Tag Archives: bipolar

My Illness is not so Different From Your Illness

25 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I don’t know ninety percent of my friends on social media in real life. I can tell you that I have watched some of their children grow from birth to toddler. I have seen them adopt puppies and cats, and I have frequently read about the loss of a loved one. I don’t know most of the people on my “friend’s list,” but I would recognize them at a writer’s conference (which frequently happens) or in a workshop.
All that is to say, I read what people are posting, and I have been for years, and the level of comfort that most people toss out about anxiety and depression is amazing. It seems like the majority of people I connect with on social media have a diagnosed anxiety disorder or depressive disorder, or they have diagnosed themselves.
In the circles I am a part of it is perfectly natural and well accepted to discuss social anxiety and panic attacks, it is a little less prevalent to discuss depression, but I still see a post about it almost every day. The way people toss out these two disorders has always left me wondering if people are “claiming” them or if they are taking medication for them? If everyone who is posting about social anxiety and panic attacks or depression is being treated for those disorders then the statistics on mental illness are far from accurate – it is a crisis.
I suspect that not everyone who uses the phrase “panic attack” actually means that their heart was racing, they thought they were going to die and thought about going to the emergency room. I also suspect that not everyone who uses the word depression to describe their mood has trouble with daily activities like showering and brushing their teeth. Please, don’t get me wrong, I know that many people suffer and suffer quite silently or we wouldn’t lose famous people to suicide and drug overdoses as often as we do. I simply think that phrases and words like panic attack, depression, social anxiety are incorrectly and way overused.
The point, I want to make though, is can you ever imagine a time when people (lots of them) would casually throw out that they have schizophrenia? No, you can’t. Schizophrenia is like crossing a line. Depression is acceptable, anxiety is acceptable and isn’t that bipolar disorder the one that makes you so creative? I am so tired of reading people’s essays, and books where they say, “At least I don’t have schizophrenia.” Well, an article came out today (link here) that claims that research shows that ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders share a lot of similarities genetically.
I’ll be waiting for the day when people are also self-diagnosing themselves with schizophrenia the way I suspect some of them do with anxiety and depression, and that schizophrenia is openly talked about, acceptable, and almost the cool thing to be. If current attitudes are any indication, I will probably be waiting a long time, but still, I will be waiting.

Mental Illness (Brain Diseases) in the News

06 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Over the past two weeks, the public learned of three celebrities who are, or were, living with bipolar disorder, and rather than the media using this as the perfect time to educate people about mental illness, the cause of it, the symptoms of it, the available treatment options, many people fell back on stigma.
Many people questioned how Kate Spade could be so selfish as to take her life when she would be leaving behind a daughter, and I read a lot of misunderstanding about her “having everything.” These statements assume that Kate Spade was in her “right mind.”
Depression is not only the thief of joy it is a liar. Depression tells many people that their loved ones would be better off without them. Depression is more than just a feeling that a jog, trip to the spa, or a lunch with friends, can help someone overcome. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not weakness, just like schizophrenia, it is a brain disease.
I heard a report that Kate had been self-medicating with alcohol for some years and that she didn’t feel like she could get help because of the impact that attention would have on her brand. That is the stigma, and it costs us the lives of people. The tragedy that ended Kate’s life might have been different if we were more educated, accepting, and open about the realities of mental illness.
On the other end of this, is Kayne West admitting that at 39 he received the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and that bipolar disorder is his superpower. I don’t know the details of Kayne’s illness, but I do know what romanticizing mental illness is and what it sounds like and that is what Kayne is doing. Having received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my twenties, the first thing I did was to read about all the “creative geniuses” who have and had it.
I thought that my creativity was a symptom of bipolar disorder. All these years later, and with a diagnosis of schizophrenia now, I don’t believe my creativity comes from my illness. I think I would have been far more successful in this life if I didn’t have to manage and deal with a brain disease – it impacts me every day, and it is disruptive and hinders me from my full potential.
Then there was Rosanne Barr and her racist tweet. I am sorry that Roseanne Barr has bipolar disorder, I am sorry for every single person, famous, or homeless (it doesn’t matter) who has to deal with the consequences of a brain disease, but Rosanne made mental illness look like a character flaw. Being bipolar doesn’t excuse racism, and it doesn’t create it either. Bipolar disorder can hinder impulse control, cause disordered thinking, cause delusions or strange beliefs, but a diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean you will be a racist – that has to do with character and personality and isn’t a symptom I have heard of regarding any mental illness.
I don’t know everything about mental illness, statistics and my experience are all I have to form conclusions. I do know that when mental illness is in the news this much that the media rarely helps us out with educational and stigma-busting information.

