Tags
delusions, hallucinations, loneliness, mental health, mental illness, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, symptoms, travel
Before my last big psychotic break, I was spontaneous. When I was dating my husband, I would drive from Tacoma to Los Angeles, or hop on a weekend flight to see him. In 2006, my husband and I quit our jobs, sold our home, bought a van, and toured the country for six months. As a surprise, I once bought us tickets to Paris. I was always up for adventure. I was always up for a new experience.
So much has changed since then.
While my positive symptoms of schizophrenia (hallucinations and delusions) have decreased, my negative symptoms, the ones that have the most impact on a patient’s quality of life, have increased dramatically. (I know it sounds confusing to call anything about schizophrenia “positive” but that is the way doctors break the symptoms up.) An article about positive and negative symptoms can be found here).
I am no longer spontaneous and I no longer have the desire to socialize. Both of these are considered “negative” symptoms that adversely affect a person with schizophrenia’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I love when I see them (a group of our friends are coming over tomorrow for brunch), but I can go weeks without talking to anyone face to face besides my husband. I know it isn’t healthy, but the actual drive or desire to socialize is gone. I have to remind myself, usually my husband reminds me, when we haven’t seen our friends, or gone out for a while. It has nothing to do with how I feel about people. I still love the same people, I still meet new people, and want them in my life, but there is nothing driving me to socialize like loneliness, or boredom, or a need to connect. No need for excitement, or a sense of adventure. Those things are what are missing.
No loneliness? No boredom? No need to connect? No need for excitement or adventure? I find these symptoms to be killing what was once a big part of my personality.
I really hope the symptoms don’t continue to take the spark out of me, and leave me as a person who is contained mostly in the mind, because I find the thought of living most of my life alone, in my unreliable, and at times terrifying mind, unthinkable.
” … because I find the thought of living most of my life alone, in my unreliable, and at times terrifying mind, unthinkable.”
You have a way of creating something special. Your words connect across labels again and again. And I find a bag of thoughts running around my own mind every time I read yours.
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Thank you for always being so kind and supportive about my blog. 🙂
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Even across labels that include “normal’, because her second to last paragraph could describe me. (If not for the lack of terrifying thoughts, I might suspect that I need a new label.)
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I have a really good friend who frequently says, ” I feel like you are writing about me.” She doesn’t have a mental illness. I always feel good about that.
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I’m so happy that you’re willing to share some of the most intimate stories of your life so that me & others can learn (& i’m sure as a creative outlet for you). I’m so sorry you’re stuck with this horrible sickness. As I said in previous comment , I look forward to reading your blog. Although I know no one with schizophrenia, you do help educate me. I am a medical assistant & always interested in anything pertaining to medicine. I’ve learned to associate the ‘positive’ symptoms (although UNWANTED) are hallmark added symptoms of schizophrenia, & the ‘negative’ symptoms (again UNWANTED) to what schizophrenia robs of it’s sufferers personalities. Again, thank you for sharing, & I hope the best for you & your husband
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BTW I have BP2, severe anxiety/panic attacks.
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You know what it is like then. I have panic attacks too, and I find them to be horrible. I really hate anxiety. Hope you are doing well!
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In doin’ thanks, last night bumped up my Lithium due to anxiety/panic & mood change. Others have it worse, i’ll live
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Oh no. I hope you can get stable and comfortable soon.
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Thanks hun
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Thank you. My dream is to make a difference with some of my writing, and if I can help one person understand, then I have been successful! Have a great weekend! 🙂
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Have a great weekend too
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I spend a lot of my life living alone in my mind. Sometimes it’s a scary place, and other times it feels securely predictable. I do worry that I narrow my range of experience by spending so many of my weekends home, deliberately eschewing social engagements.
I don’t know what would be the right balance. But I think I understand something about what you mean, even though I don’t have schizophrenia. Mental illness takes a lot of things away.
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I have heard from people without a mental illness that they have a difficult time with this balance also. It must be common. I don’t know, it has only been a part of my experience for the past five years.
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Sadly, this is the reality when living with this condition. Either we live maniacally or dead-like. Taking chances congers up fear of falling into panic, panic draws us to the edge, and the edge is someplace we do not want to tumble into.
All too often I think this is the reason many people stop taking their medications. If we are ‘just being’ then we are not experiencing life. We are missing our cohesive connections. We stop our meds, and we spiral, and before we know it we are fighting the blue-white sheer panic, knowing we are in trouble.
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Thanks for your post it is a great topic, I have had many people mention this to me, not all suffer with mental illness.
With my depression I have to be very careful because I am all to happy to just cut myself off from everyone. Like you I like my friends, I love my family, but something inside me just likes to be alone.
I have just this week found that the cloud of depression has lifted, first time I ever remember this happening (I will be writing a post about it), still I find that same desire to be on my own…maybe it is a writer thing! Too many things running around in my head and people just get in the way of getting it written.
Hope your day is a good day…thanks agsin
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I’m glad to hear your depression has lifted. That is fantastic news! 🙂
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Long may it last. I’ll be happy with fifty fifty…had it for fifty years, don’t have it for fifty years!
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