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I finished watching the series, River, on Netflix. After I had watched two episodes I wrote about it on Psych Central.  

Now that I have finished the series, I feel like, “Yeah, I wish that my experience was like his. I wish that I could treat the voices I hear when I am psychotic by talking to people, or learning how to handle the voices, or learning what they represent in my life: pain, loss, regret, self-loathing, etc.”

On social media (mostly Twitter) people often send me “natural” ways to heal schizophrenia, or they send me articles where the author states that a psychotic episode is similar to a Kundalini awakening. (Here is a short article on it, but usually people send much lengthier ones).

Not only would I love to treat my voices by talking back to them or discovering their meaning in my life, I would also love to be enlightened. No one wants these things more than me, but the truth is, the voices I hear often turn threatening (not toward others, but toward me) and I am afraid to try these techniques because what if I lose a battle with the voices and end up dead? Was going against “the medical establishment” that people often write to me about claiming it is killing me and a big scam, really worth it if I am no longer living? No. The answer is, no.

I can’t tell other people how to treat their mental illness. I can’t say what does, and what doesn’t work for others. I can’t say that a “Kundalini awakening” is a mental illness (maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t).

What I can say is that I have had some amazing insights into religion and life while I was psychotic (much of what happens when I am psychotic is simply nonsense or terrifying), and those insights have stayed with me. I say that to prove that I don’t have all the answers to mental illness. The fact that so many people believe they are Jesus when they are psychotic means something. I am not willing to speculate on what that means, because I don’t know. I don’t know why most of my episodes are highly religious in nature, and others describe this too. I’m not sure why that is. You’ll have to consider it for yourself.

I do know that I wish people trusted me to find my own path with my schizophrenia. I believe that I need to take medications in order to live the best life I can. I can respect that some people don’t believe that. Okay, then… you go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’m taking my chances on the treatment that has saved my life more than once.

Believe me, I would love to try something else and be successful, but I’m not willing to risk my life and relationships for it. Some people believe the medical profession is trying to kill me, but I know I would be dead without it.