Tags
anxiety, conference, hope, inspiration, love, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, motivation, schizophrenia, writer, writing
It felt like failure. Yesterday, I went back to the writing conference. I didn’t make it through a single panel. My anxiety was so high. I called my husband, twenty minutes after he left me, and asked him to come back.
We drove downtown, and had pizza together. Then we drove outside of the city and took a hike at a National Park. We walked a trail high above a river that is carved into the edge of a rocky cliff. There were Native American ruins all along the cliffs – structures built of stone where they lived in communities.
When we arrived home, I cried. I felt like not only was it impossible to do the things I wanted and needed to do in order to become a better writer, I had disappointed my husband. He assured me that wasn’t the case.
In my mind, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t disappointed him. It seemed like one of those terrible moments, when your spouse, the person that loves you more than anyone in the world, the person who constantly overlooks or misses seeing your flaws, is face to face with your limitations and your inability to handle a situation that should be fun, easy and carefree. That reality that you are human with many shortcomings, and that you can easily be responsible for letting them down.
I felt as though my husband had once again been let down by my illness, and by me. How many let downs can you take before it begins to dissolve love? Let downs and disappointments are like water on sugarcoated candy. It begins to erode the shape. It melts the color and the form. Is love like that candy, once reality and weakness and failure and disappointments and let downs add up over time?
My husband asked me what happened yesterday. I told him that we arrived too early. That I was walking around by myself and that I had too much time before the panel started. By the time it started my anxiety was too high to sit through the scheduled speakers.
“Is there anything you would like to see tomorrow?” My husband asked. I looked through the program and said, “There is a panel at nine and then one at two, and then another at four.”
“I will park the car this time. I will walk you to the door of the panel. I will wait with you until it starts. I will be waiting outside the door when it gets over.”
“Okay.” I said.
“I want you to give it one last try, because if you can’t do it tomorrow there is no need to try to go to any more conferences.”
I agreed.
I am up. I am making my first cup of coffee for the day. In a few hours, I will go back to the conference and give it one last try.
It is difficult to get up the courage to go after so much failure. Being a better writer is important to me though, it is my one shot at getting back to work, and that is a strong motivator. But more importantly, I want to prove to my husband that I can get back on my feet no matter how many times I fall down. I don’t want to give up on myself, because I couldn’t survive the heartbreak if my husband gave up on me.
No matter how hard it is sometimes, we have to keep going. Today, I am going to keep going. One last try. I’ve got so much riding on it, and I am damn sure going to make it.
Have a great day! And let your husband love you for who you are. The who you are he loves ((hugs))
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Thank you! I did have a great day! I hope you are well!
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Congrats on getting the courage to try again! I think you’re right, you have to keep going. I hope today was a good day for you!
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It was so worth it to try again! Success and inspiration were my rewards!
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Keep on trying. Never give up. You can never do wrong, just different.
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Thank you! It was a big success. I’m so happy I didn’t give up. 🙂
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I’m glad to hear that. Congratulations 🙂
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Thank you!
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This post touched me very much. What I most loved is the very clear evidence that your husband loves you and that love is in no way undermined by the challenges you face. Instead, he’s on your side. He wants to know what is hard for you and what he can do to make it easier. That is beautiful.
I am thrilled to see from the comments that you had a good day. Yet another great example (you provide so many) of how someone with schizophrenia or any other mental illness can do so much, with the right support.
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Thank you! It was such an inspirational day! I couldn’t have asked for more. I’m so lucky I didn’t give up (and that my hubby asked me to give it one more try). I will write more about what I learned tomorrow. I thought the information was relevant to all bloggers. I hope you have a Happy Halloween!
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Oh Becky, I am so glad it went well.
Never doubt your husbands love for you. He really is exceptional. HUGS
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We talked about how badly I felt and he reassured me that all was okay in our world. He is exceptional – I agree with you! 🙂
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He sounds exceptional. He sees something special in you as well. 🙂
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Reblogged this on and commented:
Sharing this from A Journey With You. It is a really good example of what this writer faces every day.
It also is an example of the love she is shown by her husband. The one person who must also share her struggles .
And her JOYS.
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I am heartened by your refusal to let your anxiety rule, and your decision to return the next day to the conference. Well done.
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Thank you! 🙂
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Your husband sounds like he truly understands you and supports you. You have a rare treasure there. I’m glad to hear things turned out so well in this situation, and that you didn’t let your anxiety win.
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I think my husband is the best!!! Thanks for your support. 🙂
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Easy does it. Hugs.
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Thanks! 🙂
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