Tag Archives: anxiety

What We Give, Say, and Do

28 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I had an experience on Monday that left me reeling. I’m not going to explain exactly what happened, but I will say that I felt ignored, pushed aside, and avoided. It was the first time I was meeting this group of people, and they were all aware that I have schizophrenia. I have never felt like having schizophrenia caused people to treat me differently, so this was a new situation for me.

It is clear when someone comments with something like wacko, sicko, psycho, etc. that they have ignorance and possibly intolerance about people with a mental illness. If someone ignores you or avoids you, it isn’t obvious why they are doing that. For example, I can’t say with one hundred percent certainty that people were avoiding me or pushing me aside because they didn’t want to interact, recognize, or give space to the person with schizophrenia.

I spoke to a coach/mentor friend of mine and told her the whole story, and she said she didn’t think it was intentional. I know her advice and her perspectives are good ones and healthy ones, but there is a nagging feeling in me that says, what I felt was real, and true, and valid. (Just to make a note she wasn’t trying to invalidate my feelings, she was trying to be objective).

Now that I am thinking about rejection, there was a time, on a psych ward, that the attendants made me feel less than. It was after I was admitted, late at night and I was in my room. The attendants were obviously going over my paperwork, and one of them said, “Did you see where she works and what she does?” Someone else answered, “Yes, she is a social worker for the State.” The first person replied, “I hope that doesn’t happen to us!”

At my job, during the day, I would have been these women’s equal, their coworker, or even someone with more authority than them, but while I was in bed, on a psych ward, I was someone they didn’t want to be. I was someone they hoped they would never become.

I am going to try to be more aware of people in social settings I find myself in. I am going to look for those people that hang on the fringes, that sit by themselves, that seem awkward, anxious, or scared. And if I know something about someone like that they are battling an illness, or have recently lost someone, or anything that can make other people feel uncomfortable talking to them, I am going to gravitate in their direction.

I know you have heard it a thousand times, I have heard it that many too, but it truly is the little things that make the difference. I am capable of small things, and let’s hope those small things I give, and that we all give, turn into the force that keeps others from feeling lost or alone.

No matter what, we all have the little things to give. Give them with wild abandon.

 

 

Public Service Announcement (PSA) About Medications During Holiday Travel

04 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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This blog post is a public service announcement (PSA).

I know that many of us with a mental illness or other disability don’t travel much because we can’t afford it, or because of all the details that go into it, or the fear of being far from our doctors, or a familiar pharmacy, etc. But we do travel, and this time of year more people are traveling than ever.

My husband’s father and his wife came to visit from overseas. They arrived on Friday night. So far we do not know where their luggage is. Thankfully, they put a week’s worth of medication in their carry-on, but they are staying for three months, and the remaining pills are in their checked bags. If you have an illness that requires you to take medications every day and you are traveling, never put your medication in your checked luggage. I always separate my medication into two groups. I put enough to get me through the vacation or trip in both places. I put one group in my purse and the other group in my carry-on. I always take twice as much medication as I need.

We took my in-laws to our pharmacy last night and asked what we needed to do to get them more medication if the airline is unable to locate their luggage. The pharmacist said that they couldn’t accept prescriptions from overseas so we will need to make an appointment and have my in-laws see a doctor here for new prescriptions. Obviously, this takes time, effort, and money. This is not what you want to be doing when you are far from home.

I know we will be able to take care of this situation for my in-laws (thank goodness), but not without stress, worries, etc. Also, it is possible we will need to go to a couple or a few doctors before one will prescribe medication to someone they don’t know. UGH.

Traveling can be a rewarding experience for anyone, but it can be particularly rewarding if you have a mental illness and you find your world is shrinking (my doctor has said this is what is happening to me – doing less, and less, taking fewer and fewer risks and trying fewer and fewer things). I need to take the opportunity to travel to open up my world, but there is a lot of planning that goes into taking a trip for me, and I can easily say that the handling of my medications is the top priority.