 

Untie the Myths: Shootings and Mental Illness do not go Hand in Hand

19 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by in caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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In the weeks since the school shooting in Florida at Stoneman Douglas, we are once again talking about mental health and the treatment of people with mental illness. President Trump has called for more mental institutions, as one of his solutions to the problem of mass shootings. And last week, Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, said that communities need to have the option of involuntarily committing mentally ill people to reduce crime.

As someone with paranoid schizophrenia, who could be impacted by sweeping law and policy changes, what do I think about these two powerful men and their statements? I think they are both right in their proposals, but the information or assertions that lead to these proposals are inaccurate, based on faulty reasoning, reactionary, and wrong.

President Trump is correct that we need more long-term psychiatric beds in every state in the union. According to The Treatment Advocacy Center in 1955, there were 558,239 psychiatric beds in the United States, and as of 2016, there were 37,679. What does this mean? It means people who are experiencing a mental health crisis may not find a bed, or they may go on a waiting list that has them waiting as long as a month or more for the type of treatment they need.

Attorney General Jeff Session is correct that we need a better system to get people into hospitals. Under the current system, a person must be a danger to themselves or others to be involuntarily committed. As someone who has been psychotic, and in need of treatment that I did not trust (due to paranoia), and I lacked insight into my condition based on a symptom called anosognosia. An involuntary commitment would have helped me get the treatment I needed much faster. When someone is psychotic the length of time that they are psychotic matters regarding recovery, treatment, and the likelihood of future episodes. In other words, the sooner someone gets treatment, the better.

So, all is well in Washington DC regarding attitudes towards mental health? Right? Wrong. The fact that a mass shooting led to these proposals is troubling at the least and harmful at worst. The statistics do not back up either one of these responses to gun violence. According to the American Mental Health Counselors Association, only 3 to 5 percent of all violence (including firearm violence) is tied to severe mental illness. In the same article, on their website, AMHCA reports that people with severe mental illness are twelve times more likely to be the victims of violence (including firearm violence) than the general population.

It is easy to blame the mentally ill it is a simple and clean and for most people, perfectly sensible cause of violence. But it isn’t truthful, and the number of people those myths hurt is on the rise every year. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) one if five American adults will experience a mental illness, and ten million adults in America live with a serious mental illness. So, are these repeated stereotypes about mental illness and violence hurting someone? Yes, they are hurting a large portion of the adult population in America. They are keeping people from treatment (don’t want to admit I have a mental illness) and keeping people from jobs (people don’t want to hire someone who they believe (although inaccurately) is prone to violence).

We need solutions to mass shootings in America. We also need solutions to mental health in America, but the two things are a separate conversation and tying them together destroys life and productivity; it costs our society and individuals way too much. It’s time to get serious and untie the myths so we can make room for change.

 

 

Publicizing Pain

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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This morning my husband handed me a copy of the February 12th issue of Time magazine that he had opened to a story. “Read this and let me know what you think,” he said. The title of the article is, “Her Mother’s Mind.” It is about a photographer, Melissa Spitz and the pictures she takes of her mother and posts on Instagram (apparently she has over 14,000 followers). Melissa’s mother has the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and substance abuse.  Melissa has posted over 6,000 pictures of her mother online, the account is called, “You Have Nothing to Worry About.”

I haven’t seen the Instagram account, but I assume Time magazine tried to pick some of the pictures they thought were representative of the project. There are six photographs in total. The largest photo is the photographer in the mirror with her mother. Her mother has clips and rollers in her hair and is putting something on her bare face (lotion, or something). The photographer is slightly in the background with her camera. Two of the pictures are of Deborah (Melissa’s mother) smoking – one in a car and one in a chair with a blanket full of what I can only assume are cigarette burns.

