Tags
cars, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, time
After over ten years, we decided to sell our 1997 Honda Civic. We bought a 2012 Civic as our upgrade. My husband is the kind of person who keeps very good care of his vehicles and we drive them long and hard.
My husband put a for sale sign in the window of our old Civic and the next day a man who is working on a construction site across the street called to make an appointment to see it. I had asked my husband to give it away to a service that sells cars and gives the majority of the sale price to your favorite charity. But my husband insisted we would be able to give more to our favorite charity if we sold it ourselves.
I didn’t want him to meet with strangers, drive with strangers, and be alone with strangers, because I have heard of several people who have been killed selling cars on Craigslist.
I was happy someone that worked across the street wanted to see the car before my husband put the ad up on Craigslist.
The night my husband was going to show the car, we talked on our cell phones to each other. I opened the window of our third floor condo and looked at my husband as he stood on the street. A man in a white truck pulled up. I said into my cell phone, “Is that him?” My husband asked the man a question, and then told me, “Gotta go.”
I stood in our window and mentally noted the way the man and the woman with him looked. She weighed 100-110 pounds. She had straight black hair pulled into a ponytail. She was less than 5 feet tall. He was wearing a muscleman white t-shirt and jeans that were baggy without a belt. He wore plastic sandals with socks. His hair was in a crew cut. They drove a newer model large white truck.
I made these notes, because I knew that these people were about to get in our car with my husband and drive off. And if anything happened I wanted to be able to give the best details I could to the police.
At one point both the man and woman looked up at me in the window. “Good,” I thought. “They know I am watching.”
The man took the driver’s seat of our car, and drove off, the woman stayed behind. I closed the window and went to my desk to check my e-mail. Not too much time passed and my husband came running into the condo with the thumbs up sign. “You sold it? Does he have to go get the money?” I asked.
On his way out the door, my husband said, “No, he has the money with him.”
At dinner that night my husband asked, “Was it your illness or your personality that made you watch those people so closely?”
“I don’t know.” I said, and then continued, “When I was in my early twenties, before I ever got sick, I trusted everyone. I would bring strangers home who I had met in the park, or on the ferry, or at a restaurant. I wasn’t afraid or suspicious back then.”
“Were you really scared?” He asked.
“No. I was just considering the possibilities and being cautious. If I was really scared, I would have been with you.” I said.
Old cars, new cars, old ways, new ways, this illness changes and morphs over time. Yes, I am paranoid every day. I guess it comes with the diagnosis, but when I’m not psychotic I can often keep the paranoia from causing me problems or being too disruptive in my life.
Maybe, in ten years, when we are ready to sell our new car, I will have to ride along in the car with my husband to reassure myself that he is safe. For now, I am comfortable at the window which is far from where I would have been ten years earlier – I wouldn’t have concerned myself at all.
Like time, the illness marches on. I only hope it doesn’t destroy all the best parts of me.
Another really good post from a really good writer. Your husband’s question struck me. My personality type is INFJ, sometimes known as “The Protector”. If it had been my daughter selling the car, I would have been at the window doing the same thing.
My husband and I were sitting in his SUV in the parking lot of a Dairy Queen eating ice cream cones one day. A very young woman (possibly teen) was sitting on a picnic table obviously waiting for someone. She kept pulling a brush from her purse and brushing her hair, pulling a mirror and checking her makeup. Finally a middle aged man came and sat beside her. She looked surprised, as if she was meeting him for the first time. He put his arm around her and she scooched a little bit away. I grabbed pen and paper from the glove compartment and jotted down the make, model and color of his truck – which was parked right beside us. As we pulled away I wrote down his license plate number. So I could give it to the police if I heard a news report of an abducted teen. What I wish I had done was get out of our vehicle, go over to her and ask if she was okay.
Like you, I trusted everyone when I was young and did some really stupid things as a result. Maybe we are both older and wiser, maybe we’ve read too many horror stories, maybe it’s my personality and you personality and/or illness. I don’t know, but I pray your illness will not keep pace with time. I pray it will come to a complete halt.
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Wow, that is interesting. Honestly, I don’t know what “normal” is because I have spent a quarter of a century with a mental illness. That fact really plays havoc on any sense of “normal.” Thanks for your post, it is interesting, well written, and well thought out. I also find it supportive. Thank you!!!! 🙂
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Wow another great informative psst! I have bipolar 2, and am Very paranoid, way to much. When I was very young, 5-7 I exhibied multiple signs, Sux, characteristics of bipolar. I just assumed that was just me. I continue to carry the paranoia with me to this day. Now makes me wonder,,,
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Paranoia is a beast!
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I’m anxious & paranoid ALOT! often it consumes me Ugh!!
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That sucks! Hang in there!
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Thanks, dealing with it forever
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I think that is becoming the norm these days as we live in the age 24/7 news and it skews our sense of safety. It is why so many parents are helicopter parents now.
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You could be right! 🙂
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I continue to think about this post. It is really hard to know how to view what is going on. There ARE a lot of potentials for harm in every day life, and the news is quick to push them into our faces. And yet most of us are able to move about the world with at least a moderate sense of safety. Or maybe it is an illusion of safety? Not sure. I feel pretty safe most of the time. But I do notice that when I am very stressed my thinking leans towards obsession, and I can become a little paranoid in the sense of: Are they thinking bad things about me? Whey aren’t they answering my email? Etc. I don’t think I qualify for a mental health diagnosis right now but the closest would probably be Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I am really wound up.
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Oh, I hope not…anxiety is a terrible beast. I do think that anxiety is one of the most common struggles people have though, and it is rough. I hope you have a nice weekend! 🙂
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Yes it does march on. You are doing well if you can actually let your husband get in the car with strangers, keep pushing the boundaries!
My wife wouldn’t let me do that, or go most places on my own, for her it is abandonment issues. Between her BPD and my depression life is never boring, but regularly very very sad.
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