Yesterday, two of my best friends came over (they are both writers and one has a book coming out in a couple of weeks). We were definitely not short on things to talk about. But half way through lunch I said, “I’m surprised neither one of you wrote to me today after posting on my blog and then pulling the post down a few minutes later.” They both said that they thought about it, but knew they were going to see me later that morning.
There are times when paranoid schizophrenia is not at the forefront of my mind, not often, but there are times, and I think it is easy for some people to forget that I actually have a mental illness, because I don’t see people very often and when I do, I usually am not having symptoms or I wouldn’t be socializing, or the symptoms are minimal.
Yesterday morning I was sick. After posting that blog about a specific drug company, a wave of paranoia hit me, and I immediately started to take action to make the thoughts and feelings go away – I took down the post, I sent an apology. I was paranoid that people with schizophrenia would stop taking their medications because of my post. The thought of that was making me anxious and erratic. After I did everything I could do to try to erase the post I went and curled up with my husband who was watching the news.
He knew I was suffering. I couldn’t stay still very long. I am fortunate that the paranoia didn’t keep me from spending a wonderful morning with two women I love and who I don’t see nearly enough.
I wanted to let you know that there are times my illness takes me out of commission and makes me behave in ways that only make sense to me.
If you follow my blog, you will see it occasionally, because it can’t be hidden.
I try to write what it is really like to live with paranoid schizophrenia. I try to be truthful. That means I can’t leave out the bad days or the struggles or you wouldn’t get a clear picture, and for some people it is much harder than it is for me.
I think about those people daily. I write to make my life better, but I write to make their lives better too. If I can use my words to help better the life of anyone with schizophrenia, I am going to do it. You can bet, I’ll take the time, form the sentences, type the words, and find somewhere, somehow to get them out there. When you know what I know about psychosis, (and that some people suffer from it daily) writing is the least I can do.