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activist, Advocate, anxiety, bipolar, hope, inspiration, mental health, mental illness, psychiatrist, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, writing
My first diagnosis was bipolar with psychotic features.
I was in my twenties when I got diagnosed. I read everything I could find about bipolar disorder and read about all the famous authors, singers, artist that had the illness. I wanted to be a genius.
At that time, I didn’t really think about how it was going to be a lifelong illness that I would need to monitor and make the effort to take care of myself. I went on and off my medication.
The part that really showed my immaturity though, and probably cost me fifteen years of the wrong treatment, was how I described, labeled, and defined myself.
If I was feeling happy or silly or joyful, I was manic.
If I was sad about a break up or having difficulties getting out of bed, I was depressed.
Sure my psychiatrist at the time gave me the MMPI, and tested me for a personality disorder (I don’t have one), but other than that tool, what did he have other than my description of my moods to try and treat me? And my description always followed what I knew about the label he had given me.
This may not sound like a big deal, but I don’t even have a mood disorder, I have paranoid schizophrenia, so I was treated for an illness I didn’t even have, because my initial diagnosis was wrong, and stayed wrong until sometime in my forties.
I see other young people do this – describe every single event, every single emotion through the lens of the label they have been given. This is dangerous, a psychiatrist isn’t with you twenty-four hours a day and they don’t know when you say that you are depressed that you are really just suffering from some sadness, due to events in your life, sadness that everyone would feel to one degree or another. This kind of inaccurate reporting can lead to medication change after medication change with the psychiatrist never really believing they are getting the doses right for you, or me, or whoever.
I am an old timer where mental illness is concerned. I have lived with my illness for over two decades. I currently have the correct diagnosis, and I am constantly trying to improve how I live and how I deal with daily symptoms.
If I am sad, I do not tell my psychiatrist that I am depressed. If I have spent several days very happy, I don’t tell him I am manic. I don’t do these things, because I know now that my moods are actually very stable, and I don’t have bipolar disorder.
When I was diagnosed bipolar, I always watched my moods now that I know I have schizophrenia it is my thoughts where the symptoms show up.
I don’t tell my psychiatrist about every worry I have and call it paranoia. I know the difference now between things I worry about and things that are considered paranoid. I don’t see everything about me through the lens of schizophrenia. If I did, my doctor would probably have no choice but to continue to experiment with my medications and the dosage, because he would believe I have far more symptoms than I actually do, because when you see yourself through the lens of your illness everything is a symptom.
I am always learning which thoughts I have that are similar to other people, and which thoughts I have that are tied to my illness. It is life changing to realize how much I share in common with people who have never been diagnosed with a mental illness.
I’m thankful that I gave up describing everything about myself as part of a label, because psychiatrists are not mind readers, they can’t live or see your illness. You have to tell them about it, or they have to witness it (which isn’t always possible). And they are there to try and help you function at the highest level possible for you, so if you tell them you are paranoid, depressed, manic, etc. when really, you are worried, sad, or happy, they are probably going to change your medications.
Once again I find myself saying, I am more similar to those without a mental illness than I am different.
I always thought the phrase “Celebrate differences” was cool. Now I say we should celebrate our similarities, because that is the way to overcome stigma and stereotypes, and get the best possible treatment.
That is a wonderful idea Celebrate our similarities ….like we are all human for a start. Great post
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I agree that not every worry is ‘paranoia’. I try to remember that when talking with my doctors. All they have to go on is my word. I take that very seriously.
Sometimes it can be hard to see my doctor because I try to define my life as so many other things than simply Schizophrenia or mental illness in general. But seeing my doctor is a reminder to me that he or she is only in my life because of the illness. So it can be a struggle to talk about what is going on in my life without it being viewed through that lens. It’s the same for the Dr. I believe. All they ever see of me is when I’m there for a checkup. I’ve had great doctors whom I knew did not view me as a mental illness only. I’ve also had doctors who, more or less, treated me just as ‘Schizophrenia patient number 3’ or whatever.
You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but do you rotate doctors often, or have you had a single one for years? I tend to rotate every year.
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I tend to stay with doctors for long periods of time. I have had to change when we have moved, and that has happened twice. One of my doctors moved away, and most recently, I had a doctor who I was very attached to that left her practice. I am really just getting to know my new psychiatrist. I will stay with him as long as I can though. He is also a general practitioner along with being a psychiatrist so I would like him to be my doctor for all health issues, but his other practice is full right now. I tend to get pretty attached to my doctors and I tend to develop really good relationships with them. Does, that answer your question?
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Yes it did. Thank You. I was curious how things worked when a doctor stuck around. It’s always a little awkward getting used to a new doctor. I’m glad you found someone consistent.
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I think it is awkward getting to know a new doctor too. I find after about two years together, we get our best work done. I have a lot of hope for my current doctor for several reasons but one is that he was mentored by my last psychiatrist who I thought was fantastic.
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This reminds me of my mom. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar with mixed episodes so my mom got all the books about Bipolar. She would say that pretty much everything I was experiencing was because of bipolar. One doctor even suggested I had BPD (mostly due to the self-harm) so my mom was all over BPD and then said everything I was experiencing was due to BPD. It wasn’t until about a year ago I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Once I was diagnosed I felt an immediate relief because this felt right. The other diagnoses never explained it all like Schizoaffective did. My mom is in denial that I have it though. I’m not sure how she can deny it though and yet was totally on board for the other diagnoses.
I agree that it’s important to be impeccable with our words to get the best help.
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love that last bit. Yes we are all so similar!!
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Thanks for commenting on my post earlier today, I agree that we both wrote something similar, along the same lines. I agree with what you have said, not everything we experience is because of mental illness. Great post.
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This is a fantastic post. It’s so true…Thank you for sharing this. 🙂
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Thank you for your comment!
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Pingback: Differential Diagnosis for Schizophrenia | Schizophrenia Resource Guide
Hi there, after reading your posts I have nominated you for the ‘Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award’. You aren’t obligated to accept, but if you do you can find all of the information through this link: https://berripushesthroughinsanity.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/once-a-victim-now-a-survivor-award/
I chose you for this award, because you the way you write about mental health brings so much clarity and hope to me. Thank you.
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Thank you so much for the award. I am honored. I went to your blog and now I am following you. I look forward to catching up on your posts and reading about your experience. I am not going to post the award to my blog, because I don’t know WordPress well and I am lucky just to get a post up and published most days (as you will notice I have no images, or anything fancy going on). I hope you understand. I think the award you nominated me for is great! I welcome it, and I thank you again. Have a great week, and thanks for being here.
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You’re welcome and I understand ❤
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🙂
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