Tags
artistic, essays, expression, fear, lawsuit, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, writing
If thoughts could generate power, my mind would have lit up all of Southern California on Thursday night.
I received notice from an online literature magazine that they would be posting one of my stories on Friday. It had been over a month since I had last read the story so I read it again. It was a story about the power of color, but that is not all. It was also a story about my ex-husband and something way less than flattering that he did. I changed the name, but I knew if anyone knew us from that long ago time in our lives, that they would know who I was actually writing about.
By the time my husband got home, I was in a state of full blown paranoia.
I wrote to the magazine and asked them not to run the essay. I said it needed editing. I didn’t hear back from them right away so I shot off another e-mail telling them that, in the article, I didn’t think I took a strong enough stand on a very important feminist issue.
My husband and I needed to go grocery shopping, because we were having family come to stay for the whole weekend, so I had to leave my computer and couldn’t check every second for a response.
We try not to go grocery shopping when we are hungry, and we were both hungry, so we stopped at Chipotle for dinner. During the whole dinner I ran through every scenario I could think of on how my ex-husband was going to sue us for my story about him. My husband tried to reason with me. My husband tried to rationalize the situation. My husband tried to go step by step on why my ex-husband wouldn’t have a case against me. I was so worked up, that I believed we would soon be in the middle of a horrible lawsuit and end up broke and on the street.
We went grocery shopping. All I could think about was keeping that essay off the Internet.
When we arrived home from dinner and shopping, I immediately checked my e-mail. There was a message from the editor. He understood. He asked me to revise it and send it again, or consider sending him something else entirely.
I screamed. I hooted. I ran to my husband in the kitchen waving my hands over my head. I was elated. For many minutes I made the sound “Whoo whoo whoo…”.
The spell of paranoia had been broken, but not without taking a part of my artistic license and expression with it. There is always a price to pay for mental illness. The cost is always high. I’m tired of paying the toll.
I have said many times that I should start a group called Overthinkers Anonymous. Maybe I get a little paranoid sometimes and don’t realize it. While I haven’t gotten as worried as you describe in your post, I can feel pretty anxious once I push the “publish” button on my blog–even though I try to be careful not to tell stories in a way that is cruel or unfair, I do still tell stories which sometimes cast others in an unflattering light. Hmmm…There are two reasons I do not use my real name (though you are welcome to know if if you wish to): I don’t want my client reading my personal business and I am afraid of hurting or angering someone I care about.
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I always appreciate your comments, they normalize some of what I experience at least to some degree 🙂 I was beside myself about that essay, I really was. Sad that I feel like I can’t always publish my work, but my mind is too fragile to deal with the possibility of someone accusing me of ruining their reputation or some such similar thing. I changed the names, and everything but got all worked up anyway…my mind can be such a beast. Love your comments. 🙂
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Thank you. I enjoy your blog so much! It is a privilege to get such personal glimpses into your life. Especially such well written ones.
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Very kind, thank you! 🙂
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I get that way too sometimes and I’m not too paranoid (i think). I do believe that you will find the strength and skills needed to overcome the anxiety and paranoia soon!
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I do not have a schizophrenia diagnosis and I think I would have reacted in the same way. I think it’s a writer’s paranoia, not entirely unjustified. It’s such a litigious society. I’ve written things in my blog that mentioned no names, but like you said, anyone who knew me or of recent events in my life would have connected the dots. Sure enough, someone found the post and asked me to take it down (not even the subject of the post, who’d abused my son and confessed to the crime). It was a school principal. Anyway, long story short, I took the post down, and you know what? I regretted it immediately. The principal had shut me down, censored me. I think it’s always a good idea to have a resource who could advise.
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Yes, it can be terrifying to write the truth (as we know it). I try to write mostly about myself and my husband – no trouble there.
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I definitely react this way to a lot of things too! I could definitely be a part of the overthinkers anonymous group!
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It appears that many of us belong in that group together!
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Once again I find myself reading your post and having to double-check it also contains that phrase “mental illness” somewhere! I am also beginning to wonder if I need another opinion on the way my own brain connections fire – the way you reacted here is so like that in others and myself (similar scenarios ).
“There is always a price to pay for mental illness. The cost is always high. I’m tired of paying the toll.” Very true. In this case I read the words of someone who sees no merit in hurting others – or yourself and your loved ones.
I call that normal (and lovely) loving.
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Thank you! I always love your perspective. 🙂
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Someone once said something like “..the truth shall set you free! ” Staying with the truth in speech and in writing without embellishment can alleviate fears and doubt. I have done and felt this for myself.
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Yes, but we have to be careful when writing about other people. 🙂
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I agree.
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“There is always a price to pay for mental illness. The cost is always high. I’m tired of paying the toll.” Nothing more true than that. x
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I agree! 🙂
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Great news that the editor was sympathetic and you still get to be published! I also have to be careful what I say in my blog in case of hurting or upsetting others because I can be quite blunt and also passionate about protecting my right to ‘say what the hell I want and damn the consequences’. So I understand how feel a little resentful you feel about having your artistic licence curbed. However, I’ve also found that having to reconsider a statement/attitude/piece can be really helpful and improve my writing by making me think how others may take/read it. It’s a bit like using spell-check on my conscience. 😉 Again, well done! 🙂
Carl.
P.S. Thanks for liking so many of my posts! – I do notice and appreciate it.
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Bloody hell, I said about improving my writing then realised what a huge cock up I made in a sentence. I meant to say ‘So I understand how you feel about having your artistic licence curbed’. Oops.
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I do that ALL the time! The problem with that little “send” button! Ha ha 🙂
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I don’t know why I have been so lucky with editors lately, but I have and I’m not complaining! Yes, stepping back from our writing for a while and then re-working it can make it much better. Thanks for your thoughtful comments! 🙂
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