A Case Against My Suicide


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I sit and look out over the San Diego Bay. What led me to this Southern tip of the United States involves a road trip to thirty-four states, selling all of my possessions, buying a seventeen –foot van, a decision to move to Abu Dhabi and a family drama that was so vicious and hateful I still have nightmares about it all these years later. Those details are just the small stuff, though. There is a before San Diego. There is a before my husband.

There is a bridge, three bottles of pills and two strangers. I didn’t do it for attention. I wasn’t saying, “Help me, look at me, notice me,” or anything like that. I wasn’t reaching out or thinking about a rescue. I was thinking about putting an end to a fractured mind.

On the bridge, a man gave me his hand and pulled me over the ledge to safety. On the interstate between Tacoma and Seattle, a man stopped after I passed out behind the wheel of my car. The details are blurry because by then the medication was pumping through my body with every heartbeat. The man waited for an ambulance. His last words before they closed the door, were, “Is she going to make it?”

I don’t know the exact day they rushed me to the hospital and spent all night monitoring my heart. I wish I did know the day so I could celebrate my anniversary, my second chance, the beginning of the new. I do know it it has been somewhere close to twenty years ago.

Twenty birthdays I came within minutes of not having. Twenty Christmas stockings that I would never have opened. A marriage to the love of my life where I would have never said, “I do.” There are approximately 7,300 mornings of kissing my husband. There are over 7,000 times I have heard the words, “I love you,” in the morning and before I go to sleep. It is the sunsets and sunrises. It is a morning cup of coffee.

It is hearing the voices of my parents and my brothers. It is doing things for the first time like baking biscuits or doing something the thousandth time like taking a long walk. It is trying new foods like kale or cauliflower pizza dough. It is a being a part of new trends. It is watching social media develop and the ability to send video and emojis on a smartphone.

It is watching my nieces and nephews grow from toddlers to adults. It is the incredible highs like a published article or poem in a prestigious magazine or journal. It is incredible lows and sadness as you watch your country fracture and fight. It is crying at car commercials and stories about lost pets. It is donating to a GoFundMe campaign. It is finishing a novel you are sure you would never forget (and then forgetting it). It is seeing artists express themselves in words, photographs, paint, clay, fabric, neon, and every other imaginable material and way.

It is putting on soft pajamas before bed or spending a day in those same pajamas. It is waking up every morning for over twenty years with the words, “Thank you,” on your lips as a cry, a sigh, and a prayer.

In Search of Gratitude


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Last night I couldn’t sleep, but unlike most sleepless nights, I didn’t get out of bed. I decided to stay in the warmth of two layers of comforters and try to fall deep into the land of dreams. However, I didn’t. I started thinking about my gratitude practice.

Day after day, week after week and month after month, my list seemed to look familiar. I am always profoundly grateful for my husband, for his job, for the benefits of his job (healthcare), and for the care he takes in making sure our house runs smoothly, and I that I am okay. I am also grateful for things like our health (although not perfect), faith, joy.

Last night, I found myself asking, “What else are you thankful for?’ And my reply surprised me. I started listing things like the mattress topper that provides a layer of squishy softness that keeps my back and hips from hurting, the soft new flannel sheets we bought from Target, having a pillow cradle my head, the fact that we can sleep with our window open in January. I went on and on listing the things right around me that make my life what it is and provide me the level of comfort I am used to (so used to that I hardly see or notice it).

After going through dozens of things I am grateful for, I imagined myself in a room with one bowl, one spoon, one house dress, some rice, some beans, and a mat for a bed. I imagined if those were my only possessions, I would be deeply grateful and highly aware of each one. How much more is in my house, though? I have hundreds of books lining shelves and covering the tops of tables. I have Two televisions with Netflix and a Smartphone. The books alone open whole worlds for me, Netflix and the Smartphone connect me to almost every place on the planet.