Let me just say that I hate this project. I find it exploitive in every way. First, I think Deborah looks like an average woman; except one image where she is in what appears to be a hospital bed with her arms stretched toward the ceiling. People can disagree with me on this, and I’m sure some do, but I think this is the worst form of sensationalizing mental illness. I had some pictures of me when I was psychotic, and they haunt me. I look lost, I look far away, and I look ill. Is that how I look today? No. Would I want those pictures posted online for everyone to see what a “crazy” woman looks like? No.

The article says that Deborah occasionally asks Melissa if the photographs are really helping people and Melissa tells her yes.  There is a quote in the article from Melissa, “This is my way of coping, of making art out of chaos.” It sounds to me like the project has more to do with the photographer and her wants, dreams, desires, etc. than it does with Deborah whose most vulnerable and intimate states are made public.

 

When the Bad News Turns Hopeful

02 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I have a picture on my desk of my husband and me in Paris. My husband’s hair was long and is standing on end because of the wind. He is wearing a black winter jacket, and I am wearing a pink one. We have our arms around each other, and we are smiling. I love this photograph taken almost thirteen years ago. It was taken at a time when we still thought I had bipolar disorder.

Our lives would change so much with the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, and I’m not sure of all the reasons why. I never had issues with anxiety back then, and I certainly didn’t have to take medication to relieve it on a daily basis. In fact, I took a very small dose of an antipsychotic and that kept me relatively symptom-free for seven years.

Now, I take an antipsychotic and an anti-anxiety medication. My doses are higher, as well. I know that the symptoms of schizophrenia can change over time, and I am sure that is part of my issue, but I think the biggest part of my problem (except the added anxiety) is the way we lived with and dealt with my mental illness when we thought I had bipolar disorder.

This whole thing just occurred to me today, and I think I am right about some of it. The symptoms I know that have gotten worse as I’ve aged are anxiety, a lack of motivation, and the desire to isolate socially. I can’t deny or change that these things have become increasingly prevalent in my life and have impacted my quality of life. But those things alone are not enough to account for all the changes in my lifestyle since the picture in Paris was taken.

I think the actual diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia has changed the way my husband and I live and responds and take care of my illness. The last time I was psychotic was so traumatic for both my husband and I that I think both of us would do anything not to go through a similar episode (it lasted six months and almost led to our divorce). I was on the verge of losing everything I care about during my last episode. It was not only frightening to be psychotic and eventually suicidal, the real world consequences (outside of my brain) were significant. I know my husband feels the same way. My last episode was heart-wrenching and terrifying for him as well, and like I said it lasted six months. Six months is a long time to deal with something painful and scary.

I haven’t talked to my doctor about it, but I will the next time I see him, but I am wondering if my husband and I have a form of PTSD caused by my last episode of psychosis. It may sound like an over-reach to call it PTSD, but I am serious. During my last psychotic episode, I left home. My husband was able to track me from my credit card but could never quite catch up to me. I eventually came home, and when I did, I thought I wanted to get a divorce. My husband believed that we were in the process of separating from one another. Then for the next six months, we lived together with me actively trying to untie our finances from one another and talking to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (I wasn’t praying, I heard voices).

It was after that last psychotic episode that I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My husband and I didn’t know any more than most people about what paranoid schizophrenia is, what it meant for me or us as a couple, the symptoms, etc. All we knew was that the doctor who diagnosed me considered it “bad news,” Because that is how she told me, “I have some bad news for you…”  And my husband and I have considered it “bad news” ever since. Not the worst news, not horrible news, but bad news.

So, considering the emotional trauma of those six months and the way the doctor presented my new diagnosis to me, is it any wonder that my husband and I go to great lengths to keep me from having another break? No. It is no surprise. The thought of another break is terrifying to both of us and threatens the life we have built together. So, I think we have gone overboard on keeping me from feeling stress both emotional and physical.

In other words, I think I am stronger than either of us know. And this realization is going to change the way I live my life from this day forward.