One last thing about this, if you live in a disaster zone, please keep an emergency kit by your door with at least a week’s worth of medication in it. I live in earthquake country, and I keep some cash, copies of my ID, and a week or more worth of medication in a bag in the hallway by the door.

Having a chronic illness of any kind takes so much work and care. It isn’t enough to simply get a diagnosis, take your medications, and visit your doctor every six months. There is a lot of work that goes into managing an illness, and I hope we can all be successful at it because our health and possibly our life depends on it.

Whose Voice Should Be On the Front Lines?

03 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I have frequently written about caregivers and their role in helping, assisting, loving, organizing treatment, taking care of finances, etc. for those of us with a disability (whether it is schizophrenia, autism, or any number of other disabilities). Caregivers are essential, and I know they need their space, their groups, and their support, and they have every right to tell their stories.

Here is the thing though, and I say this with caution (as not to offend any caregivers): we have our voice, and many of us would prefer that the public learn about our conditions from our perspective and not always the perspective of the caregiver.

Recently on Facebook, a freelance writer who I am in contact with on social media, accepted a job writing about schizophrenia, from an online site (she doesn’t have schizophrenia). I know at least a dozen writers with schizophrenia who are trying desperately to make a living doing something they can do (because there are many jobs they can’t do) and this freelancer is not only taking a job from “us” but is going to be “our voice” as well.

I am a little tired of the story of parents of a child with schizophrenia turning up in the New York Times, or other prominent newspapers or magazines, (anywhere actually) because inevitably it is a story about how “awful” it is to have a child with schizophrenia. We have all read the story of the sad “before” – great athlete, great student, popular, outgoing, to the “after” – withdrawn, unable to read or attend classes, etc. I for one, am tired of that story – extremely tired. There is another story to be told. There are thousands of other stories to be told.

I think there is a place for caregivers, and their stories, but I think the ones who should be given precedence to tell the story of schizophrenia, or autism, or anxiety, or physical disability, are those who live it. Our stories, our voice.

I don’t want to see another Hollywood script about the creepy killer having schizophrenia. I don’t want to see another newscaster or journalist speculate about the possibility of a mass shooter being mentally ill, and I don’t want to read another story by a parent of someone with a disability about how that disability is lived out.

I want those of us with schizophrenia to define schizophrenia – not Hollywood, not the media, not parents or siblings. There are huge misconceptions about schizophrenia held by the majority of the public; I want to be on the front lines dispelling those misconceptions and myths.

I am thankful for every single person who cares and is an ally to anyone who has a mental or physical disability. It is time, though to allow us to speak for ourselves. And won’t that speaking, that writing, that telling be one of the most powerful tools in getting rid of stigma, ignorance, and all the other negative perceptions? Besides, allowing us to do and get a paycheck for the jobs we are capable of doing, it also lets us define our lives and what they look like – something people have been doing for us (incorrectly) throughout history.

From Breast Cancer to Social Anxiety, Social Media can Help

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I have frequently written about social media – people curating the “perfect life” on Instagram and Facebook, ganging up on people on Twiter, and of course, the mind-numbing time suck it can be. I have also written about my love of social media. Snapchat has added so much humor and connection to my life and is a positive addition to my days.

Of course, I have written that social media can be a savior to those of us who isolate socially, or are homebound, or have social anxiety. But there is something I found out this week that made me realize why I spend so much time reading the posts of others on social media – I find people with similar experiences to me.

I have written a little about the fact that while I am going through my breast cancer scare (that has lasted almost a year now) that I have found comfort, information, and support by reading about women in all different phases of breast cancer. Some of those women recently diagnosed, some in the midst of radiation or chemo, some survivors for over ten years. I have read story after story and followed some people’s journey all the way from diagnosis to their final treatment. I have learned about all the emotions that go into a cancer diagnosis, a mastectomy, hair loss, the thoughts of mortality, the fear, the sadness, the brain fog, etc. And on the other side, I have seen comments by hundreds of women, who like me, have had long drawn out tests that ended up being negative. I feel educated about this topic by a group of women across the globe.  I can’t say how much this has comforted and kept me sane during this process (my next test is on Dec. 13th.)