All of this and I haven’t even given thanks or considered things like touch, hearing, sight, taste, smell. Almost giddy at this point, I say out loud to a dark room on a sleepless night, “Walking. Even though I have a significant limp, I love walking.”  And then I realized since April of 2018 I have practiced gratitude on a daily basis, and all these months later that daily practice just exploded inside of me like a jacaranda tree in full purple boom. I knew for certain that in 2019 I would need much less and probably feel much better.

Enough. Grateful. Thankful. Overflowing. The list never ends.

The sun is shining through my window, and I’m going on no sleep but the palm branches swaying in the breeze look beautiful and calming. Overhead there is a hawk circling and probably hunting. I’ve been hunting too, for radical gratitude, which seems to have captured me in the middle of the night unaware and unexpecting.

Going from the Status Quo to Pro


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I know I said I wasn’t going to make resolutions but to be completely transparent I spent three weeks before the New Year making them. Every other year, I have scratched a list out on New Year’s Eve, tossed it in a notebook and then dug it out late December to discover I hadn’t done a single thing on the list (or maybe, I had done one or two if I was lucky).

This year, I was fascinated by the process. I even started some of the resolutions as soon as I made them. For instance, I have been stretching (some would call it doing yoga) for twenty-five minutes every morning for two weeks now. I have also been walking forty minutes five days a week for a couple of weeks.

The thing I realized about all of my resolutions, is that they are all about trying to keep me healthy in mind, body, spirit. The other thing I realized, thanks to one of my guided journals, is that they are not a drag or punishment at all. They are a privilege. I don’t “have to” stretch every morning. I am healthy enough to “get to” stretch every morning. I don’t “have to” walk five times a week, I am healthy enough and have enough mobility to “get to” walk five times a week. The same is true of all my resolutions even the ones I set about writing and reading (I don’t get to read and write when I am experiencing psychosis).

Changing these two small words, “have to” to “get to” makes the difference in my attitude. It makes working on my resolutions a joy,  an accomplishment, a privilege,  an adventure. Unlike years before, I don’t see my list as a bunch of things I “should do” I see them as a bunch of things I “want to do.”

I have started to use the same language for my chores and other things I find difficult or not necessarily pleasant. I don’t “have to” do the dishes, I “get to” do the dishes because I am well enough to see that they need cleaning.

I know many of you struggle with your mental health in one way or another, and I know it isn’t always possible to talk yourself into a shower or to get out of bed. (Oh how I know these things), but on the days that you are functioning enough to try a task or two, try changing the two words, “have to” to “get to.”

I hope changing these words will change your perspective and help you accomplish new and better things. I have high hopes for 2019, and I think two simple words are going to help me make it a great year instead of just the status quo.

Ringing in the New Year


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My husband and I were flipping through New Year’s Eve shows last night, and we missed the ball dropping in New York because at that very moment we were reading my blood pressure and pulse because the doctor asked me to monitor my numbers at home. (My anxiety disorder is on full display whenever I visit the doctor’s office, and my pulse usually registers somewhere around 120 plus so I was asked to take my vitals at home to make sure that I wasn’t always running that high).

The good news is that at midnight, East Coast time as the ball was dropping my blood pressure was 117 over 72, and my pulse rate was 75. Those are great numbers for me. That is the lowest I can remember my pulse being since I started monitoring it.

If I were superstitious, I would be concerned about the meaning of missing a New Year’s Eve tradition because I was monitoring my vitals, worrying a little bit about the quality of my health for the next year. I’m not superstitious though, but I do try to think positively and choose to see it that health will be a priority for me in 2019. I wish I could say that wellness will be the benefit and result of my efforts, but as all of us with chronic illness know too well is that even our best efforts are no guarantee of a good or great outcome.

I will say that it’s not just my blood pressure and pulse that I hope remain in healthy territory this year. I hope this is a year of health for all of us – you as well as me. You as well. Me as well. Try reading those last two statements again. They have a nice healthy ring to them, don’t they?

Happy Happy New Year!


Ditch the Resolutions and Go for Self-Care Instead


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Pain, mental health issues or any type of chronic illness takes time out of our day, week, year. For some of us, a shower is a major undertaking, for others, getting dressed or getting out of bed is more work than we can manage.

