Tag Archives: courage

Does it Scare You When I am Just Like You?

07 Saturday Apr 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Undeniably, there are times when I need special accommodations for my illness. There are times when I need people to be aware of the fact that I have schizophrenia and either help me out or give me the space to try and help myself. But there are those glorious times when I am not fragile, I am fierce and tough, and intelligent, and funny and I don’t need any special attention or care.

It is the space where I don’t need anything more than to be treated like any other human being that I live for and love. It is those people who treat me as if I belong, as if I’m not different, as if I won’t break or fall apart, or as if I am not fragile or needy or imperfect who makes me feel the healthiest, the happiest, the most energized, strong and capable. They help me in my healing and help me to become more and more of myself.

I have several people in my life who treat me this way both friends and family. I had an experience with a relatively new friend though, that was the epitome of empowering and normalizing and badassery.

I have a writing buddy who I have been talking to on Skype every Wednesday for months. We talk about our writing, share resources, occasionally read each other’s work, take classes together, and basically bolster each other up and along with our writing goals. She wanted to come out to California and see me. My husband was going to Miami to see his mother for a week, and he never leaves me alone.

My writing buddy, knowing about the fact that I have schizophrenia and that my husband doesn’t want to leave me alone for a week, offered to come and stay with me. She has never been to my house. We have never met in person. She planned on staying ten (which could have been long) days. And, the biggest part of this is my having schizophrenia didn’t scare her. Her coming across the country to stay with an almost stranger who she knows has schizophrenia is gutsy, brave, and speaks volumes about her as a person.

She obviously houses no stereotypes about my illness. She obviously expected things to go and be okay. She was not afraid; she was not reluctant. She just did it, and it was productive and fun. We were creative, talkative, ate good food, walked in the park, saw museums, and shared writing, writing, writing. We developed a morning routine together and worked well while we were both in the same room. We were two women together who love our art and are friends. We shared our passion, and we established our relationship.

I got to put my identities writer and friend before my identity as someone with schizophrenia. I got to be normal for ten days. I got to be a creative woman who loves words and can be a good friend.

I got to show someone my neighborhood, my home, myself and it went well, and I was well. And that is so much, so very much, it is a piece and a part of everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ramblings About Identity, Brand, Courage and Fear

28 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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My husband told me that when he was in college, many of the architecture students would dress in black turtlenecks, and black pants. It was what students wore to look like architects. Many people that are poets and artists do the same thing, they try and develop a “look” so everyone will know their preferred identity as an artist.

On social media, people frequently try to “brand” themselves. I think this is quite successful if done intentionally or not. I know if you showed me a hundred posts written on social media there are several dozen people who, without any identifying information, I would know because of the way they said something or the words they used to say it. Some people who I have followed for years just have their own style of writing.

I don’t have a unique style on social media. I post other writer’s books. I post other writer’s articles. I post workshops and classes put on by writers. I sometimes will post a call for submissions, writing contest, or a residency. So many times I have posted something political, either something that outraged me or an article I read on an online news source, only to take it down within a few minutes to an hour later. A few years ago, I posted much more personal stuff on social media (I can tell by the memories that Facebook shows me on a daily basis), but I stopped that when I started using social media as a networking tool.

I know why I am willing to write my inner life and daily happenings on a blog but not on social media. I am afraid of the “call out culture” on social media, and what people will think, do, or say. I have strong opinions on most of the things happening in our society right now. I have strong opinions about politics, about disability, about the use of the word, “schizophrenic” (which I happen to see far too often). I have strong opinions about a lot of things, but I am not willing to fight and take heat for those opinions. I know it sounds like I am a coward, but it has to do with schizophrenia.

Making enemies (which seems to be easy online these days) and getting threats (I know many writers this has happened to) is not something I can tolerate when I already battle paranoia. So many people tell me how brave I am and how courageous I am and honestly, those words make me feel like a fraud.

I think it is easier to talk about living with the most misunderstood and feared of the severe mental illnesses than it is to post something I feel strongly about on social media. Although people often unfriend me when they find out I have schizophrenia, they don’t usually argue with me about it, the worst thing that happens is people give me advice about how to “cure” it or “treat” it or they will go on a tangent about “Big Pharma.”  I can handle most of those things, although they are disheartening, at least they aren’t hateful.

