Tags
creative nonfiction, food, mental health, mental illness, paranoia, paranoid, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia
I love a good deal. I shop at thrift stores, love sweepstakes, raffles, and anything free. I wait in lines at conferences and fairs to get free pens, hats, canvas bags, and writing tablets.
Yesterday, we went to Costco. It was a weekend day, so they had samples located throughout the store. When I am at Costco my desire for something free, and my disgust at the way people behave, come smashing together. Some people at Costco act like the free samples are the last meal they are going to have, they push ahead, they grab, and they leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get around them.
I love to get the free samples, but I refuse to act like a jerk in order to get them.
We were walking to the bread aisle, I saw a woman in a hairnet, and I knew she had samples of something from the bakery department. There was no line. There were a few squares of what she was serving left. I walked forward, and popped a small piece of buttered bread in my mouth.
With my issues around food, it is surprising that I am not extremely thin. I have so many things that get in the way of eating, most of which are paranoid thoughts, that it is a wonder I eat at all. I do eat though, my doctor says I am at a healthy weight, and I think I am at least fifteen pounds too heavy.
As soon as I chewed and swallowed the bread, I regretted it. If I could have thrown it up in the middle of Costco I would have. I tried to control the thoughts that flooded over me. I was in the aisle with all the blankets when my head started to spin a little bit.
I couldn’t find my husband. I saw his black hair and red shirt a few aisles away, and I walked towards him. “I shouldn’t have eaten the bread. I am so f***** paranoid right now.” I rubbed my hands across my face which is a habit or something genetic, because my dad does the same thing when he is thinking, or uncomfortable.
My husband, in his always supportive manner, started asking me rational questions. I answered.
My love of getting something free, and my paranoia came head to head in Costco. I’m going to have to miss out on something free when we go shopping at Costco. I won’t be sampling the food in the future, but at least I don’t have to worry about being a jerk just to get a small taste of bread or cheese.
):
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I’m sorry your symptoms cause such a reaction that you described, it must be very hard for you. I can say I have (along with bipolar) severe anxiety, which in no way matches the level of schizophrenia. I can definitely agree with you about how people stampeded the samples, poor things they must be starving,,,!!! (Sarcasm LOL)
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Thanks, just another day, another battle. 🙂
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I can’t go to Cosco. I get totally overwhelmed with the crowds, tall shelves filled with a plethoras of product options and long lines to the checkout. Going to Ikea is even worse. The winding aisles to nowhere are scary to me. In fact, I don’t even like going to Vons.
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I do pretty well at most places unless there are lots of people with anger issues.
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I love your blog. You are so honest.
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Thank you!
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When the news team on TV reports that the robber, killer, arsonist was found to be “mentally ill”. It is as if we are all suspect. It makes me want to go back on time and deny everything. As soon as a person seeks help you are in the ‘system’. I wonder how they would find anything out.. I thought there was patient confidentiality.
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I don’t know how they know. Good question.
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I forgot to say that I hate this…
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You hate the way the media reports on people with mental illnesses? If that is what you meant, I agree.
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Yes that is it exactly.
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Good post. Glad I don’t suffer with that issue! I have no problems eating anything from anywhere! So much so my wife worries that one day I will end up with food poisoning or worse. You do have an advantage though, I hate shops like Costco and can’t get myself in them. Thanks for your post
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Joel does the face rubbing too! 🙂
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