This year, instead of making a list of resolutions I toss out by February, feeling like a total failure, I am making a list of the best self-care tips that cost little and are easy to accomplish. If you want to join me in creating a New Year’s list to help get through the hardest days, here are some suggestions to get you going. I am sure you can come up with dozens of ideas on your own.

  1. Listen to five-minute mindfulness or calming video (type in five-minute meditation on Google, and you will get an extensive list).


  1. Little kids have it down when it comes to security and making themselves feel comfortable. Let’s take a lesson from them and keep or buy a blanket that is a favorite and keep it readily available on our comfiest chair or couch. (Mine is a patchwork quilt, my husbands is a weighted blanket). Curl up under your blanket on difficult days.


  1. Go to the library, your favorite bookstore, or online shop and rent or buy a couple of books that you loved as a child. Maybe you were a fan of the Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys series. I was a huge fan of Judy Blume and recently read Hello, God it’s Me Margaret and Blubber to connect to my preteen self. It was so easy to see why I identified and loved those books so much. Reading these books that so influenced my childhood made me feel connected to the kid I once was.


  1. This is a well documented and almost cliché thing to put on this list, but if it didn’t help, I wouldn’t include it. Start each morning by saying one thing you are grateful for and end each day doing the same. The practice of gratitude does change our perception over time.


  1. Create a spiritual practice. For some people this might be saying a prayer, for others, it might mean lighting candles for friends or loved ones, (or for yourself) or it might mean naming people in your life that you want to bring to your awareness and thinking of them bathed in light, or positive A Spiritual practice looks different for everyone but can take our minds off of our pain or problems and makes us feel as if we are lifting others.


  1. Keep a guided journal. As a part of my daily routine, I write in twelve guided journals most days of the week. One journal is about gratitude, one is about mindfulness, one is about keeping lists of favorite things, and there are spiritual ones, and creative writing prompts ones. I also work through the guided journal I wrote and published this year that is designed to build self-confidence and coping skills. If this idea interests you, check a bookstore, there are dozens of guided journals on the market addressing many different things.


  1. Make blackout or erasure poetry. Blackout poetry is an easy wan inexpensive way to create works of art (poems). Take a magazine, newspaper or a book you bought at a thrift store, and use a sharpie or pen to cross out (blackout) the words you don’t want in your poem. There are times when I do this that I only have five to ten words left on the page, and those words make up my poem.


  1. Do stretches. If you can get on the floor and do five minutes of full-body stretches, great! If you can’t use your whole body, try stretching your toes, or fingers, or your facial muscles. Start where you are and at your ability. It is not a competition; it is a tool for feeling better.


  1. Make sure you adopt a favorite sweatshirt, t-shirt, robe, socks, pants, shorts, pajamas, etc. Favorite clothes can give us comfort that lasts all day.


  1. If you have a favorite drink (like chai tea, hot chocolate, cider, coffee, etc.) or favorite food, try to add it into your day if it isn’t something that adversely impacts your health. I eat a piece of dark chocolate because it has less sugar because my sugar levels are borderline.


These are just a few ideas for your self-care list, but I can bet that creating it will make you feel better than a list of resolutions that so often end up making us feel defeated by our lack of progress or success. A Self-care list almost guarantees a positive outcome all you have to do is care for yourself in the ways that make you feel the best, and there you have it, New Year success!

Mental Illness is an Asshole and Other Observations by Gabe Howard


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For those of you who know me, or who have interacted with me in life outside of this blog, you know that I will support you in your endeavors (by buying your books, reading your work, buying your art, etc.) and the other thing I will do with almost everyone I meet is share resources. I love to network and help people out. And I always try to leave competition out of any social situation that isn’t a friendly game of Scrabble, or Bananagrams. So although I recently published a book, I do not hesitate to recommend a fellow advocate’s book to you for your consideration (there is enough space under the Christmas tree for dozens of books this year).

