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anxiety, cancer, delusions, halluninations, mental health, mental illness, paranoia, psychology, psychosis, psychotic, schizophrenia, social, suicide, voices, writing
No two people have schizophrenia or symptoms the exact same way. What does a day with schizophrenia look like for me? First of all, I feel like I am relatively fortunate because I am not currently hearing voices, some people (even on medication) hear voices constantly. I also feel relatively fortunate that I don’t hallucinate on a daily basis (at least not in the traditional sense that many people with schizophrenia report like shadows that look like people, etc.). I do, however, have olfactory hallucinations.
Olfactory hallucinations have to do with smelling things that aren’t there. I frequently smell things my husband can’t smell and if it is a chemical smell I will develop some paranoia about it. I may even think I have accidently eaten it and that I am dying.
Some people go in and out of psychosis. When I am psychotic, I am not at all like the person who is typing this right now. Psychosis is totally different. For me, psychosis eventually brings terror, delusions, voices, suicidal tendencies, and distorted reality. For example, the person I love most in this world, and who is my inspiration, and who I honestly believe is the best person I have ever met, is not someone I know or love when I am psychotic. That should show you the huge difference from what I experience almost every day and what I experience when I am psychotic.
Although I am nothing like my baseline self when I am psychotic, still psychosis is not a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario. It is not multiple personality disorder. Over time, if unchecked, for me, it is more like a very creepy (terrifying) circus that has gone terribly wrong and that I am trapped in and can’t get out of. Although I don’t experience episodes of psychosis much anymore, I live in constant fear of becoming psychotic. For me, it is the worst part of schizophrenia. It is always a real possibility that I will die during an episode of psychosis.
The two symptoms that I battle with the most on a daily basis are paranoia and anxiety. I have episodes of anxiety that make it impossible for me to do anything besides trying to relieve the anxiety. It is a catch 22 because the more I focus on relieving the anxiety, the more anxious I become. Anxiety ruins many events for me. At a writer’s conference, I will almost always be overcome with anxiety and have to leave to be by myself and try to diminish the symptoms. When I see friends, and I am socializing, I often have a panic attack and need to go home quickly. Being around people in general can easily trigger a wave of anxiety. I take medication for this, but this symptom is probably the one that keeps me from leading a “normal” life.
Paranoia comes and goes for me. I have a great deal of paranoia around food. I frequently feel like my food is poisoned and I refuse to eat it. I have all kinds of rituals around eating that make being out socially, enjoying a meal, awkward.
The worst kind of paranoia has to do with standing up for myself. When I stand up for myself I have the worst episodes of paranoia. I believe the person, or corporation, or organization, etc. that I am standing up against are going to come after me. This is one of my symptoms that I find the hardest to live with. Constantly being fearful when you are just trying to be treated decently and fairly in this world is difficult to live with. Believing that people are going to punish you for disagreeing with them is a terrible way to live. We all need to feel some form of safety and comfort and trust in order to be healthy and happy. Those things are disrupted for me by schizophrenia.
I’m not asking for your pity. I have a good life. I am trying to create understanding. Schizophrenia looks differently for everyone, but now you know a little bit more of how it feels for me. Would I say having schizophrenia is hard? Yes, I think having schizophrenia is hard. Is it harder than cancer, heart disease, or any other illness? I don’t know.
I wish that there was as much support for schizophrenia as there is for cancer – pink ribbons, pink arm bands, pink cups, walks, runs, company fundraisers, support from friends and neighbors. Schizophrenia is a lonely disease, and not too many people talk about it (unless it has to do with a crime) and people definitely aren’t turning their social media a certain color to raise awareness. Most people with schizophrenia suffer alone, or with their family (if they are lucky enough to have family). That reality may just be worse than the majority of symptoms.
I can’t even fathom how isolating schizophrenia can be. My best friend suffers from PTSD and my daughter has some sort of neurological disorder. They can’t decide if it’s ADHD, ODD or something else. It’s lonely. Nobody can “see” it—it isn’t like a broken arm or cancer (as you point out)—so they assume you’re “making it up.” There is very little support for individuals who suffer from these things or for the people who are trying to help them. I think writing your blog is a great way to raise awareness and foster support.
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Thank you!!! 🙂
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Hi I wanted To know if you fear death and do you see signs of death because of this condition?