 

 

Broadening the Narrative of Severe Mental Illness

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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*I am not referring to the horrible and tragic stories where family members have tried again and again to get a loved one help and have been unsuccessful (those stories need to be told over and over until we can change the system).

It seems remarkable to me that there is still stigma and stereotypes that are so prevalent surrounding mental illness. I feel like everywhere I turn someone is writing a memoir, essay or novel with a mentally ill character. The most common stories involve a child of a mentally ill parent or a parent of a mentally ill child. The stories an adult child of a mentally ill parent can tell are very different than the stories someone can tell about themselves. The same is also true when parents write about their children.

I understand how scary a mentally ill parent’s episode of psychosis can be to a child. I also understand the grief associated with having a child go from one level of functioning to another, but somehow other stories need to be told as well. I’m not saying these stories aren’t important or true, only that they seem to be the most common narrative. Many of them lack originality and don’t further our understanding of the range of what people with a severe mental illness are capable of doing, being, contributing.

I know with mental illness comes pain, sorrow, suffering. I know that those things do not just visit the person with the illness. I know these stories can interest a reader, but I think we need to advocate for and support writers who have a severe mental illness and help them tell their stories whenever we can (if you love someone with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, please encourage them to write). Even with the surge of writers brought on by the Internet and digital culture, I feel like there still aren’t enough people who have a severe mental illness telling their stories, what their lives are like and their successes, dreams, etc.

It’s frustrating that editors seem to either love the “feel good story” or the “sensational story.” When I say a “feel good story,” I mean that I or someone else is an inspiration to others rather than just a common person doing their thing. When I say “sensational,” I mean that the editor wants me to include the details of hallucinations, delusions, etc. even though that isn’t always a huge part of having schizophrenia. It is the worst part, I will admit, but not always the most frequent symptoms especially if the person is on antipsychotics and isn’t medication resistant.

I will do my part to get more stories out there. If you have a unique story, or your loved one has a unique story, I will share resources with you to help get you/them published. We can either communicate via Skype or e-mail. Hit me up; I’ll help if I can. Let’s change this narrative and give a broader perspective of severe mental illness.

Schizophrenia and Establishing Relationships

24 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in bipolar, hope, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I have read many blogs and books by people with schizophrenia, and many of the writers express a desire to date and eventually get married. Unlike me, there are many people with schizophrenia who live in hiding (not disclosing their illness for fear of the consequences), and many of those people are married. I assume their spouses must know of their illness even if most people in their lives don’t.

On the other hand, I am open about my schizophrenia, and I am married, but it may not be like someone would assume. I was married early in my twenties and divorced before my first psychotic break. I don’t think my first husband would have stayed with me and worked with me if he had experienced my illness. (I say this not knowing for certain because he never had that opportunity, chance, test, whatever it is someone would call it).

I met my second husband after my first psychotic break, but at that time my diagnosis was bipolar disorder. If we had both known at the time that my true illness was paranoid schizophrenia, would we have made it to our wedding? I don’t know. I can’t say. I wasn’t diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia until I was in my early forties. By the time I had the correct diagnosis my husband, and I had been together for at least ten years.

During ten years of marriage, my husband had grown to know a lot about me. The diagnosis of schizophrenia came as a shock to us, and I suppose it could have caused some people to throw their relationship away, but not us. When I received my diagnosis, I had just started to recover from a six-month episode of psychosis. Our marriage was on wobbly ground during that period. I thought during that time that I wanted a divorce. My husband thought that is where we would end up – in front of a judge with a no-fault divorce.

Once I was on medication and started to return to my old self, my husband started to heal from the injuries I caused him during my psychosis, and he started to understand the difference between schizophrenia and me. I am one person when I am on the right medication and someone quite different when I slip into psychosis. This period is where I find my husband to be remarkable. Not while we were dating and thought I had bipolar disorder, but when he had lived with me as someone who was psychotic for six-moths and received no love, or understanding, or connection from me, and then, when I recovered, he stayed and helped me rebuild my life.

Even though my husband and I had a whole history together before discovering I had schizophrenia, I think it is possible for people to find a lifelong partner if they already know that they have schizophrenia before meeting their potential mate. I think having the opportunity to get to know each other is the critical step in the process. Two people need to have some feelings and history together to be able to navigate and process a diagnosis of severe mental illness.