It hasn’t only been breast cancer, though. Earlier in the week, I read a post from a woman asking for suggestions on how to get through her anxiety. She wrote that she couldn’t tell the difference between excitement and fear/anxiety and her upcoming trip to Spain was causing her problems. What? I thought I was the only person on the planet that hated to be excited because I can’t distinguish that feeling from negative feelings. Excitement makes me nervous, anxious, shaky, uncomfortable and scared.

There are also the people I have met on social media who have schizophrenia. I can read what they post every day, and the things that they like and are concerned about and what they are doing with their time. Knowing other people with schizophrenia, and getting to experience bits and pieces of their lives, helps me feel less alone and not so different in the world. The people I have met on social media with schizophrenia are like me – they read, they socialize, they grocery shop, they have pets, and they do average and “normal” things. See, I’m not an exception, or an anomaly, I am like so many other people who experience symptoms every day but go about living a full life.

For all my complaints about social media, I think the benefits; I gain from it far out weight any criticism I have of it. If something can educate, comfort, support, and help you feel a sense of belonging and community,  that is not a bad thing. And it is all at my fingertips twenty-four hours a day – you can’t beat that, doctors and therapists don’t keep those hours, and I get every bit as much from social media without the office hours or co-pays.

 

 

 

Being Mentally Ill and the Holidays

27 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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It’s the holiday season. An exciting and enriching season for some, and for others, the most difficult time of the year.

For those of us with a mental illness, it can be hard for various reasons. Being alone, or being away from friends and family is only one possible problem. There are those of us with anxiety issues that can become worse during the hustle and bustle of holiday parties, shopping, crowds, etc. There are those who suffer from depression that can deepen this time of year. There are those of us (and we are many) who isolate, and that means that invitations to parties, gatherings, happy hours, and volunteer opportunities, etc. can create stress.

I happen to love the holidays, but things at my house look very different than anyone else I know. My husband and I used to travel to relative’s houses and go to big family parties that included cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, and the occasional friend. Now, we decline invitations to those family functions.

A day or two before Christmas we check into a hotel, and the only traditions we recognize are the sharing of Christmas stockings (I fill my husband’s Christmas stocking, and he fills mine). On Christmas day, we take a picture of ourselves by the ocean and post it to social media (if you follow me on social media you know this is highly unusual for me because I never take selfies and I am not one to post too many updates on what we are doing).

Not sharing the holidays with family has created a few hard feelings over the years, but my husband and I have become more comfortable with saying no to people and taking care of ourselves as the years have passed. I guess you could say we are more selfish now than we were the first ten years of our marriage, but selfish seems too harsh a word for something you do to avoid stress, negativity, anxiety, drama, etc.

I like the no expectations of our holidays. I don’t have to cook, or shop, or bring presents, or be involved in anyone’s drama. We celebrate a drama-free Christmas Southern California style, and I love it.

My advice to anyone who has difficulties with the holidays is to make choices that make you happy even if those choices don’t make everyone else happy. I am all for spending time with family and friends and sharing my life, time, etc. with other people, but I will no longer do that at the expense of my mental health and my husband won’t either.

So, I am sure that some people think we are Scrooge number one and Scrooge number two, but they can think that while we walk on the beach Christmas day sipping coffee, holding hands, and wearing sunglasses to keep things from being too bright.

A Difficult Day With My Constant Companion – Schizophrenia

20 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in mental illness, relationships, schizophenia, Uncategorized

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Besides being psychotic, one of the hardest parts of having schizophrenia for me is making plans to do something like go on a trip, go to brunch, attend a conference, start a job, or any other normal activity and then have those plans completely shattered by anxiety or paranoia.

