Well, I am doing it, and it feels great. I am going back to work. I’m not returning to my life as a social worker, or as a marketing coordinator or any of the other more professional jobs, I have had throughout my life. I can’t handle much stress or office politics, etc. In other words, my illness has progressed to a point where a nine to five job is impossible.
I don’t think everything is impossible, though. I accepted a part-time, service industry job that pays just above our minimum wage, but I am happy. I am happy because I believe it will force me to address some of my most persistent symptoms like lack of motivation, social isolation, and anxiety.
Am I scared that I will fail? Yes, but I am also excited to be entering the world again. I am also thrilled that I will have some money to back a few projects that I really want to start. I have been paying for some marketing for my guided journal/workbook that I wrote to help people gain self-confidence, spark creativity, and increase coping skills. (It is available here if you are interested).
I am also working on a writing project/workbook with one friend and a magazine for middle-aged women with another friend. I like to joke that my first three paychecks are already spent.
From all the stuff I am trying to put together, you can probably tell that I am trying hard to get back on my feet, and make a decent living as well as create, contribute, find meaning, network, socialize, and do the most I am capable of (which I’m not sure of right now). I know I can’t work a nine to five job like before, but can I work a part-time job and run an internet magazine? I don’t know, but I am going to try.
How do I feel as I embark on this new journey? Terrified, exhilarated, alive, hopeful, and everything in between. Against all the odds, I am trying to rewire my brain and beat some of the symptoms of schizophrenia and anxiety (along with medication, and all the other treatments I receive/participate in).
People often tell me I am brave for telling my story. I have never felt brave for writing about my life, but right now, I feel strong and determined, and I know I have a spirit that doesn’t give up easily. For the first time in my life, I feel like a fighter, and it feels good.
Please send all the warrior vibes you can muster, my first shift is in a few days, and I’m going to need all the tricks, tools, and arrows I can carry.