I think the same is true for making new friends. If those of us with schizophrenia let people get to know us a little bit before we tell them our diagnosis, then they will have already developed their impression of us, and first impressions are powerful. Many people meet me, and they know about my schizophrenia before even shaking my hand because other people have told them and many saw an article about me in People Magazine a couple of years ago.

I would prefer that people get to know me before they know my diagnosis, but I don’t always have control of that. I think if you do have control over when and where to tell someone about your illness that it is beneficial to wait until they see who and how you are so that stereotypes and stigma don’t overpower their decision to stay in a relationship.

Everything that is possible for people without schizophrenia is possible for people with schizophrenia we just have to be more creative to make some things work.

 

Stigma, it Gets in Our Hearts and in Our Heads

17 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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The worst thing I have seen when it comes to the treatment of the mentally ill was the video of the Fullerton police beating Kelly Thomas on July 10, 2011. I am not going to post the video here. It is so violent and so disturbing it could cause some people emotional distress to watch it. Kelly had schizophrenia, and the beating resulted in his death.

Last week we had the video (again, I’m not going to post it although it is not violent, but upsetting) of the woman with bipolar disorder left outside of a Baltimore hospital with a hospital gown on in freezing weather. Articles came out discussing the lack of humanity in healthcare.

But who is it that the police and the healthcare system get caught on camera mistreating? The majority of the time, it is someone with a mental illness. Why is it so hard to see our humanity? Why once again are we reading about hospitals “dumping” the mentally ill off at bus stations with a one-way ticket? When those people “dumped” get to their destination, they have no contacts, no family, no way to get the medication and treatment they need. If I were in that situation, I would be as vulnerable as a lost child in an unknown city. Why can’t people say to themselves, “what if this were my mom, aunt, dad, uncle, cousin, sister, brother?”

Why is it so hard for some people to feel compassion and empathy for the mentally ill?

I recently read a study put out in 2008 by the Canadian Medical Association that found that one in four Canadians are fearful of being around someone with a serious mental illness. I saw another study (Canadian) circulating on Facebook (I can’t find it now, so I won’t be able to quote it exactly) that claimed a high percentage of people wouldn’t be friends with someone with a severe mental illness.

I have to ask myself what is serious and what is severe? I frequently read from parents who have a child with schizophrenia that it is “every parent’s nightmare.” I also frequently read that it is the most “dreaded diagnosis.”

How am I supposed to keep my head up or fight the urge to isolate or my lack of motivation (both symptoms of schizophrenia) if people aren’t going to see me as a valuable member of society or as their friend, or even as a fellow human with wants, dreams, desires, etc.?

Sure, you can tell me, it is getting better, those studies were conducted a decade ago, but is it? If those needing treatment the most are “dumped” at bus stations so that they can become “someone else’s problem.” Is that better?

I know, you can tell me, “You are different, Rebecca. You are married. You have a family. You have friends.” But it is precisely those things that I have (a support network) that keep me from being issued one of those bus tickets.

I never want to be a passenger on a bus to a city I don’t know. I never want to be in that bus seat as that passenger, but in a way, I travel with all of those victims because it is our diagnosis that others are responding to and I have that “dreaded diagnosis,” too.

Stigma, it gets in our hearts and in our heads.

Rambling About Stigma

21 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I am working on an essay about stigma, and I hope to place it in an online magazine. Working on the essay, got me thinking about the word, stigma and how we use it. Stigma is a word I see used over and over again. I mostly see it in the addiction and mental illness circles. It is a word that gets thrown around a lot and not always in the correct way. So, what does stigma mean?

The definition given when you type “stigma definition” into Google, is “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” It helps to read the synonyms which are: shame, disgrace, and dishonor, among other less common words.

So, most of us would agree there is a stigma around having a mental illness. What does that mean? Those of us with a mental illness have the “mark of disgrace.” It doesn’t mean that when you do something annoying and people call you out on it, that they are stigmatizing you. It also doesn’t mean that when people don’t like you (based on your behavior) that they are stigmatizing you. But if they are doing these things because of your mental illness, and because they believe you are a disgrace due to your mental illness, then yes, that is stigmatizing you.