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I don’t know if I fear death more than the average person or not. I’m not sure what you mean by “see signs of death.” When I am sick I often think I am dying if that is what you mean.
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No. I don’t fear death.
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it feels awesome knowing we aren’t alone , though we still feel as if we are. i’m working on raising awareness while also trying not to have an episode,it keeps my mind busy. i just recently found out i was schizophrenic and it’s been so hard for me. what’s crazy is that i started my awareness project not long before finding out i was actually schizophrenic, i think that’s unusually amazing. i can’t thank you enough for writing this because you are right, it is a lonely disease. being 24 & not being mentally prepared to go out with friends & be around crowds is probably the hardest to cope with being that i just always thought i was an introvert. any who thanks a bunch.
do the meds work ? i haven’t gotten any yet
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Medication is different for everyone. I hope you can find a good doctor, and possibly a good therapist to help you navigate your treatment.
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My niece is suffering from schizophrenia for the last 6 years and has just attempted her 2nd suicide attempt two days ago by overdosing on her drugs which includes clozapine, the worst treatment drug ever. I am just at my wit’s end. Our family is really close knit and we support each other but are just stumped as to how to help her. We support her and try to keep things normal around her. She does not like us to talk about her disease. She keeps on hearing things all the time but no one can discern what she is going through. Even her doctors say that she smiles which is rare for people suffering with it. She was such a bright girl and we had high hopes of her future. She was very beautiful also but now she is overweight, can’t exercise due to constant swelling in her legs. I am just heart broken.
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I am so sorry. I hope your niece finds a treatment plan that works for her. Wishing you my best.
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Thank you for such a succinct explanation of what it actually FEELS like to be you.
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Thanks. I actually changed the title of the post because of your comment – I changed it to “What Does Schizophrenia Feel Like?”
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Oh my, it’s rare that I’m an agent of change:)
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That’s not true! I almost always take your writing suggestions. 🙂
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Thank you for this courageous post. While symptoms may vary for many, your experience speaks volumes about what so many experience. Thank you for sharing your experience with olfactory hallucinations as all the senses may be impacted with Schizophrenia…something I didn’t understand until our younger daughter’s illness presented. Thank you for this post.
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Thank you.
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One of my earliest symptoms was a tactile hallucination: I would feel a tight tingle in my forehead, right where the “third eye” is suppose to be. At first, I associated this feeling with negativity, as if the Spirit was trying to tell me something wasn’t quite right. Then I also associated it with the idea that my lover was thinking intensely about me and oftentimes that would be reinforced when he agreed he was thinking of me at that particular time…like you, I am fortunate that almost all symptoms are gone.
I do get the anxiety attacks generally coming from paranoid thoughts. For example, I found out yesterday my sister had taken my off as one of her friends on a website for calculating nutritional intake and exercise. My first thought was I must have pissed her off. I panicked and texted her twice asking to call me or if I could call her. She called me as soon as I asked her via a text if she was mad at me.
Come to find out, she had deleted everyone from that website and decided it wasn’t anyone’s business as to how many calories she consumes each day. I was so relieved! That is a perfect example of what my schizophrenia feels like to me. I am constantly questioning if someone “knows” about my crime. All they would have to do is google it (my real name) and up it will show all. That makes me scared and paranoid that one day a brick will fly through my window…anyways, good post as always, LaVancia
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That would be hard to deal with. I have symptoms every day, but some days are definitely far worse than others. I read more of your story today. Your writing is excellent.
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Thanks so much for the compliment! I must admit I am bad at procrastination for I have more fun (or is it therapy) reading and commenting on people’s blogs. I’ve also been making a lot of jewelry this weekend as payday for most of us is in just 5 days and I already have a few request plastered on my cheap $1 bulletin board. Call me tacky…pun not intended, but I like the style I’ve created in order to keep up with all the chaotic days that blend together. I wouldn’t know what day of the week it is unless I check my pill box or phone! lol…thanks again. LaVancia
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It all sounds like fun!
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Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions and commented:
I feel the same about depression. Depression isn’t the same for all people, yet they try to make it that way.
I hope one day there will be support for mental health just as much as cancer.
Thank you for sharing your story.