I know many of you who read this blog also suffer from anxiety or bipolar disorder, both of which the author and speaker, Gabe Howard, has. Gabe just released his book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and Other Observations, and it is a monster of a book with over three hundred pages (Gabe wanted to make sure you get your money’s worth). The book is a compilation of three years of Gabe’s essays, and blog posts for Psych Central, Bipolar Magazine, and other online publications.

I thought there was a possibility that the book would be so specific to bipolar disorder that it wouldn’t interest people with schizophrenia, but remember doctors thought I had bipolar disorder for almost twenty years before accurately diagnosing me with chronic paranoid schizophrenia. In other words, one mental illness can look a lot like another mental illness and be hard for even experts to differentiate.

Don’t let the title of the book; Mental Illness is an Asshole and Other Observations, throw you off from the practical advice the book has to offer. One reason the book is so timely is the advice it includes on maneuvering the holidays, and the tips and tricks section is relevant to those with any mental illness, not just bipolar disorder.

The two words that I would use to describe the book are educational (dispelling myths) and helpful (full of advice on everything from handling social situations when you suffer from social anxiety to boosting your self-esteem). Gabe has a clear, and direct writing style that is easy to read and contains plenty of anecdotes to help illustrate points and make the reading more lively than a point by point discussion.

I had two favorite parts to this book one was letters from Gabe’s readers and his responses to their questions and concerns, and the other one was Gabe’s “annual birthday post.” at the end of the book. In the birthday post, Gabe reveals the real impact mental illness can have on all of us and how that impact can challenge our sense of self, our accomplishments and our confidence in our abilities.

This book is suitable as a gift to those people in your life that you might want to understand better what living with a mental illness is like, and those of us with a mental illness who want to live our best life. Gabe isn’t a doctor, but there are times when the lived experience is a better teacher than the ones we find in books, but in this case, you get a book of lived experience, and it’s a good one. I recommend it to you without hesitation.



My Latest Article on The Mighty


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I’ve written many pieces about the challenges of being married and having an illness like schizophrenia. Here is one of my latest pieces on The Mighty. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while will likely find this similar to things I have written before.

Free Gift of Self-Care December 1st – December 25th


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December Giving To Anyone with a Chronic or Mental Illness


If you are not familiar with an advent calendar, it is a calendar that starts on December 1st and ends on December 25th (Christmas). When I was growing up, we had a felt advent calendar in our living room and the first one to wake up in the morning, removed, the little piece of felt and a picture (like a star, or poinsettia and the day’s date became visible). When my niece and nephew were little, I used to buy them the same type of calendar at Trader Joe’s, and each day they could open the tiny door on the box, and there was a piece of chocolate covering that day’s date. They would eat one piece of chocolate every morning from the 1st to the 25th of December.

Because December and the holidays can be tough on people, especially people with a physical or mental illness, I try to get my husband and me through the season in the best state of mind possible, and one way I do that is to create a twist on the advent calendar every year.

Last year I took twenty-five clothespins and clipped them on a string and hung it across a wall in the living room. I clipped a piece of paper to each pin. On the front of the paper was a number (from 1 to 25) and when my husband opened each piece of paper during December, he found a random act of kindness that he had to complete that day. One day, his act was to open the door for a stranger. Another day it was saying hi to five people he passed on the street. Another day it was leaving a dollar twenty-five in quarters in the laundry room so someone could do a free load of washing.

This year, I am going to take twenty-five envelopes and twenty-five recipe cards. I am going to write an inspirational quote on each of the twenty-five cards, put them in an envelope and number each envelope from 1 to 25. The same idea can be a self-care routine for someone with a chronic physical or mental illness, but instead of inspirational quotes, there can be a five-minute action (some may take more than five minutes) that the person has to complete that day.

Some suggestions for a self-care calendar are: eat one of your favorite foods today, draw a picture, or burn your favorite candle. For someone else it might be, make yourself a cup of tea and stare out the window while you sip it, take a nap, read at least two articles from your favorite magazine, or start a new book. Someone else might like things like, call your best friend, take a social media break, watch an episode of your favorite show, or one of your favorite movies.