I know it seems simple to talk about this, but I see people use their mental illness as an excuse and defense in almost every circumstance. It is one of my goals to point out what is and what isn’t a mental illness. I wrote the other day about the issue of flawed character vs. mental illness. Many of us with a mental illness are kind, compassionate, giving, loving, creative, honest, loyal, etc. In other words, we have a strong character. There are many people without a mental illness that are selfish, mean, dishonest, rude, and hurtful. (In my post I used the example of the people who didn’t bring Christmas gifts, but took a gift from the gift exchange even though it meant others who had followed the rules would go without a Christmas gift).  I wouldn’t leave someone without a gift, and I have schizophrenia. I know right from wrong except when I am psychotic which is a whole different world and category.

So, I bring up the word stigma because I see people claim that others are stigmatizing them when it doesn’t appear to be the case. Don’t get me wrong, stigma is real and grows thick especially when you have “the most dreaded of all the mental illnesses.” (I have seen that quote written just that way by three successful authors now. And it doesn’t slip past me, that the quote contains its kind of stigma.) Those of us with schizophrenia are put at the bottom of the rung – having the illness that is the “most dreaded.” What do you think it is like to have schizophrenia and read that quote over and over again by highly educated people? I will tell you what it is like, but that is in my essay. I will post a link to it if I get it published.

Stay tuned, for more on stigma.

Character and Mental Illness are not the Same Thing

18 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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At my last job, several years ago, I was invited to attend a Christmas party at a different organization. The party was at a hotel, and the invitation instructed each person to bring a gift. I love cookie exchanges, gift exchanges, white elephants and all of the various exchanges that happen during the holidays. The excitement of getting a surprise gift is something I love.

At the party, I was representing the company I worked for, and the event would be an opportunity to network with many other professionals from all areas of senior services and care. I wanted to make a good impression, so I bought a new outfit – gray pants and a nice white shirt with an in-style ruffle up the front. And I put together a basket including wine for the gift exchange.

When I arrived at the hotel, I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, but I asked at the front desk, and they gave me directions to the conference room. I was told to leave my package, the basket, at a table before entering the room. I was given a number in exchange for my gift and the woman behind the table told me that when my number got pulled from a bowl, I would receive a gift.

The conference room was decorated nicely with poinsettias and a Christmas tree. We were fed lunch. The entree was chicken (I don’t eat chicken), but everything else was nice. I listened to the presentations and met and talked with several people there, but during the whole event, I was excited every time I would look over at all the gifts on the gift table that was barely visible outside the conference room.

The party was winding down, and it was time for the gift giveaway. One woman held up a package that looked like a coffee mug filled with goodies, and another person drew a number out of the bowl. The person with that number let out a whoop and walked up to pick up their gift. They called out the next number, and the gift was a massage at a local spa. Again, they drew a number and the person with that number, yelled out, “That’s mine!” and walked up to receive the gift certificate. They went through each gift that way until there were only a couple left. I kept eyeing the gifts and thinking, “I would like that one, I hope it is that one!” Finally, they were down to the last gift, so I knew it was going to be mine. They called the number, and it didn’t match the number on the piece of paper I had. Someone in the back screamed and trotted up to pick up their gift.

The women announced that the gift giving was all over. I went to one of the women and said, “I brought a gift, but you didn’t call my number.” “Oh well,” one of the women said. There were a couple of other people whose numbers didn’t get called as well. Maybe two others. So, the women handing out numbers at the table gave numbers to people who didn’t bring gifts. Those people who didn’t bring a gift knew that they would be receiving someone else’s gift and that there wouldn’t be enough.

I was so disappointed because I love games. I love auctions, and gift exchanges, contests, and all manner of things like that. I tried not to dwell on the fact that people who cheat the system can receive a reward while others, who play by the rules, lose out.

Although I have never been the type of person to cheat out others, I vowed again that day to be generous, not to be selfish and try not to have people experience the world as unfair or negative because of my actions.

Now, if someone is going to be left out of a game, prize, or event, I choose to be the one on the outs, because  I remember how awful it felt to play by the rules and wait in anticipation for something that never came.