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hope, insane, inspiration, love, marriage, mass shootings, mental health, mental illness, relationships, sane, sanity, schizophrenia, sports, writer, writing
Today in church these thoughts went through my mind, “What if a shooter comes in here and opens fire? Will I cover my husband’s body with my own? Will I grab that child sitting in front of me, and lay on top of her? I hope that I will do something, anything, brave and courageous.”
We aren’t big sports fans in our house, but we have a couple of teams that we follow, the team that represents our city, and the team that plays for the college my husband went to. One of our teams made it into a college bowl, and I immediately called my husband and said, “Do you want me to get 3 tickets or 4?” As I was waiting for my husband to reply, I thought about being in the stadium with a large group of people. Again, I thought about the possibility of a mass shooting.
Every day my husband goes to work on a military base. Once I was there with him, and there was a lock down because someone reported a shooter. We were in a different area than the report, so it wasn’t terrifying, but it was worrisome thinking of all the people we know whose offices were in the location of the reported shooter. (Everything turned out to be okay).
A few weeks ago, there was an active shooter in the building next to mine. I hid in my bathroom until the police evacuated me from my home. You can read about the incident here.
I know that I have a mental illness and that I tend to be paranoid, worried, and at times get morbid or disturbing ideas in my head (this is why I try not to watch anything too scary or gruesome on Netflix or at the movies) but there have been two events in my life that involved shooters. That can’t really be paranoia or my mental illness if it has been a reality in my life (not once, but twice).
It would be easy to let my thoughts overtake me on this issue. It would be easy to stop going to events where large numbers of people gather. I could get so fearful that I ask my husband to change jobs (he wouldn’t, but I could make him miserable with my fear and overprotectiveness).
I believe that I have to work through many parts of my mental illness (thoughts) in order to live the most productive life I can, and to enjoy life to the extent that I am capable. So today I came up with something to help me cope with all the random violence surrounding each and every one of us.
My husband and I decided when we got married to never go to bed angry at each other. In the almost eighteen years that we have been married, we have only failed at this once. There was only one time when we went to sleep before working out the anger we felt toward one another. I think of that as a pretty good record.
Today, right now, we are adopting something new into our relationship. We have promised each other never to separate from each other while we are mad, or unhappy with each other. In other words, before he goes to work, or before one of us runs an errand, or goes out to be with friends, we need to look each other in the eyes and tell each other that we love each other without anger, or without hard feelings.
There is only so much I can control on a daily basis. I can’t control the fact that terrible things happen to good people, and that it is possible, that one day we will be the good people something terrible happens to. I can’t control the fact that we could be the victims of a tragedy, but I can control the last words my husband hears before he walks out the door. I can control how many hugs I give him before he leaves our house. I can make sure I kiss his lips and tell him that he is the most important person in my world. Yes, I can control the knowledge he has about my love – that is something he can carry with him where ever he goes and in whatever circumstance he finds himself in. What I can control, I will, and that will help keep me sane in a world that seems to have lost so much of its sanity.
“I believe that I have to work through many parts of my mental illness (thoughts) in order to live the most productive life I can, and to enjoy life to the extent that I am capable. So today I came up with something to help me cope with all the random violence surrounding each and every one of us.”
How much we each take for granted so much of the time. And we call that “normal”? Thank you for this post –
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Yes, so often people take the best part of their lives for granted until illness, or tragedy strike. It is a hard lesson.
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This is a wonderful post with so much wisdom!
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Thank you. I have been reading some posts on your blog. I really like your 100 word stories.
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Thank you! I appreciate that because I really am not a writer, I just trudge along.
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My boyfriend and I have a policy where we won’t go to bed mad at each other (mostly because if we did as an anxiety ridden insomniac I would NEVER sleep), but I like this idea of never separating when mad. Might have to give it a try.
Also I can’t watch gruesome movies either- I mean I do occasionally, but generally now if I do out of peer pressure I bring ear plugs and squint my eyes a lot… hehe. But yeah, the dark thoughts just stick in my head too long and make life worse- not worth it!
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My husband and I rarely get mad at each other, so all of it is pretty easy 🙂
No. No. No, to scary movies. The news is bad enough and I feel like I have to watch that in order to stay up on something besides my corner of a dark room – ha! True though.
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I really like this post, and I am going to do what you do – make sure that we never part from each other, or our children/loved ones, with bad feeling or words left hanging in the air. It happens occasionally but from now on, I hope never again. Our world needs more love, on every level, to combat the dreadfulness of small, fanatical groups. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you! One of the added benefits of it, is it causes people to want to work through things more quickly and resolve whatever the problem is/was.
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Indeed. Glad I read this today, it’s fortuitous timing, say no more! 😉
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myself and my partner also have the same policy, its something we both agreed on fairly early, especially, since we grew up in an Army town when the IRA was active in the UK, so we do value never going to bed angy
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I think it is a great policy to have – life is short!! 🙂
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it is indeed. Although bizarrly onto this, my little boy has been a nightmare and I had to raise my voice to him, as I put him to bed, he said mummy I don’t want you to be angry with me. I had to explain to him that you don’t go to sleep in a bad mood with people
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What a wonderful thing to teach your child! 🙂
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Hopefully it will stick with him
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Such rawness in your writing. What struck me most was you have healthy coping mechanisms to help u manage your illness. The support you have from your partner reminds me of my own relationship with my partner. Not everyone gets so lucky. I know that I feel blessed to have someone who wants to understand me and loves me and will do anything to help me stay well. It appears you have that too.
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I know. I feel very lucky. I am my husband’s biggest fan!
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