Tags
crying, discrimination, fear, hope, injustice, inspiration, mental illness, psychology, psychotic, schizophrenia, shame, silence, stigma, Voice, writing
Before I hit the send button on these blog posts, I start to cry. If someone leaves me a supportive comment, I start to cry. If one of my articles is accepted, I start to cry. For the last seven months I have cried so easily. I often sit at the computer looking at a screen made a little fuzzy from eyes full of tears.
I realized yesterday, that I am letting go of twenty years of shame. I am letting go of twenty years of secrets. I am letting go of twenty years of humiliation, grief, and pain.
All those times at my job when people talked about a client with a mental illness, and how difficult they were, all those words that were used to describe those clients, like nuts, wacko, crazy, cuckoo, etc. I took all that into my spirit, into my psyche. “So, if they knew about me, and my illness, this is what they would think and say about me, too.” I thought to myself.
All those times I saw people talking to people and voices only they could see and hear, and I thought, “That could be me.”
All those times I heard jokes, saw movies, read books, and had no way to respond. All those times I kept my secret while I felt the burn of shame. All those times my husband and I had to hide our reality, and try to go on together after a psychotic episode, rebuilding our world alone.
For most of our marriage my husband and I lived in a bubble. We burst that bubble ourselves but the pressure and pain it caused is being released every day.
After nearly twenty years of having to shove my feelings somewhere deep inside, I can now respond to the stereotypes. I can respond to the language of dehumanization and all of the belittling of an illness that can be deadly and is nothing like the sensational beliefs most people hold. I can now point out when someone is being hurtful or furthering the stigma around schizophrenia.
After nearly two decades of being as tight as a pressure cooker with no way to release steam, I have a space. I have a place in this world, carved from my tears, where people can read about the injustice, the shame, the fear, and the pain.
I have a voice that is sometimes loud, sometimes soft, and sometimes crackly from lack of use. I have a voice and that means I am seen, recognized and validated in a world that often goes speeding by or where people spend time with their heads in their phones instead of looking each other in the eye.
I see that you see me, and that brings tears to my eyes.
You inspire me. Thank you so much for sharing your writing and yourself. I’m so glad that you’re releasing years of shame and pain.
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Thank you!!! 🙂
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Beautiful post…with a voice that gives others the courage to use their voices…what a gift to the world!
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Thank you so much!!! 🙂
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You are traveling a difficult and courageous journey. Thank you for sharing it.
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Thank you!!! 🙂
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I see you 🙂 I love your blog 🙂 ❤️
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Thank you ❤
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There is no shame in admitting it! However, we often feel like there is and keep these “things” crawling up our brains alone for even longer. Thank you
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I hid it for years because I heard how people talked about the mentally ill. There is still quite a bit of stigma in coming out openly about having a mental illness, especially with schizophrenia. Things are beginning to change, but that happens slowly. Thanks for your support!! 🙂
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Aww, this is so beautiful. Thank you for being so honest and showing your true self to us. ❤
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Thank you for your support!! 🙂
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I am so glad you have found your voice. I hear you. I ‘get’ you 🙂 x
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Thank you! 🙂
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I am really happy you found your voice. In that alone, you have found happiness in abundance. Stay happy and Graceful.
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Thank you for your support! 🙂
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Reblogged this on and commented:
Reblogging this from A Journey With You. Please read this emotional post.
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This is a lovely picture of the loneliness too many people face. It’s difficult having any condition that you feel sets you apart, but I can only guess how a mental illness makes you feel. I do believe I understand much better now. I’m a teacher, and I’ve had students who deal with mental illnesses. I think this will help me to understand their reality better. Thank you. Your writing is beautiful!
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Thank you so so much!!! 🙂
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Wow. *tears* We learn so much on this journey we are taking…some of it from others, some from God, and a whole lot from within ourself. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you. Yes, we do learn so much! 🙂
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Thank you for this post!! It inspired me to keep fighting the stigma around schizophrenia.As much as i wish there was a cure,wouldn’t that be great??
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Maybe some day there will be a cure! We can hope!
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That would be a dream come true.But in the meantime,i’m thankful for the medicine to help manage my symptoms.
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🙂
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Yes thank goodness for medicine and doctors.Without that don’t know where I would be. Grin!
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I agree!
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