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I feel like I should write something similar about my experience of bipolar disorder, except then I get caught up in thinking maybe I’m not even diagnosed correctly and it’s all just a big mistake. I do know what the olfactory hallucinations are like – had them as long as I can remember and no one seems to get it, even the professionals. They’re always like “oh, auditory hallucinations?” and I have to correct them.
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Yes, it can be frustrating to get an accurate diagnosis. I had the wrong diagnosis for over ten years.
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Hello, on my blog, I host a weekly Mental health Friday column where I share stories of living with Mental illness. Basically, the point is “talking about mental illness to blur out the stigma associated with it”. I was wondering if you’d like to contribute? ☺
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Thank you. I would love to. I need to spend some time on your blog to see what kind of topics/style you are looking for.
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Absolutely. Here’s a link:
https://randomsbyarandom.wordpress.com/category/mental-health-friday/
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Thanks, I would love to participate.
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Thank you! That is great. I’ld be looking forward to it.
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It was really interesting to learn about such personal experiences, and I thank you for sharing them.
Totally different topic–I read this today and wondered if it would interest you: http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/style/2015/10/22/complicated-rhythms/
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Thanks! I am rushing out the door. I will save it and read it later. Thanks for thinking of me!!! 🙂
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I couldn’t wait and went ahead and read it. I love it! Thanks so much for sharing it.
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You are welcome! 😊
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It really was a great article 🙂
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Thanks for sharing such important knowledge about your experiences. I learned a lot 🙂
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Thanks for reading! I love your artwork!
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Thank you 😉
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Very interesting. I am sorry you have to go through the anxiety, I have that as well- the social part has always been a struggle for me too, but is getting better. It is great that you are creating awareness, what a great blog.
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Thank you for reading it, and leaving a comment. I appreciate it!!! Have a great day.
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Thank you for sharing this. I really identify with what you wrote about anxiety. I hope you are having a good day today 🙂
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Thank you!! 🙂
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Thumbs up to you fine sister for sharing and informing…am all out for good causes, you should consider starting a movement just like pink ribbon too, we are here to support you.
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Thank you! 🙂
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I appreciate this. I have often wondered if schizophrenia feels like lucid dream with reality and dreams mixed.
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In my experience, when I am hallucinating, I don’t know that I am hallucinating. It feels like reality at the time.
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I am super happy I found this blog. I have been recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and while it’s not the same as schizophrenia I can relate 100% to the anxiety and paranoia so it’s nice to know I’m not alone. We must keep fighting the good fight.
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Welcome! I look forward to getting to know you better! 🙂
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Hi
I’m a panic disorder suffer, I experience a lot of the symptoms that you do especially the social stuff, I’m just confused I always thought someone with schizophrenia is unaware of there illness, when were you diagnosed and do you have any positive symptoms?
Please excuse my English it’s my second language
JC
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Hi JC,
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder originally (over twenty years ago) and then later, with schizophrenia. When I am psychotic, I am unaware that I have an illness. The most frequent symptoms that I have are paranoia, anxiety, tactile hallucinations, social isolation, and a lack of motivation.
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Hi, this is such a great post, and I am thinking I might try to do a similar one. There are a couple of things you say which I can relate to so strongly.. “For example, the person I love most in this world, and who is my inspiration, and who I honestly believe is the best person I have ever met, is not someone I know or love when I am psychotic. That should show you the huge difference from what I experience almost every day and what I experience when I am psychotic.”This, for me, is the most distressing aspect of this disease; because I love my boyfriend so much, and I know how much he loves me and always works to make me feel better when I’m having a bad time of it. But the illness means that I can’t relate to him; the anxiety kinda eats all my good feeling so I’m left angry, and paranoid and frantic. I’m learning to handle it better, but it’s so frigging frustrating when it happens. Anyway, thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for sharing your experience truly appreciate it and hope more stories are shared to shine light on these diagnoses I’m all for supporting Mental Health thank you.
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Thanks for your comments!
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I have schizoaffective disorder and you describe the paranoia so well. I wish there was as much awareness for schizophrenia too, because it is such an isolating disease like you said.
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Yes, isolation is a problem – I agree.
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Thank you for writing about your experience.I agree schizophrenia can be lonely sometimes.As someone who has it too,i know that I don’t tell a lot of people outside my family and friends.Although I have been thinking about doing the Oral History Project.
