Tags
anxiety, anxious, exercise, fear, mental health, mental illness, psychosis, psychotic, rock climbing, schizophrenia], wellness
Last night my husband and I were talking about the progression of my schizophrenia. When we lived in a suburb of Los Angeles, I went eight years without an episode. During that time, I worked full time at a university library and as a marketing coordinator for an architectural firm. I networked all the time and sat on boards for the city council. We traveled frequently, I met friends almost daily for exercise dates, and we had a very active social life. After we moved, I had a psychotic episode that lasted over six months. I have not fully recovered my level of functioning since that episode of psychosis.
Today, I have a hard time traveling (we used to go to Paris, traveled to Dubai, etc.) on an almost yearly basis. Now, I can barely go two hours from home without major preparation (I do travel to writing conferences in other states, but it is difficult and draining, but I feel it is necessary). Besides the difficulties of travel, I am more fearful and less social. I used to have a wide network of friends that I did all kinds of activities with, and that is no longer the case. I have a small group of friends now, and we get together a couple of times a month for brunch, a birthday, a baby shower, a happy hour (even though I don’t drink), or something like that. I can go days without seeing anyone but my husband and without leaving the house.
I have a lack of motivation for social interaction. Don’t get me wrong, I love people, but I just don’t have the drive and energy it takes to make “dates” happen. (I will say, I am starting to have more and more Skype appointments with writers who need support throughout the week, and I enjoy meeting on the computer and talking with people).
It’s the level of anxiousness and fear that I have now that has most impacted my life since that last big episode of psychosis. I am afraid of everything. I almost always think the worst. If my husband is late and hasn’t texted, I think he was hit by a car, or something equally as bad has happened. If I have a stomach ache (which I frequently do), I am afraid that my diverticulitis is infected again and that I will have to go to the emergency room. This fear is my life and invades my days, and I want to do something about it.
I try positive thinking and gratitude lists, and all the obvious things and they work, they do, but my fear is still crowding out positive life experiences. So, I am going to try and experiment. I am going to do something that I am extremely afraid of (heights), and see if I can put some confidence and sense of accomplishment back in my life. In short, I am going to see if I can overcome some of my anxiousness and fear.
What am I going to do? I am going to try rock climbing. No, I’m not going to attempt the face of some jutting rock formation in Yosemite, I am going to go and have two lessons at a rock climbing wall. I know, it sounds simple, and it sounds easy, but for me, being even two feet above the ground will be terrifying. I think the climbing wall will work every muscle in my body and will make me tired physically, and that will be great for sleeping and relaxing. If I am successful, I am sure that it will build my self-confidence, and if I like it, and decide to continue, it will build my body strength which will also help with the side effects of my medication (weight gain, high cholesterol, high sugar, etc.). There is so much to gain, and nothing to lose but fear and anxiety.
Climb on my friends, climb on!
I love how you always try to stretch yourself! P.s. I am not on WP much these days but try to read some of your posts here and there. I hope you are rewarded for your rock climbing efforts!
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Thank you! ❤
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I have had a fear of heights since my first pregnancy. I too went rock climbing ( about 10 years ago) to try to conquer the fear. I had a great guide and Chris was there encouraging me and I was able to repel down somewhat successfully. (I had some scrapes that I didn’t feel till much later cause the adrenaline was so strong.) My fear is not gone but I have that memory to know it doesn’t have to to stop me from trying. I hope the same for you.
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I’m not actually going to rock climb! I’m going to a gym with a rock climbing wall. I will be terrified two feet up even on the wall, but I could never do it on an actual rock.
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My son is an opiate addict so they can’t give him something like Ativan for anxiety, but it seems like something in that family might help you. Anxiety is such a pain. Best of luck on that rock wall!
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Oh, yes! I take an anxiety med along with an antipsychotic. I have an anxiety disorder either as a symptom of my schizophrenia or in addition to it – not sure.
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I really enjoy reading your posts. I have learned a lot from you. I have a loved one with schizophrenia who has been stable for almost 4 years. She takes her medication now and is doing much better and living a fuller life. My question to you is â You went without a psychotic episode for 8 years and then moved to a new location which may have triggered the episode? Were you on your meds during those 8 years? I feel I am always watching her for signs of an episode to reoccur even though she stays on her medications.
Thank you,
Michelle
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Yes, I was on medication for the 8 years. The doctor took me off medication and that is when I became psychotic for so long. When I start to get really sick there are always signs and symptoms that come on slowly – less sleep, more anxiety, doing things I wouldn’t normally do, etc.
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