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Ringing in the New Year

01 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

blood pressure, brain disease, health, hope, medication, mental health, mental illness, new year, New Year's Eve, party, schizophrenia], wellness, wish

My husband and I were flipping through New Year’s Eve shows last night, and we missed the ball dropping in New York because at that very moment we were reading my blood pressure and pulse because the doctor asked me to monitor my numbers at home. (My anxiety disorder is on full display whenever I visit the doctor’s office, and my pulse usually registers somewhere around 120 plus so I was asked to take my vitals at home to make sure that I wasn’t always running that high).

The good news is that at midnight, East Coast time as the ball was dropping my blood pressure was 117 over 72, and my pulse rate was 75. Those are great numbers for me. That is the lowest I can remember my pulse being since I started monitoring it.

If I were superstitious, I would be concerned about the meaning of missing a New Year’s Eve tradition because I was monitoring my vitals, worrying a little bit about the quality of my health for the next year. I’m not superstitious though, but I do try to think positively and choose to see it that health will be a priority for me in 2019. I wish I could say that wellness will be the benefit and result of my efforts, but as all of us with chronic illness know too well is that even our best efforts are no guarantee of a good or great outcome.

I will say that it’s not just my blood pressure and pulse that I hope remain in healthy territory this year. I hope this is a year of health for all of us – you as well as me. You as well. Me as well. Try reading those last two statements again. They have a nice healthy ring to them, don’t they?

Happy Happy New Year!

 

Can Anything Good Come From Chronic Illness? Yes, for Some, Perspective

23 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, chrnoic illness, diabetes, diet, exercise, gratitude, health, hope, medication, mental health, mental illness, schizophrenia], thankfulness, wellness

I received an updated diagnosis from my psychiatrist. My current diagnosis is Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also have diverticulitis and have had to change my diet over the last two years to avoid surgery. I am going through perimenopause and have hot flashes and disturbed sleep. Lastly, I have masses that keep forming in my breasts that require testing, and for one year, I thought I had breast cancer (each time I have a new mass that is a possibility). This list doesn’t even cover the side effects of antipsychotic medication which are high cholesterol, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and possible liver damage to name a few.

When I read that paragraph and think of all I do to try to live a healthy life, health for me is a full-time job. How much I sleep, and when and what I eat, how regularly I use the bathroom. Then there is making sure I exercise, making regular doctor appointments, having my blood checked regularly, getting mammograms every six months (or sooner if a mass grows), taking my medications twice a day, learning mindfulness exercises, and writing in guided journals that address happiness, gratitude, spirituality, health, etc. I am sure I am leaving out many details of care here.

I don’t believe that everyone can make all the changes and do all the things I do to remain healthy, and I don’t believe everyone, even if they did all these things, would be healthy (I’m not 100% healthy, some of my numbers are borderline). I’m not blaming people who have worse outcomes than me, for their level of illness – not at all. I think people can do everything right and still end up with psychosis, diabetes, cancer, surgery from diverticulitis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and many other illnesses. No one is immune from illness or poor health even though so many people would like to believe that it is all in their control because it makes them feel safe.

All I am trying to show by writing down what I deal with is that it isn’t easy to manage schizophrenia, or generalized anxiety or any health issue. Having to watch everything you eat, and having to eat at certain times, trying to get exercise most days, all of that stuff is hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if many people, especially those experiencing so many of the symptoms of mental illness (like depression, lack of motivation, etc.), are incapable of doing all or even half of the things necessary.

There is something else, though. In my latest note from my psychiatrist, he said, “Rebecca has wonderful skills and a positive attitude.” I almost cried when I read that. And I know it is true because despite how hard it is to try to stay well, I am so happy that I get this chance. I am so thankful, grateful, and in awe that I am alive.

On bad days, I feel a little sorry for myself, but most days, most days, I am full of gratitude to see the moon, the stars, feel the breeze and to know what it is like to be loved, and that is just the beginning of my thankfulness. I am thankful that I have food on the table, that I know how to read and write, and that I can come up with ideas to share with people. I could go on for pages, and pages and days and days about the things and people I am grateful to have in my life.

Is chronic schizophrenia hard to live with? Yes, all illness is hard to live with, but is my life worth living, and something I want to continue until I am old and gray (well, I am already almost all gray)? Yes. I want to see thirty more summers, thirty more winters, thirty more falls, and spring, yes, spring!

It’s hard. It’s tough. It’s demanding. It is difficult. But it is beautiful beyond measure and I wouldn’t change my life with anyone because no one is immune from hardship. It is my life, and I believe I only get one, so I will gladly live it, illness and all.

Anxiety Around Doctors

23 Wednesday Sep 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

anxiety, blood pressure, coffee, doctors, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, nervous, paranoid schizophrenia, psychiatrist, psychology, schizophrenia, weight

I hate going to the doctor. Two weeks before my visit, I start to plan for it. The day before my appointment, I can’t get it off my mind.

My blood pressure goes way up when I visit the doctor and I hate to be weighed. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist has his office in the same place as my primary care physician and the nurses prep me in the same way to see my psychiatrist (blood pressure, temperature, weight) as they do when I go to see my other doctor.

I asked my psychiatrist if he had a clinic where I could see him away from my primary care physician’s office. I wanted somewhere to go where I didn’t associate seeing my psychiatrist with going to the doctor. I don’t like to be in the same place where I get some very uncomfortable annual tests and check-ups performed. I don’t want that level of anxiety about my psychiatrist because our relationship requires more openness and trust. He said he didn’t have an office that wasn’t a part of a group of doctors.

The last time I went to see my psychiatrist I refused to let the nurses take my vitals. I told them I was there for medication management. They were fine with that.

My psychiatrist said many people suffer from anxiety around going to the doctor. He said he gets nervous going to his doctor too. I’m not one for changing psychiatrists though. I like to build a relationship over many years not hop from one to another so it looks like I have to deal with his office arrangements.

In four hours from now, the appointment will be all over and I can get back to thinking about my writing, reading and social media. In other words, I can get on with my life and day – until the next time I have to go to the doctor (or dentist) then my whole week will be disrupted by anxiety.

I wish the whole arrangement was more casual. I wish my psychiatrist made house calls or kept office hours at a coffee shop.

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