Tags
aurora shooting, death penalty, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, psychiatrist, psychiatry, psychosis, schizophrenia
This is hard to write. I have never told anyone this, but I think it is important. My worst fear, the thing that is the most horrendous for me, the thing that brings with it unimaginable grief and suffering, and a desire to die, is to kill someone while I am psychotic.
Now, I know the statistics, the majority of mentally ill people are victims of crime not perpetrators of it. I also know that I have never been a danger to anyone, but myself. But the reality exists that occasionally, someone with schizophrenia, who is suffering from psychosis, will kill someone. It has happened. The reason this has become a stereotype is because it has happened and been sensationalized. There are millions of people living with schizophrenia, rarely do we hear of them being violent – I know this, logically, I know this. But I am sharing my worst fear here, and worst fears are often highly unlikely.
The reality that it has happened though makes me shudder, because here is how this plays out in my mind:
I become psychotic. I am not living in reality. My mind and thoughts are spinning and turning. I hear voices. The voices turn ugly. I am paranoid. The voices convince me to harm someone and I do. Later, while I am in jail, I get treatment. The voices subside. I start thinking clearly again. I start becoming myself, and I remember, and the lawyers tell me, that I killed someone.
I get this news as me, as myself, with a clear and level head. The woman who is so opposed to violence that she can’t watch much of it on television or in movies has committed a violent act. The grief, the sorrow, the horror, the remorse, the memories of what happened all of these things would torment me. I am certain I would want to die.
To be in recovery (have a stable mind) and to try and live with that reality would be unbearable to me. It is not who I am. I hate violence. I have a very tender heart. I am filled with empathy. I am filled with compassion. I want good things for all people. I am not a monster, but psychosis can be.
I write this to you today, because a man with schizophrenia, James Holmes, may get the death penalty.
Let me just say that if James Holmes is getting the treatment he needs in prison, if his mind has cleared, if he is no longer delusional and has no traces of psychosis, then having him live out his life in prison is the worst punishment that can be handed down to him. Having to live with the fact that you are viewed by many as a monster, and that you were in fact, for one night, a monster, and caused untold pain, suffering, grief and terror – that is punishment.
I think James Holmes life should be spared and I think he should be given the treatment he needs. If you want him to pay for his crimes, let him think about what he did with a rational mind for the next fifty to sixty years.
The thought of it terrifies me.
I can’t think of anything worse.
Your writing is utterly compelling! I just want to say that first. The reality of your angst is presented clearly, with eyes-wide-open. A perfect balance between the factual and the emotional aspects of the story. And it works! It’s a hugely important topic. Thank you for sharing so generously with your readers. 🙂
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Oh my gosh, thank you. I was terrified to post it.
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I’m so glad you DID post it!
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Of course I don’t know James Holmes, but I just wonder: since real threat from individuals with schizophrenia is rare, is it possible that it is only psychosis in combination with something else–maybe a fondness for violence, a rage at the world–that is a danger? It doesn’t seem like a general characteristic of psychosis. It’s like the Germanwings pilot who deliberately crashed that plane earlier this year. The media talked about his depression as a possible cause. But most people with depression, even if feeling suicidal, would never do such a thing. I don’t know. I think we are very quick to blame criminal acts on mental illness even though most people with mental illness don’t commit crimes.
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I agree with you, 100% . Substance abuse combined with mental illness increases the chance of violence, but I don’t think that was present in the case of James Holmes. It is a terrible situation any way you look at it, but I agree, mental illness is usually not the cause of a crime.
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I know when i am manic the illness attaches itself with the games i play changing their reality. It actually feels like the games are real. I stay away from violence of any kind, however i can relate the mania and psychosis to the violent video game play which is like a drug to become very addicted to. It also happens with films i watch. It becomes real. It becomes very hard to separate the two different worlds so i can understand how the mind may act as if it is carrying out a mission. Often it feels as though i have a psychic relation to an actor in the film, or a strong type of psychic attachment to the hero in a game as if the character becomes a part of me. Many i have listened to on the internet have harm OCD. They are intrusive thoughts of harm to others they have no control over and they fear their thoughts.These people are treated with Cognitive Behavioral therapy. 9/10 don’t harm. It often gets worse with social anxiety. Social Anxiety also can be a symptom of bipolar and one of the very early signs to watch out for. Harm OCD can also come with schizo affective in some people.
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I don’t know much about OCD. My social anxiety has increased with age as with some other symptoms. Thanks for pointing all of this out. I need to read up on it a little more.
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https://robertlindsay.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/more-on-schiz-ocd/ Good article to read.
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Thanks for the link. I will read it.
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No i hadn’t Heard of it myself and was I was amazed so many suffer with it. I’ve heard of just OCD like many of us but not the harm OCD. Throughout the years i had walked out in social gatherings because of a feeling of huge negativity but had never put it down to social anxiety. I never had an illness at those times but yes now the social anxiety comes out far more with the illness as i get older. Something a lot of HSPs suffer with.
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Yes, social anxiety is difficult.
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So brave of you to write and so important to share.
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I was worried about how it would be perceived. Thank you for your support. It was difficult to share.
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You are so very right about Holmes having the right to live. Mental illness is a disease. If diabetes could make a person psychotic, they wouldn’t be perceived in the same way. The more measurable and understandable a condition, the better the sufferer is perceived. People can relate.
