When the psychosis starts to break, and I try to get comfortable going from a loud and crowded mind to hearing what I call the trails of voices left behind; a word here, a word there that gently floats across the mind. I am frightened.
I have started the recovery from the terrors, and the delusions, and there is nothing to keep my mind steady.
I must find a way to comfort myself and to begin to build back up a stronger mind. By a stronger mind, I mean that during psychosis my mind feels as if it is open and vulnerable to every bit of stimuli and every piece of information. I have to find a way to close that door so that I’m not taking in and connecting information so rapidly.
I watch Christian television. I watch it all day long. For six months I believed I had a direct link to God, most of the time believing I was Jesus. I believed I heard God’s voice and that he was directing me, teaching me, entertaining me, and keeping me company.
I replace my delusions with sermons from Joel Osteen, John Hagee, Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer, and many others. It is a transition period for me.
As my mind starts to strengthen, I realize that Benny Hinn does things I don’t agree with. I begin to think his approach is not Christian, yelling, “Touch!” and people fall to the ground. What does that tell me about living the message of the New Testament? What about all those people who believe and are not healed? Benny Hinn starts making me uncomfortable, and I stop watching him.
After two months, I am watching fewer and fewer preachers. I begin to question Joel Osteen. I love his message, but it isn’t exactly Biblical. It is more along the lines of pop psychology. He is wildly popular, because his message makes you feel good. I continue to watch his program, but I watch it with a critical mind.
I am extremely uncomfortable with preachers who constantly say that God speaks to them. I question their sincerity, and I question their minds.
I search out other preachers on Youtube, and in books, and I find ones that have a solid Christian message; “Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you.” I start reading the Bible.
I look for the passages and stories that make me love Christianity; Jesus welcoming a prostitute, and tax collector, Jesus touching the untouchables, Jesus healing on the Sabbath, Jesus welcoming women, and Jesus giving the Sermon on the Mount.
I fall in love with the man who I believe was revolutionary. I understand why people who have changed the world, like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., studied his word and his ways.
It is difficult to believe you hear the voice of God for six months and then to have that voice dry up and go away. It is difficult to accept that all you heard was a delusion. It is more difficult to find your way back to a faith you have had all of your life, and try to make some sense of it.
After a psychotic episode, it takes all of your heart, your mind and your soul to find a way home.