Tag Archives: anxiety

I Can’t Do That Anymore

16 Friday Oct 2020

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I attended a virtual event yesterday about mental health. I was supposed to give my input, but I didn’t know exactly when I would be speaking. After an hour and fifteen minutes, I needed to log off because adrenaline had been pumping through my body the whole time, and I was sick from it. It took me an extra dose of medication and two to three hours to get back to a place of feeling okay.

One of the worst parts of this illness is the desire to do things that I cannot do. I want to feel 100% all the time. I want to be able to speak at events, travel, visit friends and family, attend conferences and workshops, but so often, it isn’t possible for me.

It is hard to accept that I was unaware of any limitations that held me back for much of my life.  I did what I wanted to do. I went where I wanted to go. I took jobs that I wanted to do. I flew overseas at the drop of a hat. I was strong and capable and didn’t even consider that the things I was doing were difficult or impossible for some people.

Now, I live with many limitations, but the reality hasn’t caught up to my desires. I still see what I want to do and try it, and often it turns out terribly. I don’t want to be someone who never tries new things or says no, out of fear of a negative result, but when things go wrong, and people are counting on me, or I have my hopes up, I feel like a failure.

I think many people are like I used to be. They are unaware that the everyday things they do are impossible for some people. I think this makes people less forgiving when those of us with an invisible illness say, “I can’t do that,” or “I’m having trouble and need to leave.”

It is easy to judge people and consider them unreliable or flakey or incompetent or even someone who lies about why they can’t do something. I hope that I have learned from personal experience that not everyone can produce at the same level, have a busy schedule, go to every event you or me, or others can.

I need to extend more grace to those people who have a more difficult time than I do. I need to believe that they are doing the best they can. I hope others will extend that grace to me and realize that I wish I could do all the things, but that simply is a life I have to let go of and accept that I struggle mightily with so much.

Let’s try to believe what people say, show compassion, and think the best of one another. I need this reminder, and I think some others do as well.

Looking Past the Cracks

25 Friday Sep 2020

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Like everything else, I have a crack in me. I think Leonard Cohen said that the cracks let the light in. I don’t know if anything about schizophrenia is light or a silver lining. I doubt it. I doubt the hallucinations, delusions, anxiety, lack of motivation, voices, psychosis in general, can be seen as positive. I would challenge the person who tried to make light of these things, but that isn’t to say that the crack in me can’t be handled with creativity, with uniqueness, with a type of resilience that makes me, not the crack, shine. Schizophrenia will never be the light, but the things I have faced, the difficulties, the obstacles, can make light of me. I am light. I shine.

Like everything else, I have a crack in me, and although my crack isn’t something I would want for others, I am stronger because of it. I am kinder because of it. I see the suffering of others and don’t turn away. I can meet suffering head-on. I can sit with those who suffer and give them space, hold their hand. I’m no savior. I can’t save anyone. The self must do all the saving. The desire to pass through, to heal, to move on.

Like everything else, I have a crack in me, but I am not the crack. I contain the crack, but it isn’t the sum or total of me. I am compassionate. I am creative. I am spiritual. There is a world inside that contains the crack but isn’t defined or made by it.

Like everything else, I have a crack in me, but I can still sing my favorite song. I can still hold hands with my husband as we walk down the street. I can always write poetry and prose. I can call a friend. I can play a video game and get excited about being one point or fifteen points ahead. I can try harder when I am behind.

Like everything else, there is a crack in me, and it’s not that it is small or insignificant. It’s not that it is hidden or that people can’t see it. It’s not that I don’t need to manage or take care of it. All of those things need to be, but it is that it is a crack, only a crack, not a break, not a missing piece, not a lost part, not smashed or completely broken, ruined of flawed.

Like everything else, there is a crack in me, but there is so much more to this container than the piece that the light can get through. I am an adventurer, a traveler, a human being complete, and full.

Like everything else, I have a crack, but it isn’t the most interesting thing about me at all. Not even close. A crack is a crack, and we all have some. Mine is just this way, and yours is another. Let’s not spend too much time there.  