This is why love, connection, is so critical. Love is a window that sees through prejudice and hate, fear and misunderstanding. Compassion is a second cousin. That’s the first step.
No human being who commits such a heinous crime could ever be in their “right” mind. It’s always seemed ridiculous to me that anyone would have to prove insanity. It’s one thing to kill a cheating ex wife or the man who wakes while you’re robbing his residence — these things are horrible but I think it’s possible for a reasonably functioning mind to slip or become desensitized enough to kill under these circumstances.
But a guy who walks into a movie theater and just starts randomly shooting is anything but sane. He’s sick. And prison will do nothing for him. He can be kept off the streets in a treatment center, which is far more appropriate.
I believe we are all susceptible to bad behavior of varying degrees. Sometimes we surprise ourselves with what we never thought we were capable of, but for the most part people are good, those of us both with and without a mental illness. Even severe depression can cause psychosis, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Just because most people are “good” doesn’t mean we’re not also vulnerable sometimes. The mind is a fascinating and baffling place — yes, place. It occupies space, yet is boundless in the context of “mind”… Which makes it difficult to harness and study, control, tame.
But love and compassion do a pretty good job of making us all feel safe, which is a big dose of the best medicine. We can create a more hospitable world for sufferers, which will reduce the suffering, both the collateral damage and that of the individual.
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Thank you for your well thought out comments. It is a complicated and difficult issue. What he did was beyond horrible – I think everyone would agree to that. I agree, we are all vulnerable at times and that love and compassion are healthy and necessary medicine. Thanks again for writing out all your thoughts on this.
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Thank you for writing this. I have always been opposed to the death penalty and 100 % agree with your logic and arguments.
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Thank you. I need support today. It was tough to write. It is tough to think about. The whole thing is just terrible any way you look at it.
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Your post and the link to the CNN report is thought provoking. So much pain everywhere and so widely spread. Everyone looking to have “justice” – if I was directly involved, I honestly do not know what I would be saying.
But the closing line of that report hit hard: “The outburst seemed to underscore a major theme of the defense case: We as a society aren’t good at dealing with the mentally ill.”
You have a gift for allowing each of us to be better at “dealing” with each other – no matter the labels handed out. I hope you are never terrified or worried again when you write and publish. You bring a balance – and that is rare – and that makes your words very precious. Thank you.
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Thank you for your support – it is much needed.
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So are you!!
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🙂
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Xo. Thanks for sharing your fear. You are courageous!
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xoxo
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Thank you for your words , I agree!
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Thank you!!!! 🙂
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Wow, what a really scary fear, although rare, that must be for you. In sorry 😦 I got a glimpse into that scenario from of all places, the TV show ‘House MD’.I know it’s very fictional (as it’s ALL TV medical dramas/series). What I watched though, was a young adult with schizophrenia in the midst of an episode of psychosis in which he he was the victim of an adult from demons, people attaching him etc. His reaction was to fight back for his life. I can’t even imagine his terrorized thoughts, HIS REALITY AT THE TIME. To the people around him, he seemed an out of control extremely violent person that threatened all things around him/them. I TOTALLY see & understand your point. You are brave, and you are too be commended for sharing & educating. ❤ Diane
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**sorry ASSAULT, NOT ADULT (drunk phone & its autocorrect! LOL!)
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Don’t worry, I do that ALL the time.
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Wasn’t me! Was my drunk phone lol
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Thank you!!! 🙂
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You’re welcome & thank you
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Thank you for posting this. I was unaware of this happening, and after reading your link to CNN’s post I feel so sad for James. I can’t imagine being in his position and being tortured by your own mind and to live with the pain of killing so many people would be unimaginable. That would be a type of “death” that might be almost worse than the death penalty they are considering for him.
I watched a documentary on HBO this week called Toe Tag Parole, about criminals who had life sentences with no possibility of parole. It was really heartbreaking to hear the stories of some of these men. I think I have a soft heart and too much empathy at times. I realize they are guilty of murder, but why are we sentencing people to a life sentence without parole? It gives a person nothing to hope for and no reason to better themselves. It seems inhumane to me. When does a human being stop being able to find redemption?
(In this paragraph above, I’m not talking about serial killers who need to be stopped otherwise they will continue to kill.)
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These are important issues for all of us to discuss. Thanks for adding to the conversation!!!!
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You are very brave, and I have so much respect for you. Although I have tons of empathy for the victims and their families, I have also been struggling with the portrayal of JH. He is ill. I do not believe he deserves the death penalty (though he may wish he had received it when he is well enough to take in what he has done).
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I think if they can get him thinking rationally then he will suffer greatly for what he did.
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Yes. Hell either way you slice it.
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I know. Terrible.
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That’s so interesting that you just wrote this yesterday and I was just thinking this morning that I wanted to address this issue in terms of my mom’s experience. She had paranoid schizophrenia for almost 40 years and sometimes would say she wanted to “kill” someone but of course never did. I believe the chances are incredibly low that you would ever do that, though I understand your fear. The sad reality today is our society’s obsession and infatuation with guns, which has led to this increase in crimes mostly by people who are considered to be sane.
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I agree with you. All the issues around it are important to discuss.
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