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bipolar, caregivers, family, hope, inspiration, marriage, mental health, mental illness, psychiatrist, psychiatry, psychology, psychotic, schizophrenia, spouses
There are times when the darkness is so thick you can’t find the hand of the one you love.
Up until a few months ago, my husband and I lived in a very private bubble. We kept my diagnosis protected from friends, family, and coworkers. It was the two of us in our little sheltered environment fending off the world.
Then I became psychotic and I closed all the doors to my husband. I severed the ties. I no longer communicated with him. He was alone, in a new city, with a new job, and in order to protect me, and our secret, he couldn’t talk to his friends or his family.
We lived together in the same house, but voices had overtaken my mind and my attention. I sat for hours listening to the things they had to say. They were too loud to ignore. My husband had lost me to my illness, his friend, his confidant, the woman he had created a private world with, was unreachable.
I think back on that time that my husband was isolated and alone. One of the reasons I recently came out publicly about my illness is that I never want my husband to be that cut off from the rest of the world again.
I can only imagine how lonely and frightening that period in his life was. He must have wondered if the woman who laughed hard and loud and danced in the most ridiculous fashion in order to lift his mood, would ever come back to him.
He must have mourned. There must have been grief. There must have been fear. He must have suffered to know the love of his life was a few inches away, but not at home.
I write this because mental illness doesn’t just happen to the person who is diagnosed. It happens to spouses. It happens to parents. It happens to families. The people who care for us suffer too in the most profound ways.
We all need to be better friends, better brothers, better sisters, better aunts, better uncles, and better parents to the ones who are often overlooked in the battle of mental illness. The people that care day in and day out for their loved ones need understanding, need support, need a shoulder, need an ear.
We need to shine the light on the true impact of mental illness. We need to openly offer a hand, one that can be taken, and held.
I am touched that one of the reasons you become open about your illness was so that your husband could get support. Our family didn’t speak about my mom’s illness very much until after she passed away, and I think we missed out on a lot of support during that time. Very nice post.
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This really has me thinking, I’ve never really given a thought about friends or family that could be affected by someone’s mental illness. I’ve always thought it was only the person dealing with with the illness that was affected. This has really opened my eyes.
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Many of the people who follow my blog are caregivers, or family members of someone who is mentally ill. It is very hard on them. Thank you for the reblog! I appreciate it!
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Reblogged this on behindclosedblinds and commented:
I’ve never really thought about mental illness this way. About how it affects more then just the person dealing with the illness.
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F.A.B.
I read this and had a flashback to a time of loss in our family. Family members died in close succession across three generations. My wife “shut down” and shut me out. I guessed at why – but boy did it hurt – and both of us were so alone there was no strength to share. Only later (a long time later) did she slowly reconnect and tell me that she imagined me dying as well and could not stand the pain of being “connected” if that had happened.
What you write is so gut-wrenchingly honest – so full of love (as always) that it crosses all boundaries and labels.
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Your story sounds painful. Thank you for your kind words about my writing – your words honestly make my day.
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Excellent! Thank you for sharing .
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And now it’s out … well it won’t ever have to go back in again. Good. Good. 😀
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Absolutely loving and beautiful post…as for myself, we (my husband, our older daughter and myself) understood that our daughter’s psychosis was shutting us out but…because of our unconditional love…we could patiently wait for her…but what was so painful to us was when some of those nearest and dearest to us fell away or blamed/shamed us…when there was no one to blame for her illness…a failure in brain chemistry is not a failure in character…and that includes the character of my husband, our older daughter or myself. Thank you for the beautiful post.
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That is heartbreaking. No, there is absolutely no fault to be found – it just is, and we all have to deal with it the best way we can. You and your family are an inspiration to many.
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Thank you…and know that there were also some wonderful family and friends who stood beside us along the way and were very supportive…but I was stunned by blame and shame that came our way. Our younger daughter was an honor student, athlete, musician…a natural positive leader…and it came on so suddenly…so I imagine their first instinct was to blame because the sudden transformation didn’t make sense. If I could get one message across…it would be to refrain from blame in a crisis…just take the crisis head-on with love and compassion.
Again, thank you for a great post that inspires progressive conversation.
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Xo
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U are very brave!
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Thank you!
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Dang! You are just so smart, and your blogs are so thoughtful! This one is so loving and beautiful. You are very right–our spouses suffer too from our mental illnesses. Mine never became so isolated, but in my effort to “protect” him from what I was going through, I allowed a distance to grow between us that never had to be there. Since I have opened up more, we’ve only grown closer, and I’m all the more grateful to him for his support and understanding.
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Beautiful. 🙂
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Talking about our illness is the first step, the most frightening one. People would rather ignore those who have a mental illness than try to learn about it. In my family they are angry and ashamed. My friends are my refuge and my hope.
Thank you for your post. You are light amidst darkness.
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Thank you! 🙂
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Thanks for such a good post. I think this is such a common topic, most mental health bloggers seem to have at least one post about it, I have written about it because of the grief I caused my wife. But she is still with me and next week it will be our twenty seventh anniversary!!
Just stick with it
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Happy anniversary! Congratulations!
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