OUTSIDER AS ADULT

15 Monday Apr 2019

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(My contribution to poetry month)

OUTSIDER AS ADULT

Like in junior high

Dodgeball

Two captains

My peers

Pick my classmates

One by one

With each name called

I pray

My name will be next

It is painful

This process

Whittling down

Students to

Two or three

I am the final

One standing

Not chosen

At all

But placed

On the second captain’s team

A loss

Before the game

Even begins

 

 

Ditch the Resolutions and Go for Self-Care Instead

20 Thursday Dec 2018

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Pain, mental health issues or any type of chronic illness takes time out of our day, week, year. For some of us, a shower is a major undertaking, for others, getting dressed or getting out of bed is more work than we can manage.

This year, instead of making a list of resolutions I toss out by February, feeling like a total failure, I am making a list of the best self-care tips that cost little and are easy to accomplish. If you want to join me in creating a New Year’s list to help get through the hardest days, here are some suggestions to get you going. I am sure you can come up with dozens of ideas on your own.

  1. Listen to five-minute mindfulness or calming video (type in five-minute meditation on Google, and you will get an extensive list).

 

  1. Little kids have it down when it comes to security and making themselves feel comfortable. Let’s take a lesson from them and keep or buy a blanket that is a favorite and keep it readily available on our comfiest chair or couch. (Mine is a patchwork quilt, my husbands is a weighted blanket). Curl up under your blanket on difficult days.

 

  1. Go to the library, your favorite bookstore, or online shop and rent or buy a couple of books that you loved as a child. Maybe you were a fan of the Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys series. I was a huge fan of Judy Blume and recently read Hello, God it’s Me Margaret and Blubber to connect to my preteen self. It was so easy to see why I identified and loved those books so much. Reading these books that so influenced my childhood made me feel connected to the kid I once was.

 

  1. This is a well documented and almost cliché thing to put on this list, but if it didn’t help, I wouldn’t include it. Start each morning by saying one thing you are grateful for and end each day doing the same. The practice of gratitude does change our perception over time.

 

  1. Create a spiritual practice. For some people this might be saying a prayer, for others, it might mean lighting candles for friends or loved ones, (or for yourself) or it might mean naming people in your life that you want to bring to your awareness and thinking of them bathed in light, or positive A Spiritual practice looks different for everyone but can take our minds off of our pain or problems and makes us feel as if we are lifting others.

 

  1. Keep a guided journal. As a part of my daily routine, I write in twelve guided journals most days of the week. One journal is about gratitude, one is about mindfulness, one is about keeping lists of favorite things, and there are spiritual ones, and creative writing prompts ones. I also work through the guided journal I wrote and published this year that is designed to build self-confidence and coping skills. If this idea interests you, check a bookstore, there are dozens of guided journals on the market addressing many different things.

 

  1. Make blackout or erasure poetry. Blackout poetry is an easy wan inexpensive way to create works of art (poems). Take a magazine, newspaper or a book you bought at a thrift store, and use a sharpie or pen to cross out (blackout) the words you don’t want in your poem. There are times when I do this that I only have five to ten words left on the page, and those words make up my poem.

 

  1. Do stretches. If you can get on the floor and do five minutes of full-body stretches, great! If you can’t use your whole body, try stretching your toes, or fingers, or your facial muscles. Start where you are and at your ability. It is not a competition; it is a tool for feeling better.

 

  1. Make sure you adopt a favorite sweatshirt, t-shirt, robe, socks, pants, shorts, pajamas, etc. Favorite clothes can give us comfort that lasts all day.

 

  1. If you have a favorite drink (like chai tea, hot chocolate, cider, coffee, etc.) or favorite food, try to add it into your day if it isn’t something that adversely impacts your health. I eat a piece of dark chocolate because it has less sugar because my sugar levels are borderline.

