It isn’t always easy to admit, but I am good at some things. One of those things is being honest and not being afraid to fail. When I was unable to be successful at the warehouse job, I wrote about it. I didn’t hide it. I didn’t make excuses. I wasn’t embarrassed.
Today, at the place where my husband volunteers many people asked how it was going with my new job. My husband told them he didn’t think it was going to work out. He wasn’t embarrassed by the truth of what happened, but he wasn’t sure if I would want people to know.
I don’t care if people know that I have limits, that I frequently receive rejections for my writing, and that when it came to this particular job, I couldn’t do it.
I try to do most of the things that other people do, but there are times when I am unable to. Those are the times that I have to admit to myself, “Oh my God, I have schizophrenia.” I know that sounds silly, but it is true. I have symptoms of my illness every day, so it seems obvious that my diagnosis would always be at the forefront of my mind, but it isn’t. When I see a part-time job that sounds interesting, I think, “That would be cool; I’ll apply.” A similar thing happens when I read about an interesting place, I think, “How cool. We could take a trip there.”
I feel like it is both positive and negative that I think this way. On the one hand, I don’t see any obstacles to my life, and at the same time, it sets me up for failure, disappointment, and some major episodes (if my husband isn’t successful in talking me out of whatever it is I am trying to do).
Is it better to see ourselves as completely and promisingly capable or to see ourselves as limited and frail? I think it is better to see myself and my abilities as one big possibility and deal with the failures as they come. I don’t want to feel beaten by this life or this disease. Am I unrealistic? Am I over-reaching? Yes, to both of those things. But as someone who usually thinks the worst thing is going to happen in any given situation, this belief that I am not bound by my illness is almost a relief. It is the one area where I happen to be an optimist, and I’m not going to criticize myself for that.
Somewhere deep inside I must know that when I stop being excited about possibilities when I stop trying, or constantly say to myself, “I can’t do that.” Then schizophrenia has taken over my life and defeated me in a way that will have an impact on my joy, enthusiasm, and creativity.
So, I’m good at failing and not at all ashamed of sharing my failures with others. It isn’t an award-winning characteristic, but it’s something rather unique in our social media (perfection driven) society. I am real and honest, and those qualities are rare today. I’m going to take pride in that – no failure there. Nope. No failure at all.