Case in point: the workshop. Anyway, the quiet life is awesome so I hope you’re feeling much better now in your sanctuary 🙂
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Thank you. Happy to be home. 🙂
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I wonder if I am trying to beat my illnesses anymore or If trying to live more comfortably with them. My body has many needs as I’m also the owner of a genetic illness. I didn’t ask for it, and I suppose, if I could, I would be rid of it. But if I was rid of it, would I be as compassionate, would I care about the babies who die from it? Would I have the slanted eyes some find so beautiful but I dispised all my life? Would my high, round cheekbones be gone because my genetics were different? I am trying to live with my illnesses today. I know it is out of fashion for me to say (and this is only mine to say, I do not say this is for others, please know this for true) I am Bipolar 1, I am my genetic disease, it is in my blood, it is in my bones and my eyes and my neurology and my skin. My acceptance of it, my understanding that too much stimuli will bring on a neurological event has to be a given for me. I must be ok with that, some people are allergic to perfumes of strangers, I am “allergic” to too much “strangers” of strangers, so to speak. I will always be surprised by it, I will never beat it because it isn’t out to get me, it is simply a part of me, like my cheekbones and eyes that I hate and others see as just another piece of me. Maybe our biggest foe to beat, is the self-doubt we place on ourselves? Maybe we don’t believe that we can make it in this world or that our legs are string enough? Maybe that’s what we are beating?
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I have no problem looking at this the way you do. Although there are time when I feel like I am fighting my illness because it is so hard, the symptoms so difficult. I wish I could always say I accept it, but the truth is I cant. Some symptoms are just too much of a struggle to overcome and it feels like a battle. It seems more gentle to say I accept my illness rather than I am trying to beat it, but when it gets tough, in order to survive, I have to fight. Does that make sense? Loved your post though.
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I completely understand it. When I take my pills to stop my kidneys from raising my blood pressure to dangerous levels, I suppose I AM fighting it, so yes, I completely understand.
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That should read “strong enough” (argh)
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