 

These are just a few ideas for your self-care list, but I can bet that creating it will make you feel better than a list of resolutions that so often end up making us feel defeated by our lack of progress or success. A Self-care list almost guarantees a positive outcome all you have to do is care for yourself in the ways that make you feel the best, and there you have it, New Year success!

Thanksgiving Post with a Twist

20 Tuesday Nov 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I keep a gratitude list most days of the week, and there is nothing on any of my lists that you would find remarkable or surprising. As someone who has chronic paranoid schizophrenia not being psychotic and having a loving partner are reasons for intense and radical gratitude every day, along with the ability to appreciate and participate in what most people would find mundane.

So, this year my Thanksgiving post is not about me, but about you. It is not about giving thanks, but holding space for hope. As someone who frequently feels voiceless and on the outside of every community I try to fit in and belong to, I hope you find acceptance because acceptance can be a deep and sacred desire. I hope it for you.

I hope that no matter how violent, infuriating, discouraging, and stress-inducing the news is that you can find time to turn it off and enjoy reading, writing, watching a movie, having coffee or a conversation with a friend. I hope you make time for yourself and the pleasures in life despite the 24/7 cycle of bad news.

I hope that you have someone, near or far, that you can be your authentic self with. Someone who can see you in trying times, the best times, the worst times, your highs, your lows and everything in between.

I hope that this year you will make a new friend, learn a new skill, get a new job, publish an essay, sell a photograph or anything else that would fill your heart with joy.

Most of all, I hope you have love. I hope that you give it and receive it. I hope that you bask in its power and wake to its glory. I hope that it surrounds you day and night and that you never, not once, forget that it exists in the universe and is free and open to us all.

A Guided Mental Illness Journal & Workbook: Build Confidence and Coping Skills

23 Sunday Sep 2018

Posted by in articles I wrote, bipolar, caregivers, heroes, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, travel, Uncategorized, writing

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Here is the cover of my new guided journal/workbook. It contains writing prompts, tasks, and exercises to think more creatively, increase motivation, learn new skills and basically help you think past the symptoms of mental illness. I will be donating 10% of my royalties to Third Avenue Charitable Organization (TACO) to help with the work they do with the homeless and low income in my community. Many of the people they serve have a mental illness. The workbook is available on Amazon.

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Unwind My Mind

07 Friday Sep 2018

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My mind is like Twizzler candy, all in a twist. Two weeks ago, I finally got up the courage to make a doctor’s appointment and have two spots that people keep telling me to see a doctor about checked. One, I have had for twenty years (I got it checked once ten years ago, and the other, has been growing on the side of my face for six months to a year).

At the dermatologist, I whooped and squealed when they said, the spot on the side of my face is a barnacle and is benign. I got up the courage to show the doctor the other, older, more ominous spot on my shoulder and she said, “Oh, that! Of course, people are concerned about it because they see a pocket of blood, but it is just a grouping of broken blood vessels. You will probably see more of them on your body as you age.”

For the first time in over two years, I don’t have a major medical concern that might be cancer, lead to surgery, or need medication for treatment. Right now, I am relatively free from serious medical concerns except schizophrenia. That hasn’t helped my mind, though. My mind is still in, “I’m probably going to need serious treatment, and I might die mode.” Considering chemo, radiation and two different types of surgery for over two years has caused a type of catastrophic thinking in my brain that is now automatic.

I am a big believer in trying to rewire the brain to break destructive habits and create a more positive, happy, productive existence. Not only does it take time and effort to break negative thinking patterns, but it also takes some calm, some peace, and some distance from the crisis. I just started to get that distance on Tuesday (four short days ago).

When I look in the mirror, I still catch myself avoiding looking at the left side of my face to keep from seeing the round patch of discolored skin there, because I tried so long to trick myself that if I didn’t see it, it wasn’t there and couldn’t be cancer. I also catch myself avoiding drying my breasts with a towel after a shower because I don’t want to accidentally feel the 14 cm (or one of the smaller) masses that have lodged there, thus reminding me of the tests I still need or that I am waiting for results.