I had a simple meeting with an advisor today, and ten minutes in, I walked out and left everyone sitting there. I couldn’t sit one more minute, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t sit still. I walked to our car; I tried to lay down and rest. I walked back to the office where my husband and two other people were talking, and I sat down for a few minutes, and then I excused myself. I walked to Starbucks, bought a banana, ate half of it, sat in one of the lobby chairs for a few minutes then joined the meeting again.

Seriously? I can’t hold it together long enough to have an hour-long meeting about a topic that directly impacts my life and well-being? If I weren’t so stressed out, I would cry. I ended up making it through the last fifteen minutes of the meeting, and I am home now where I had to take an extra dose of medication to settle down.

When I was younger, I had many more episodes of psychosis, and except those, I had a much easier time carrying on with the daily details of life. Now, I can have the best intentions, and I am unable to see through some of the simplest tasks.

It is so frustrating, humiliating, and discouraging to wake up, feel fine, and start going about the plans for the day then to feel overwhelmed by anxiety or paranoia (most often anxiety). A panic attack can strike anywhere at anytime no matter what your intentions are or how important what you are doing is.

I know that I am lucky that I can sort out my thoughts enough to write articles and essays, but that is only a small part of being a functioning adult – there is so much that needs to happen on a regular basis, and so often I am incapable of making that happen.

My husband has endless patience with me, but I do not have the same patience with myself.

Today, was rotten, and I am feeling a little sorry for myself for having to live with the symptoms of schizophrenia. I’ll get over it, but I need this minute – can everyone just give me this minute, please?

 

Low Energy Tips and Tricks for Looking Your Best on a Mental Health Day

13 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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There are days when all of us feel like washing our hair, brushing our teeth and putting on makeup is too much for our tired, anxious, or depressed body to do. There are days when getting out of bed seems almost impossible.  Since 1 in 4 Americans will have a mental illness in their lifetime, it is no joke to talk about mental health days. Of course, even people without an anxiety disorder, depression or some other form of mental illness, need a mental health day. In our work-centered society, taking a day off from the office, or passing on an important social engagement isn’t always possible even if we feel we need to do it to care for our selves. So, how do we get up, make ourselves presentable to go to work, or that party our boss invited us to, or that bridal shower for our bestie when we can’t imagine going through the process of “getting ready?”

The answer is in basics and statement pieces. These two things can become your go-to when you have to cut your daily hygiene or beauty routine short. Consider these tricks and tools to be your mental health beauty bag on those days when energy is at a low and apathy is at a high.

If you have trouble washing your hair on difficult days, you might find buying one of the many dry shampoos that are currently on the market to be a lifesaver. If you have long hair, you might be able to wear it in a simple braid or a ponytail or bun and pull off a fresh look. I recently cut my long hair into a no style (multiple different layer lengths) cut so even when I roll out of bed, my hair looks good (it feels like a whole new world).

On a good day, some people enjoy powder, foundation, blush, eyeliner, lipstick, and mascara. On a bad or low day, this can seem impossible to pull off. For my mental health days, I limit my make-up to two things, and I make them stand out. I have purple eyeliner and purple mascara in my mental health bag. (I tried blue lipstick, and with my fair complexion I looked horrible). Finding, your two stand-out pieces, might take some trial and error. But a great shade of lipstick (maybe not as drastic as blue) and a colored mascara can often be all you need for a pulled together look.

I know for many of us we could live in our yoga or sweatpants, but that doesn’t work as business attire in most offices. For statement pieces in my wardrobe on difficult days, I turn to one item of clothing that I love. It might be a blouse, a scarf, a pair of shoes, a skirt, or slacks. Just one item that I think is fashionable and that makes me feel good. I put on that item with whatever else makes me comfortable (comfort and low-effort are key). Remember this is your trick and toolkit for surviving and (putting on the face of thriving) on your hardest days.