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An oral history project sounds interesting!
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Yes it should be very interesting!!! By the way,i just got your book from Amazon.Can’t wait to read it!!!
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Thank you for buying my book! I hope you like it!
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And yes a creative outlet is good.I draw Celtic art for fun,and I also have adult coloring books.I love to draw!! The Celtic knotwork is very interesting to me.
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I love art like that!
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I would love to send you some of my artwork!!!!
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I would like that. Can you contact me on Facebook?
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Well I’m not on Facebook right now,maybe you can email me?Let me know!
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I will look for you on Facebook.
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I’m getting ready to enter an art contest.Wish me luck.It’s for people with mental health issues.I think I qualify for that lol!!!
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Good luck! When will you hear the results?
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I got your book and read it.Yes I can relate to most of what you wrote.I can’t take arguments myself.And I have some anxiety around people sometimes.I like to be alone a lot.I guess that’s symptoms of my schizophrenia.I don’t think I have paranoid schizophrenia though.My diagnosis was schizophrenia spectrum.Not sure what the difference is though.Can someone explain maybe? Thanks.
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Thank you for reading my book! I hope you enjoyed it!
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I never really quite knew why I acted the way I did growing up and basically my whole life until now.. I have schizophrenia. . I feel like people are watching me constantly like I am being filmed or their are ghost present in the room.. when I go into panic I start thinking my boyfriend of 2 years is gonna kill me like he is a murderer. We went floating one time and I had a little to drink it was midnight atleast. I started to hallucinate.. thought I was at this place I pretty much grew up at but was in a whole different town and whole new waters I have never been on I started seeing different people inside the people I knew before I started freaking out. My boyfriend was actually trying to calm me down but I was thinking he was saying other crazy stuff to me like he has me hostage and that he was gonna kill me.. I had two other friends with me that night. I thought I had to be a crazy person like him to keep him from killing me so I told him to kill my frI end makayla and Danny instead of me.. everything finally calmed down and I would be happy one second and freat out again jumping off my float and trying to swim away to shore as fast as I could before someone killed me.. etc etc my brain is on auto pilot constantly and when I want it to stop and I know it’s happening. iit still can’t be controlled. Like a screw fell lose and nothing can put it back in. I constantly have anxiety when i am out in public like i can feel people thinking and i think theyre judging me or constantly thinking something bad about me.not even just in publoc around strangers! Even around my own little family. I feel weird and i hate my anxiety so bad 😦 and I constantly think I see things here and I hear things . My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy .. maybe I am? ( I have schizophrenia.) Drinking is a big part of the worse freak outs. It (intensifies ) my schizophrenia and I become a whole new person. I will cry and cry and cry and go on on on about things you couldn’t imagine and this isnt every so often it is every single time. I.don’t know why this would make my schizophrenia worse. Someone please help what is your schizophrenia like? . I am only 22 and I have 2 beautiful children that I love so very much. I just wanna get better..FOR THEM FOR ME.
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I can relate to a lot of what youre saying. My fiance is the worst person ever to me and i hate him when i am freaking out but i love him so much also but i love your story i had to share mine ♡♡♡♡♡
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THanks!
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I also have schizoaffective disorder for past 11 years. i got married to my wife about 9 years back.i have had few psychotic episodes during these nine years of marriage. But for past 3 years i have living quite good life without much trouble.
But recently i started to have had anger and frustration episodes with my wife.theses are of short duration and i become quite normal after few hours or about in a day or so. We are not able to decipher whether it is normal behaviour between two married individual or is it part of larger problem that of schizophrenia.How do you distinguish between your normal outbursts(that is part of normal human behaviour) and those which are caused by illness.
i haven’t seen a doc for past one year as i never had any problem. But now my wife insist on me to see the doc for these things. i am maintenance dose of amisulpride. did u face any such issues in your married life where you are confused about what is part of illness and what is part of normal behaviour.
Thanks
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Well, my understanding is that schizoaffective disorder is both a mood and thought disorder -like bipolar and schizophrenia combined. I would ask your doctor about your anger, but I know some people with bipolar disorder do struggle with anger. Not sure if that applies to you. I only know the difference between what is my illness and what is me when I am doing well – when I am not doing well, I can’t tell.
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