Most of us with schizophrenia know the statistics. On average our lives are twenty years shorter than the national average. I am keenly aware that I am in my fifties and will be celebrating another birthday in three short weeks. I am a few short years away from the bleak statistic.

Nevertheless, I want to go from crisis mode, from catastrophic thinking to believe I will live until I am at least eighty. So, every morning I tell myself, “It is possible for me to live until I am eighty.” I know this seems almost childlike in its simplicity, but it is helping untwist my very tired and traumatized mind. Thinking that you might have to deal with life-threatening medical problems for two years straight is exhausting. I believe it changes the way the brain functions and it has a huge impact on our future outlook.

I told my husband the other day; I am tired, so deeply tired. This should be of no surprise to me or anyone else. I don’t need physical rest; I need emotional rest. I need not think that death is looming or surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. are right around the corner. My mind has been like a warrior preparing me for the worst for over twenty-four months.

I have so many friends who have faced these things and received worse news than me and had to go through these treatments. I am not trying to compare my negative diagnoses to their more difficult positive ones. I am not trying to insinuate that my experience is more difficult or even on par with theirs, I am not. I am only saying that my brain has now been trained to be in crisis mode, in preparation for the worst mode, in bad news and worst-case scenario mode, and I can see and feel the consequences of that.

Now, it is time to retrain my brain and like I started out this blog piece saying, my mind is twisted. I keep telling myself positive things and keep catching myself doing frightened, scared, nervous, uncertain things.

I went with my husband to the doctor to get a bump on his back checked out, and I told the doctor, “I’m sorry, I have schizophrenia, I worry about everything.” The doctor said, “That has nothing to do with schizophrenia, I worry about everything, too.”  I believe that, and that’s why I’m sharing with you.

My Illness is not so Different From Your Illness

25 Monday Jun 2018

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I don’t know ninety percent of my friends on social media in real life. I can tell you that I have watched some of their children grow from birth to toddler. I have seen them adopt puppies and cats, and I have frequently read about the loss of a loved one. I don’t know most of the people on my “friend’s list,” but I would recognize them at a writer’s conference (which frequently happens) or in a workshop.
All that is to say, I read what people are posting, and I have been for years, and the level of comfort that most people toss out about anxiety and depression is amazing. It seems like the majority of people I connect with on social media have a diagnosed anxiety disorder or depressive disorder, or they have diagnosed themselves.
In the circles I am a part of it is perfectly natural and well accepted to discuss social anxiety and panic attacks, it is a little less prevalent to discuss depression, but I still see a post about it almost every day. The way people toss out these two disorders has always left me wondering if people are “claiming” them or if they are taking medication for them? If everyone who is posting about social anxiety and panic attacks or depression is being treated for those disorders then the statistics on mental illness are far from accurate – it is a crisis.
I suspect that not everyone who uses the phrase “panic attack” actually means that their heart was racing, they thought they were going to die and thought about going to the emergency room. I also suspect that not everyone who uses the word depression to describe their mood has trouble with daily activities like showering and brushing their teeth. Please, don’t get me wrong, I know that many people suffer and suffer quite silently or we wouldn’t lose famous people to suicide and drug overdoses as often as we do. I simply think that phrases and words like panic attack, depression, social anxiety are incorrectly and way overused.
The point, I want to make though, is can you ever imagine a time when people (lots of them) would casually throw out that they have schizophrenia? No, you can’t. Schizophrenia is like crossing a line. Depression is acceptable, anxiety is acceptable and isn’t that bipolar disorder the one that makes you so creative? I am so tired of reading people’s essays, and books where they say, “At least I don’t have schizophrenia.” Well, an article came out today (link here) that claims that research shows that ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders share a lot of similarities genetically.
I’ll be waiting for the day when people are also self-diagnosing themselves with schizophrenia the way I suspect some of them do with anxiety and depression, and that schizophrenia is openly talked about, acceptable, and almost the cool thing to be. If current attitudes are any indication, I will probably be waiting a long time, but still, I will be waiting.

