It’s Monday. I spent a busy weekend with my husband and had relatively few symptoms. In fact, other than some fear/paranoia, about the use of an ATM I was symptom-free. Because I had so few symptoms, I wondered, not for the first time, what part of me is my illness and what part of me is my character or personality?
In times when I am not psychotic or having a panic attack, I think what people see from me mostly is my personality and not my illness (even though they may think everything is my illness). Several things happened this weekend that made me think, even without schizophrenia, I am an imperfect person.
My husband and I went to a festive open house on Friday night. There were many galleries open, and people were ice skating to holiday music. A three-story Christmas tree lit up the courtyard, and we were in search of pumpkin pie. I love pumpkin pie and I didn’t have any for Thanksgiving, so I wanted to make sure I had a piece before it disappears from menus. I was walking around the corner of a sidewalk, and six young men came in the opposite direction, one of the men slammed into me with half of his body. I yelled, “OWWWWWW!” He didn’t stop. He didn’t look back. He didn’t say excuse me, or that he was sorry.” In my anger, I yelled, “F****er!” Immediately after I yelled it, I regretted it, not because I was worried about his feelings but because I was worried that the six young men might decide to start a fight with my husband. Obviously, there are times, when my anger gets the best of me, and I don’t have the best judgment. This incident is an example of my personality and not my schizophrenia, and I find it to be something I should work on.
On Saturday night my husband and I went to a holiday celebration that attracts over 350,000 people over two days. It was extremely crowded. There were times when people would stop in the path of where others were walking, and I would get frustrated. During one such time, I said quite loudly, “Seriously?” And a woman looked back at me with such a hateful look. When I got past the people stopped, I saw a person in a wheelchair. I felt terrible because it must be so difficult to want to attend a holiday function that is not easily accessible for the disabled. Also, I never want a person in a wheelchair to feel like they are a burden in any way. I felt bad about my impatience. This incident is again part of my personality and not my illness.
There were other things that happened over the weekend that I felt good about and they too have to do with my personality and not my illness. I let a young mother go in front of me in a long line in the restroom so her little girl wouldn’t have to wait any longer. I offered to share our table in a very busy outdoor beer garden with a couple that I saw walking toward the table at the same time we were, but I managed to get there first. The couple did share our table, and we had a nice conversation. We also told a group of young women we were leaving in advance so they could secure the table and not have to stand around.
I once read that in a relationship if you criticize your partner you need to say one thousand nice things to them to erase the impact of the harm you caused. I wonder if the same is true in the world: if we act negatively, hostile, impatiently or rudely to another person do we have to do one thousand nice things to set the world right again? I think maybe we do.
After this weekend’s events, I am going to be working on completing one thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven random acts of kindness to put the world right again, and it all has to do with my personality and not my illness. My illness isn’t to blame for everything; I am responsible for so much of what I think, say and do just like you.