Since I started writing this blog, I have almost always wanted to show and tell about the similarities between me and everyone else. I have wanted to be the woman next door or the neighbor that always picks up the mail and waves hello. I have wanted to put a human face on schizophrenia and normalize the illness.
There are days like today, though, that there is no messing around, covering up, or putting a friendly face on my illness. It is severe, it can come from nowhere, and it can be a harsh, brutal, and rough adversary to try and wrestle. Today, it was so difficult with high anxiety, tight muscles that won’t relax no matter how many breathing exercises I do and just a general level of being uncomfortable in my surroundings, body, and mind.
There was even a five minute period when my husband was trying to help me today, where I cried and felt sorry for myself. It felt unfair to have to fight so hard to have an average or even okay day. I’m rarely someone who allows the indulgence of a pity party.
I had that pity party today, though, and there is something else I had. I talked with my husband, but mostly it was directed at me and my expectations. So many days, I tell my husband I am disappointed because of all the time I felt like I wasted. If I don’t have a productive day, I feel like the day is a waste and that I am failing.
Today, I tried to give myself a pep talk. It was a lecture about limitations and acceptance. I am rarely going to have highly productive days where I get three to four hours of writing completed, do some chores, take a shower, write in my journals, read some essays or part of a book, and many other things I wish I were working on or completing every single day.
I realized today that I am hard on myself. In my desire to come across as someone who is high functioning, I almost always feel bad about myself by the end of the day when I do not meet my expectations or ideas of what other people are producing, doing, checking off their to-do lists.
I described my day to my husband as one where I felt like I was barely hanging on by a fingernail. Oh my gosh, I have to remind myself, I have a brain illness. I have schizophrenia. Living with schizophrenia is a challenge. It is difficult. It is always present. It is like swimming in the ocean and getting caught up in the breaking of a wave. Pow, that sand can be hard when the powerful force of a wave slams you into it.
Stigma, jokes, misunderstandings, and stereotypes about schizophrenia are challenging to hear, deal with, and have to try to educate people or ignore. Still, I don’t think there is anything more damaging to me than the disappointment I feel toward myself when I don’t live up to my expectations.
I need to learn how to accept days where getting anything done is a success. I don’t want to lower the bar, but the sense of defeat I feel on bad days requires it. I need to learn to give myself a break. I have a difficult battle, and just staying alive and afloat is the best I can hope for on those rough water days.
This has been a challenging time our family members living with challenging brain illnesses. Getting through the day is enough. Sending so much love your way.
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Thank you so much! xoxoxoxo
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Yes to all of this. You are a wonderful human being and your honesty and vulnerability are a gift to us, your readers. It’s hard to “lower the bar” as you said in regular times, but especially now when you don’t know what to expect day to day..in the outside world. I have 2 lists going….One is everything I want to do in the near future…specific writing projects and specific painting projects. As long as I take one step on each list (not each project) each day…even if it’s research or reading about the topic… I consider that a good day. I had to back off from the early weeks of confinement when I was trying to work and produce 8 hours a day. It’s too much for me right now. Little steps..little bites will get us to our goals!! Thank you for your post!! xoxo
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Love you, Joyce!
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Rebecca, I cannot imagine how difficult all of this must be for you. There are so many challenges to face.
I used to get asked by people (family, friends, colleagues) what my son does all day. He is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I used to say, he survives. They would look at me like, oh! I would then explain the complexities that he has to face, day in and day out.
It is okay to just be. You accomplish more in a day, that others cannot (or that others can, but choose not to). Take this new normal that we all are facing and allow yourself to have days where you do nothing but take care of you, whatever that might look like. There is no shame or guilt in this.
I would recommend shutting off the news alerts and maybe taking breaks from social media that only provide the daily struggles of others. The news and social media updates that are out there are not healthy for any of us. It feels heavy at times, or for some all the time.
My son has shut off all news alerts and his depression and anxiety have significantly calmed down the past week and a half.
It’s also ok to have a pity party. You have struggles and it is okay to get upset. Let it out, hopefully getting it out will be helpful at the end of the day.
My son’s greatest gift is his brain and his greatest gift failed him. It’s okay to be upset by it, especially when the trajectory of your life becomes affected by it.
Take care of you. Sending peace, calm and health to you!
Diana F.
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Thank you so much for your understanding, input and support!
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Sending love to you today. Thank you for sharing. I am going to share this with my daughter who has schizoaffective disorder. I know she can relate, especially at this time. She was attending what is called the Clubhouse Model, maybe you have heard of it. The Clubhouses were established in New York in the late 40’s to give the mentally ill a place to work on their job skills and work with employers to provide jobs for them as they believe recovery had a lot to do with having something meaningful to do. My daughter had been attending The Clubhouse, known as , Vincent House Nature Coast, in Springhill ,Florida. She benefited so much from attending Mon thru Fri, plus they had field trips and parties which helped the mentally ill so much.Plus these are privately funded and do not cost the member to belong. Since the shut down, she has not had this wonderful place to go to and she really misses it. She told me the other day with tears in her eyes she was so tired of fighting this disease. I told her there is hope and things will get better not only for her but all of us again. This is an especially trying time for those with disabilities and their families so I wish you and anyone else who reads this the best and to not give up hope. I also hope some will check out the Clubhouse model if you have not heard of it. They have established these clubhouses in many states and countries in the world for the mentally ill and they are a very positive endeavor among the meager help the mentally ill in our country receive. Love to you and those who follow your wonderful, heartfelt writings.
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Thank you for the information, support and kindness.
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I needed to read this today… I have been struggling with my paranoia and a general unease more than normal. I’ve been beating myself up because my usual coping methods have been ineffective. You’re right, being reminded of one’s illness is really trippy. “I need to learn to give myself a break”. Very right.
Thanks for being so honest and reminding me that I am not alone even though it feels like it.
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You are not alone. I know how hard it can be. ❤
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Rebecca, hi. First let me say I love your honesty and the idea behind this blog. I wish I had found it 10 years ago while trying to understand and process my mother’s illness. You see, my mom was an untreated schizophrenic. She was terrified to go to regular docs, much less mental ones. And my dad had spent some time in mental institutions ( for PTSD, it was MUCH later discovered – and that was in the late 50s, and “treatments” were very different…)
To address the anxiety, I do struggle with that, often on the daily. I just posted some strategies yesterday actually, on my blog. Probably the most important thing is what you said – practice acceptance and being kind to yourself. You are doing great. You have gotten treatment and are learning strategies to cope with your illness, and trying to help others in the process. From the bottom of my heart, God bless you.
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Thank you for reading my posts and for your support, encouragement, and input. I’m sorry about your mom and dad – that is really hard. I hope to hear more from you.
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If it will help, my blog is, Here’s to Sincerity & Regeneration http://kellyhanwright.com/blog-2/ ❤
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❤
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You are so brave. Thank you for posting about your challenges!!
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Thank you! I certainly don’t feel brave.
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