That leads us to accessories. On a good day, I put on earrings, a necklace, several rings, a tennis bracelet or I grab a handful of bangles and mix and match them stylishly on my wrist. On a low or no energy day, I do the same with accessories as I do with my outfit. I pick one thing that I love, and that is unique (as in a one-of-a-kind piece from Etsy, or a farmer’s market). With my new short hairstyle, I usually pick big dangly earrings, but in the past, I frequently grabbed a necklace.

Then we get to brushing and flossing our teeth. I could offer you a mint, but other than that, on this one, you are on your own.

Writing as a Technique to Overcome Anxiety

01 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Either as a part of my schizophrenia or in addition to it, I have an anxiety disorder. I am someone who does not like to be excited or looking forward to anything. I can not tell the difference between excitement and anxiety. If something good happens and it will take a few days to manifest, I usually have a panic attack. Today was one of those days. I have an appointment next week that is excellent for me, but the news of that revved up my anxiety.

I try not to take extra medication when I am struggling with anxiety. I try to “power” through it. Today was no different; I did not want to take a pill to calm myself down. I tried exercising because sometimes that works. I tried calling my husband because that can work as well. Then I tried writing a blog, and before I knew it, I was absorbed in trying to figure out which word to type after the last one, and my anxiety was gone.

I wrote a whole blog. I like it, but it is about faith, and I don’t make it a habit of writing about anything religious or political on this blog, so I’m not going to post it. I am going to take a victory lap for finding a new way to deal with anxiety, and that is writing.

I have always known that writing is powerful and I have known for a long time that people use writing as therapy. I know many people who write to overcome trauma of one kind or another. It never occurred to me that the act of writing could change my thoughts though and get me from a bad spot to a good spot in less time than it takes medication to work.

I’ve never tried mindfulness, but I can only guess that writing works in much the same way as that – a person has to focus their thoughts on something other than the anxiety they are feeling. In mindfulness, it is the here and now and with writing, it is a whole complex set of thoughts that can take a person outside of self-focus. When I am writing, I ask myself, what am I trying to say? How am I trying to say it? How does this word follow that word, and so on. The act of writing seems to take up enough thought power to squeeze the anxious thoughts away.

I don’t know if it will work every time I have a panic attack, but I am hoping it does because I don’t like to depend on medication for every symptom I have. I like to try and deal with some symptoms by using techniques that complement my medication routine and not add to the number of pills I take.

 

Trying to Reverse the Damage of a Psychotic Episode

07 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Last night my husband and I were talking about the progression of my schizophrenia. When we lived in a suburb of Los Angeles, I went eight years without an episode. During that time, I worked full time at a university library and as a marketing coordinator for an architectural firm. I networked all the time and sat on boards for the city council. We traveled frequently, I met friends almost daily for exercise dates, and we had a very active social life. After we moved, I had a psychotic episode that lasted over six months. I have not fully recovered my level of functioning since that episode of psychosis.

Today, I have a hard time traveling (we used to go to Paris, traveled to Dubai, etc.) on an almost yearly basis. Now, I can barely go two hours from home without major preparation (I do travel to writing conferences in other states, but it is difficult and draining, but I feel it is necessary). Besides the difficulties of travel, I am more fearful and less social. I used to have a wide network of friends that I did all kinds of activities with, and that is no longer the case. I have a small group of friends now, and we get together a couple of times a month for brunch, a birthday, a baby shower, a happy hour (even though I don’t drink), or something like that. I can go days without seeing anyone but my husband and without leaving the house.

I have a lack of motivation for social interaction. Don’t get me wrong, I love people, but I just don’t have the drive and energy it takes to make “dates” happen. (I will say, I am starting to have more and more Skype appointments with writers who need support throughout the week, and I enjoy meeting on the computer and talking with people).

