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antipsychotic, creative nonfiction, medication, mental health, mental illness, psychiatry, psychology, psychotic, schizophrenia
I have read articles that suggest that having a psychotic episode damages the brain. I have read other articles that suggest that it is antipsychotic medications that damage the brain. Either way, it seems to be true that people with schizophrenia (I don’t know if it is all people with the disease or just some) lose brain mass over time.
My husband teases me about the way my brain works. He says, “You don’t even see that pile of laundry, you just walk right over it.”
He has said that same thing many times over the last six or seven years, and I have always laughed, because I hate doing laundry, and I really do see the pile, I just choose not to do anything about it.
This past weekend, my computer was acting funny, and I thought the video card was going out, so I switched over to write on my husband’s laptop. The only time I have used the laptop is when we are on vacation. I saved all the work I was doing to the desktop of the laptop.
When my husband got home I asked him to help me switch my work from the desktop to the N drive on our home network so the work would be protected and backed up. My husband asked, “Why didn’t you save it to the N drive to begin with?”
The truth is, I never thought of it. I have only used the laptop when we were away from home and the N drive was unavailable. It didn’t even occur to me that at home, the laptop was connected to the N drive.
My husband laughed and said, “You never make those connections.”
It was the first time I truly understood what he has been saying about how my brain works. I don’t make connections.
My husband gave me several other examples, and I was stunned. He said, “You really never see the big picture.”
I had to agree. I don’t.
I know as I age some of my symptoms of schizophrenia get worse, and some seem to get a little better, but I never thought there was a possibility that I had lost some brain functioning.
I tried to remember how I solved problems as a young woman. I tried to remember how I solved problems before my last major episode. I couldn’t think of any supporting or negating evidence about my lost gray matter.
During job interviews, the interviewers have frequently asked, “Are you a big picture sort of person?” I am fairly confident I would always say yes, and that I didn’t get lost in the details, but saw an overall view of the work and the role each person played.
Now, if I was asked the same question, in order to be honest, I would have to say, “No. I don’t see the big picture. I focus on details.”
But the truth is I don’t really think my brain works that way either. I’m not sure I focus on details.
I try to tell myself this is why I don’t like reading too much about schizophrenia, the news is rarely good.
And in this case, I think I have lost something, probably something important, but I can’t seem to place exactly what it is.
I have become so forgetful over the past few years it is scary. I attribute it to age and menopause, but it is no fun.
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I wonder how much of this is just human behavior because I swear, it’s almost like you described half the people I know!
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HA HA! That is so funny!
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Have you told them? Or have you forgotten who they are :-p Great comment
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I’m definitely one of them!
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You didn’t have to implicate yourself!
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No shame. We’re all human.
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I wonder how much of this is just human behavior because I swear, it’s almost like you described half the people I know!
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“It didn’t even occur to me that at home, the laptop was connected to the N drive.”
In our home, our whole family recommended their mum had her own laptop. We had all become frustrated with the way she used the home computer and browsed the internet. What was obvious to the rest of us was not to her. After months of repeating the same stuff, forming a queue whilst she scanned a webpage as though reading a novel, come to the conclusion “mum” would never change – more hardware was the answer. Mum was very pleased!!
She has no label other than “mum” (and a very gorgeous soul mate for me). And she was completely unfazed by our frustration – she does what she does, and it makes perfect sense to her.
I wonder sometimes if labels get in the way.
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Good point.
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Absolutely, we use labels to try to separate ourselves from what we see in ourselves but hope others don’t!
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Hi! Lovely post, I really enjoyed the order you are writing, so that it is really easy to get along! Good work 😉
As you are explaining your thoughts, it doesn’t seem to me as you are loosing your mind at all. I know this may sound stupid, but people change and they also chance their way of reacting to situations and thinking. So I think it is a really natural thing, that is happening to you. I hope I could help you in any way 🙂
Have a great day!
Claudia from Divisionclaudia.wordpress.com
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Thank you! Yes, it is possible that I am just getting older. 🙂 Thank you for your support and comments.
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You’re welcome! :))
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I agree. These posts are too well written for the writer to be missing grey matter!
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Thank you! 🙂
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Hi! Yes you’re right 🙂
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This is beautifully expressed. Do you ever wonder whether your response to a situation is normal human behaviour, or it’s because of the illness? I think a lot of people would relate to the part where you describe your absent-mindedness.
stay strong!
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Thank you. I’m not really sure. I know I was higher functioning when I was younger, but I’m not sure if it is just age, or my illness.
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I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be. Please keep posting, I really like your blog and look forward to it.
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Thank you! That is really nice to hear.
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You’re probably fine. Now get in there and do the laundry:)
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HA HA HA!
