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I love a good deal. I shop at thrift stores, love sweepstakes, raffles, and anything free. I wait in lines at conferences and fairs to get free pens, hats, canvas bags, and writing tablets.

Yesterday, we went to Costco. It was a weekend day, so they had samples located throughout the store. When I am at Costco my desire for something free, and my disgust at the way people behave, come smashing together. Some people at Costco act like the free samples are the last meal they are going to have, they push ahead, they grab, and they leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get around them.

I love to get the free samples, but I refuse to act like a jerk in order to get them.

We were walking to the bread aisle, I saw a woman in a hairnet, and I knew she had samples of something from the bakery department. There was no line. There were a few squares of what she was serving left. I walked forward, and popped a small piece of buttered bread in my mouth.

With my issues around food, it is surprising that I am not extremely thin. I have so many things that get in the way of eating, most of which are paranoid thoughts, that it is a wonder I eat at all. I do eat though, my doctor says I am at a healthy weight, and I think I am at least fifteen pounds too heavy.

As soon as I chewed and swallowed the bread, I regretted it. If I could have thrown it up in the middle of Costco I would have. I tried to control the thoughts that flooded over me. I was in the aisle with all the blankets when my head started to spin a little bit.

I couldn’t find my husband. I saw his black hair and red shirt a few aisles away, and I walked towards him. “I shouldn’t have eaten the bread. I am so f***** paranoid right now.”  I rubbed my hands across my face which is a habit or something genetic, because my dad does the same thing when he is thinking, or uncomfortable.

My husband, in his always supportive manner, started asking me rational questions. I answered.

My love of getting something free, and my paranoia came head to head in Costco. I’m going to have to miss out on something free when we go shopping at Costco. I won’t be sampling the food in the future, but at least I don’t have to worry about being a jerk just to get a small taste of bread or cheese.