There are endless ideas you can use for this gift to your friend or loved one, and the better you know them, the easier it will be for you to come up with ideas for little (or big) things for them to do. If you want to make it even more elaborate, on some days, you might want to include a small gift with the self-care suggestion — for instance, a candle, a book by their favorite author, the latest copy of their favorite magazine. I wouldn’t get carried away though, the beauty of creating this gift is it is in the thought and time spent putting it together. We all know that it is the thought that counts and this gift are thoughts that count (Calendar! Countdown to Christmas!) Okay, I’m better at making holidays special than making puns!


One Simple Thing and Our Lives Just Got Easier


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Twelve years ago, when my husband and I moved to San Diego, we bought a California king bed for our new apartment. Six months ago, my father-in-law sold his condominium and offered us his almost new king-sized bed. When my husband measured the two beds to make sure that the new one would fit in our room, he noticed that something was wrong. They were different sizes. He guessed that his fathers was a standard king and that is why it was different than ours, but his father’s bed was longer than ours. When he investigated further he discovered, our bed was a standard king, and his fathers was a California king.

For twelve years we had struggled to make the bed. We never found a set of sheets that fit correctly and after a year or so they would end up ripping at the corners. It was a constant battle to keep the fitted edges tucked in, and almost every night the sheet would pop off on mine or my husband’s side (usually mine because I toss and turn more in my sleep) — twelve years of battles.

Last week we received a Target gift card and went to the store and bought a set of red stripped flannel sheets in a standard king size. We washed them, then made the bed, and they fit perfectly. There was no pulling, tugging and stretching the corners to get the fitted edges over the side. Making the bed has become a breeze, and we no longer have to lift the mattress and stretch the elastic over the corner each morning when we wake up. We received another Target gift card a couple of days ago and went and bought two more sets of standard king-sized sheets and we boxed up all of our old linens to donate to Goodwill (I doubt they take bedding, but we will try).

I thought the story of our bed was a perfect metaphor for so many things in life that destroy our well being, damage our relationships and chip away at our self-esteem. Have you ever thought something about a person and struggled to make them fit your idea? Have you ever thought something was good, or right and wrestled to make yourself fit the mold? Have you ever wanted to be two to three sizes smaller and dieted and worked out, but never fit into the clothes you were dreaming about?

Twelve years of struggling to make the bed combined with dozens of torn sheets – throw out the assumptions and expectations and measure the darn bed! In other words, toss the assumptions, check the facts, and if they don’t match up, go to Target and remedy the situation.

Thanksgiving Post with a Twist


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I keep a gratitude list most days of the week, and there is nothing on any of my lists that you would find remarkable or surprising. As someone who has chronic paranoid schizophrenia not being psychotic and having a loving partner are reasons for intense and radical gratitude every day, along with the ability to appreciate and participate in what most people would find mundane.

So, this year my Thanksgiving post is not about me, but about you. It is not about giving thanks, but holding space for hope. As someone who frequently feels voiceless and on the outside of every community I try to fit in and belong to, I hope you find acceptance because acceptance can be a deep and sacred desire. I hope it for you.

I hope that no matter how violent, infuriating, discouraging, and stress-inducing the news is that you can find time to turn it off and enjoy reading, writing, watching a movie, having coffee or a conversation with a friend. I hope you make time for yourself and the pleasures in life despite the 24/7 cycle of bad news.

I hope that you have someone, near or far, that you can be your authentic self with. Someone who can see you in trying times, the best times, the worst times, your highs, your lows and everything in between.

I hope that this year you will make a new friend, learn a new skill, get a new job, publish an essay, sell a photograph or anything else that would fill your heart with joy.

Most of all, I hope you have love. I hope that you give it and receive it. I hope that you bask in its power and wake to its glory. I hope that it surrounds you day and night and that you never, not once, forget that it exists in the universe and is free and open to us all.