Tags
delusions, hallucinations, mental health, mental illness, psychiatry, psychology, psychosis, psychotic, schizophrenia, therapy, voices
The first time I thought I was Jesus, I imagined people from all over the world coming to stand below our balcony in Hollywood, and clamoring to be near me. I imagined the rich and poor would all come to be healed from whatever ailed them. The voices I heard told me not to let the world know that I was Jesus or I would never be able to live a normal life. That’s what the voices said.
The voices.
Being psychotic and hearing voices is like living inside of a fantasy novel, one that changes from mystical to a thriller in an instant. Each piece of information you are exposed to becomes part of the story, so the story that only exists inside your head, takes its plot twists and turns from the real world around you. The delusions are complex, at times pleasing, and at other times, terrifying.
For instance, the second time I thought I was Jesus, which was a totally different delusion than the first time I thought I was Jesus, all of the information I would hear from the television would become a part of my delusions.
If there was a report about the war, then that became a part of the end of the world scenario I was having delusions about.
Someone was murdered? I wasn’t surprised, because the end times would be violent.
If there was news about the stock market crashing, I would attribute it to the new economy that was coming.
Connections were made instantaneously and the delusions kept growing ever more complicated and detailed. The story, or in this case, delusions, grew organically from all that was actually happening around me.
During a psychotic episode the mind is able to create such elaborate and incredible delusions that even the most seasoned artists couldn’t portray the complexity in writing, painting, music, or sculpture all the twists and turns and incorporation of so much information that is the result of psychosis.
I once saw a therapist that said, “I envy you for going through something I have never gone through, for knowing something I may never know. You have experienced something incredible.”
I stopped talking to him at that moment, and never went to see him again. Envy is foolish under most circumstances, but to say you envy the person who has been psychotic is beyond foolish, it is to wish upon yourself a tortured mind.
That therapist was WOW! CANNOT believe he would say that maybe he had some issues!
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Hi. I see your point. All the very best.
Kris.
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No offense, but even though seem like a perfectly nice person, I’m kinda glad you aren’t Jesus. 😉
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I laughed so hard when I read this!!! 🙂
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I’m so glad you addressed this issue. I recall telling a friend (who is deeply into new-age metaphysical spirituality) of one of my relatives that our younger daughter was not at a significant event because of her health. In the course of the conversation, I shared that she was struggling with psychosis and the event would overwhelm her. Her eyes lit up and she appeared to become titillated when I mentioned psychosis…she could barely contain her excitement…she was very eager to “help”…she wanted details about the psychosis. I put an immediate halt to the conversation. If she had to endure even ten minutes of the painfully horrific psychosis our younger daughter endures she would have behaved differently.
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Wow, I had no idea that anyone would relate to this post. I’m amazed by your experience, and not in a good way.
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I hope she meant well…but my first assumption, based on her controlled but obviously enthusiastic energy, was that she saw my daughter as an intriguing spiritual project…I could sense that the subject matter excited her and it was very unsettling to me. I was polite but shut down the conversation within a matter of seconds.
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Yes I don’t believe there is any excuse for being that stupid…”how I envy your experience with cancer”, “oh I wish I could live through a disabling car crash”, unbelievable! Great comment.
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That is a really weird thing for a therapist to say. Glad you stopped seeing him and found someone new.
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A of mine when psychotic once “saved” me and my family. The world was at war and bombs were dropping everywhere. He was Jesus and made sure only flowers dropped on us. I was so moved!
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Thanks so much for sharing this. I think that therapist should think himself lucky you didn’t ‘crucify’ him!! (Sorry jokes are not my strong point and usually completely inappropriate)
I have a couple of close friends who have these experiences and I have always admired the way they actually are able to come out of them and then carry on as if it had never happened. I think it shows that despite their sickness they are special, that goes for you and all who do the same. Thanks again
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It takes me time to get over being psychotic. I think the damage it does to my self esteem is probably the worst part of recovery.
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I can believe that. Mine is ‘just’ depression but I know that so often my actions during those times leave me feeling rather battered.
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Yes, battered is a good word for it.
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OH yes it’s fascinating! stupid …. I wonder how many other people he said that to who are still going to him
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I don’t know. I hope he changed his thoughts about it.
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me too!
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