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Brilliant! Actually I have a son who would get home from school/work (yes he has never changed) drop his bag in the doorway to his room along with shoes, socks, etc., then spend the next few days stepping over them to get into his room. He is now in his mid thirties, married with a three year old son – and hasn’t changed! Fortunately his wife….is just the same! They are not ‘dirty’ just terribly untidy, if that makes any sense. We are always on their backs about it but with only limited success. However they are a beautiful couple, great parents to our grandson, and very caring and supportive toward us and my condition, I wouldn’t trade them for a tidy version!
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🙂
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I’m with the previous commenting on your post. We change the way that we store stuff as we go along. Also a friend of mine used to say that we have a finite amount of memory so at some point anything new incoming just pushes the oldest stuff out the back of your head.. Joking of course. You have a beautiful articulate brain. I’m sure you husband will agree! 😀
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You are DEFINITELY not alone! Not on the memory thing.. HA!
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The brain is very plastic and changeable. I doubt you can live long enough to use up all its potentials. I bet you just keep forging new neural pathways through challenging yourself. I can’t say for sure–I only have my MS 🙂 but the body is wondrous and resilient. And there is God, IMHO. He has made you just right!
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I have always been highly intelligent (but not humble lol) but in the last few years, I’ve gotten a bit dumber 🙂 I think it happens as we get older. But if it’s from the depression, I am going to be SO incredibly pissed off LMAO.
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Take a deep breath, then another one, and another….
Each of us deals with the minutiae in life, in and with, our own unique way. A mental disorder, physiological/biomedical, or simply whether or not we have a vested or even desired interest, can manipulate the manner in which we evaluate our sense of being. Every single brain is different in it’s fingerprint of pathways. I’d encourage you to celebrate that you are functioning and contributing in spite of your illness. You are not injuring others or yourself. None of us can measure our losses of function as we age, that’s what aging is all about. What we can, and should do, is to exercise, eat healthy, socialize and stay mentally sharp thru engaging in activities that stimulate our brain. You may look at your oversight as a failure, of sorts, but I would love to think of you seeing it as a challenge and one that you learned through. I see today as an exercise in growth. You may have “overlooked” something, but on any given day, so do I and anyone else that is honest enough to admit it.
Kudos! Can you come over and teach me about the different drives on my system?
☕️
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Yes, I will teach you about the different drives on your computer! HA HA! Thank you for your support.
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We are all in this together. 🙂
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🙂
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I’m with the others that would hesitate to attribute what you describe to schizophrenia. We all notice changes as we age. Plus we live in an age of information overload, so there is just too much to take in, and we have to filter things out just to function. And some people are more a see the trees/miss the forest kind of person. I have a colleague like that, and she’s great for checking on the details of our research reports. I guess what I would say it that it might be that what you’re experiencing is due to either schizophrenia or medications, but it sounds pretty similar to what plenty of people without schizophrenia experience as well. That means we’re *all* losing our minds, but at least we’re in good company!
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HA HA! Thank you! Good news, everyone seems to think I am just fine!
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I don’t know if I commented or not; I often wonder if it’s my bipolar meds causing my forgetfulness etc., or if indeed I have early alzheimer’s. My psychiatrist says it’s probably the depression and not to worry. But I want to worry!
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I was worried until I read everyone else’s comments. Seems to be a common problem 🙂
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I understand. I have lost a good bit of my MIND. From Migraines and health problems.
Danny has trouble understanding that. Yet, he is starting to lose part of his memory. Different causes. Age mainly.
Some of what is happening though, sounds very normal to me.
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You are more NORMAL than you think.
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It is hard to know for sure what is happening.
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Well you made someone with morning depression laugh 😃. That is a great post on many levels for me. I think you can be assured that much of what you describe is not confined to those with schizophrenia. What you describe about ‘big picture’ and ‘making connections’ could easily have been describing me. I think often these problems come and go in waves, and depend a lot on our state of mind at the time. When it comes to making connections I am a dead loss which causes my poor wife great distress. When I start writing on a subject, I will just keep expanding and including and describing as I see it. Later my wife will read my post and come to me terribly upset, “what were you thinking, can’t you see how that sounds, how it makes me look?” Oh %#£^ done it again, I didn’t see it at all, not at all. This is someone who worked in management in a very large organization where ‘big picture’ thinking was paramount. We are only just coming to terms with the fact that this is a symptom of my depression. Now, I never write and post, I always leave it and go back later and rewrite. Your posts are way to well thought out and written for there to be too much brain damage yet :-p …. Keep up the good work!
By the way if you don’t mind I want to repost this on my blog in the future, is that ok?
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I’m glad I made you laugh! Of course you can post it, that would be great. 🙂
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Thanks I will slot it in shortly, have a great day
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Cool, thanks!
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Reblogged this on My Blog About Living With My Mental Illness and commented:
Another great post
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