It’s the level of anxiousness and fear that I have now that has most impacted my life since that last big episode of psychosis. I am afraid of everything. I almost always think the worst. If my husband is late and hasn’t texted, I think he was hit by a car, or something equally as bad has happened. If I have a stomach ache (which I frequently do), I am afraid that my diverticulitis is infected again and that I will have to go to the emergency room. This fear is my life and invades my days, and I want to do something about it.

I try positive thinking and gratitude lists, and all the obvious things and they work, they do, but my fear is still crowding out positive life experiences. So, I am going to try and experiment. I am going to do something that I am extremely afraid of (heights), and see if I can put some confidence and sense of accomplishment back in my life. In short, I am going to see if I can overcome some of my anxiousness and fear.

What am I going to do? I am going to try rock climbing. No, I’m not going to attempt the face of some jutting rock formation in Yosemite, I am going to go and have two lessons at a rock climbing wall. I know, it sounds simple, and it sounds easy, but for me, being even two feet above the ground will be terrifying. I think the climbing wall will work every muscle in my body and will make me tired physically, and that will be great for sleeping and relaxing. If I am successful, I am sure that it will build my self-confidence, and if I like it, and decide to continue, it will build my body strength which will also help with the side effects of my medication (weight gain, high cholesterol, high sugar, etc.). There is so much to gain, and nothing to lose but fear and anxiety.

Climb on my friends, climb on!

A Dream to be Fearless

24 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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Suffering. I suffer. You suffer. We all suffer. An illness. A loss. Hunger. No shelter. Bombs. Loneliness.

I frequently say, “Why can’t suffering be doled out equally?” Like if you have a severe mental illness you don’t also get a chronic physical illness, or if you lose your child, you don’t also lose a spouse. The world doesn’t work that way, though. And you can’t equate the loss of a child, or war, or starvation to schizophrenia. Suffering is not equal.

My diagnosis of diverticulitis almost two weeks ago, made me momentarily think that I shouldn’t have to deal with physical illnesses and a severe mental illness, too. For a short period, I felt bitter and sorry for myself.

I don’t like feeling bitter, or sorry for myself. Bitterness and self-pity do not suit me or feel right for any length of time, but beyond these feelings is an even more destructive force: fear.

Feelings don’t just fly away. There are times when we need to work to get our feelings on track (I certainly don’t mean you can think your way out of a mental illness, only that you can think your way out of some feelings both negative and positive).

So, I need to find a way back. A way to put my troubles in perspective, lighten my mind, heart, and soul. What I want to be is fearless.

When I was in the emergency room at the hospital, anxiety overcame me. My pulse rate was well above 100. I have felt that same anxiousness since that time. I am hyper concerned about the diverticulitis acting up again and sending me back to the hospital. During this time, I have had back problems for two months. I can lay down and stand up, but I can’t sit. I even stand at restaurants to eat (we haven’t gone out much lately). I am standing while typing this.

But back to fearless. I don’t want to be anxious or afraid anymore. I want to develop a skin of steel. Going to the doctor and hospital terrifies me. I want to overcome that. I want to be strong and brave and courageous. I want to laugh in the doctor’s office and make them laugh, too. I want to whistle no matter what the diagnosis or outcome. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to be concerned.

Concern, anxiety, fear and worry have taken over my life these last two months. I have stopped doing the things that bring me joy because I feel an ache here and pain there and the worry begins. I am concerned by every bite of food I put in my mouth, thinking it may cause another infection in my intestines. I fear sitting down because it can cause my back to hurt for hours or even days.

I know it will take small steps to get me back to the laughter I so frequently enjoy. I know it will take time removed from these illnesses and pains to help my mind heal from their impact. I know all of this, and yet, today, I am going to get out of the house, experience a little living, get on with things.

Today, I step out, slowly, surely, and purposefully. I am re-entering the world. I miss my joy, and I want it back. I may never be completely fearless like I dream and desire, but I’m moving toward that goal – one toe out front – the rest of me is not far behind.