A Possible Source of Anxiety

25 Friday May 2018

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In the city where I live in California, we voted to ban plastic bags. The plastic bags were ending up in the Pacific Ocean, in storm drains, and on the beach, threatening wildlife and causing damage to the environment. I have been concerned about the environment and lessening my footprint on it for over thirty years (my first husband was an environmental scientist) so, I was 100% behind banning the bags.

It turns out that banning plastic bags increased the cases of Hepatitis A in our city. How are the two related? People who live on the streets and in encampments were using the plastic bags as toilets and then disposing of them. When plastic bags were no longer readily available people started eliminating on the street and in places where people walk, sit, sleep and walk their dogs.

Fecal contamination spreads hepatitis, and the best way to prevent it is to wash your hands frequently. People on the streets don’t have access to hand washing stations (they do now). So, the lack of a proper way to dispose of waste combined with no accessible hand washing stations created an epidemic in our city. It wasn’t just the lack of plastic bags that created the health risk, but it contributed to it.

Unintended consequences.

The plastic bag example is a case of unintended consequences and most of our actions, words, etc. even if well-intentioned have unintended consequences. I once warned someone about the lies and manipulation of another person, and the person I warned turned around and told the other person causing me continued problems for over three years. My desire to protect the person I gave the information to turned into an opportunity for her and her husband to hurt me and my relationship with several people. This example might sound like a small example but the stress the situation caused contributed to me being psychotic for over six months.

Unintended consequences.

They happen in our lives every day, all around us. There is no way to foresee them or to avoid them without living a completely sheltered life. As long as you are talking to people, going out in public, etc. there will always be unintended consequences.

Unintended consequences.

This reality, these possibilities, this path that we can go down without ever intending to, these ripples we can cause that can go on for miles, over mountains and for years, can create anxiety in people. I know they can create anxiety in me. Even though I have had bad results with unintended consequences, I choose to keep moving forward, but if I am more cautious, slower to make a move, more guarded don’t be surprised.

Unintended consequences can occasionally make you sick and can cause you hesitate before moving forward in case the landscape in front of you is about to burn.

It is all About the Risk

12 Saturday May 2018

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People with schizophrenia (and those without) frequently have difficulty in social situations. I figured out what the big deal is behind some of the anxiety, discomfort, awkwardness of social situations for so many of us, and what I discovered was that it has to do with risk. We all have to risk something to be around other people and interact with them.

I am in a class right now, and I am required to critique other writer’s work. I critiqued one woman’s essay and completely misunderstood what she wrote. She may have thought that I am dense, or that I am a poor reader, others in the class may have thought that my schizophrenia impacts my cognitive abilities or many other things. The point is, to be in the class, I have to take risks. I have to risk looking stupid. I have to risk misunderstandings of all kinds. There is so much to risk just by taking a class.

Going to parties, or having a job, or going to coffee with a friend, all of these things require risks on different levels. Having a job involves a lot more risk than going to a party, and having coffee with a friend requires less risk than that of attending a party. But all social interactions require us to take risks. The better we are at taking risks, and recovering from flaws, mistakes, failures, etc. probably corresponds with our level of anxiety about being with people.

Before I was on medication, making a mistake or being embarrassed could cause me to spend the whole night awake thinking about what a fool or failure I was, and I would play the incident out in my head over and over again. I would torture myself. Now, that I am on medication, and my inner voice is very subdued, if not almost non-existent, I am not as hard on myself. I wonder if some of this has to do with age and the fact that I am more gentle with myself in general? I’m not sure, but for whatever reason, I recover much quicker from social “mistakes” than I used to.

I think this “recovery” from slip-ups, missteps, accidents, misunderstandings, etc. is what keeps me from slipping into complete social isolation. I am not “horrified” that I am an imperfect person and that those imperfections play out in the social arena every time I enter it. I also don’t consider myself a complete failure or idiot for making a mistake or looking foolish.

This discovery felt very relevant to me this morning after thinking about my class and my interactions with other people.