I think people who put what they believe out there in public no matter what the consequences, are bold, brave and courageous. We all have a different tolerance for what we create and share about ourselves, and that is what makes the landscape of the Internet such diverse terrain – you can find every type of person, opinion, lifestyle, hobby, obsession, etc.

No one should feel alone on the World Wide Web, and as far as bravery and courage go, well that means something different to different people. If you want courage and bravery to be part of your identity or “brand” you can’t count on it the way you can an outfit that defines you as an artist or architect. Bravery and courage have to do with our own tolerance for dealing with fear and what one person fears, another person craves. I happen to fear too much and crave very little.

Learning to Sail

19 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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I am going back to work. I wanted to have writing and working from home be my new career, and I have taken many writing classes and applied to many home-based jobs, but it just hasn’t panned out for me. I don’t feel productive enough working from home, and getting paid writing gigs is competitive and requires a fire and hustle that I simply don’t have.

For the past year, along with writing, I have been applying for part time jobs that I thought I would enjoy and that I had a high chance of being successful doing. I finally found one. I am scheduled for my new employee orientation next Wednesday.

I am excited to go back to work. I will be working twenty hours a week at a fast paced job that is physical. I’m happy that it is physical because it is less likely for anxiety to grab ahold of me when I am zipping around trying to complete tasks.

There are many reasons I am happy to have landed a part-time job with a well-known company, and one of the most important reasons is advocacy. I feel like I am strong enough to work part time and I think that strength and accomplishment are important for others to see. I have worked outside of the home almost all of my adult life (with the exception of the last five years), and I think it will prove to people that stereotypes about schizophrenia are simply not accurate.

I want to succeed at my new job not just for me, but for everyone with a severe mental illness. I don’t want my success to be exceptional, though; I want everyone to know that many people with schizophrenia can write, attend school, and work (some can even work full time although I am sure I can no longer handle the stress or pressure of a 30-45 hour work week).

I have been dealing with personality tests, drug tests, background checks, and other details of this new job over the past two weeks and I have noticed that as the likelihood that I would get the job increased, I became more and more self-confident. Earlier this week, I took a bus by myself to a resort and outlet mall thirty or more miles from my home. I went and spent several hours having fun. It took me two buses to return home, and I did all of that without incident. I was so proud of myself and felt a sense of freedom and accomplishment.

When I was younger, I was so much more independent, fearless, and adventurous. I have lost a great deal of my confidence and strength over the past five years, and I feel like working will help me gain some of that back. Although I have written dozens and dozens of published essays over the past few years, I don’t feel as if I have been contributing or productive on a level that I desire. With a part-time job, I will feel certain that every week I have been productive and contributed to a team environment accomplishing many tasks each shift.

My biggest challenge with returning to work is going to be managing my symptoms, and I feel hopeful that I have the skills and resources to make it through a 4-5 hour shift four days a week. I feel ready to take on the challenge.

As I get ready to start punching a time clock, it is important for me to remember that I am not giving up my dream of writing essays and having those essays published. I am still going to have a couple of free days (down days) every week, and if I can get organized and use my time wisely, I will still be able to produce as much writing as I have been over these past few years.

I am embarking on a new journey, and I intend to keep you all posted about the rough waters, easy sailing, and the direction of the wind. I have the courage to get out there and try again. This trying is an example of the tremendous resiliency of many of us with a mental illness; we do more than put one foot in front of the other, we make huge leaps and hope that we will land in a better spot than the one we left behind.

 

The Many Faces Of Shame

13 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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All of us imagine, create, and play out all kinds of scenarios and information in our minds that will never happen. We often hold onto beliefs that simply aren’t true, but we are afraid to test them.

For over twenty years I was afraid to reveal my diagnosis. I thought that people would avoid me, I would lose my job (I don’t currently have one), I would be treated differently, and that people would stop trusting my judgment and push my ideas and input aside as someone who is “crazy.” Most of these things haven’t happened, and if they have, it hasn’t been noticeable to me.

I was living with shame.

My husband said that I have gained a significant amount of self-confidence in the time since I came out. I have to say, I feel stronger because my head is not down, and I am not using all that energy to keep people from finding out my secret.

I have noticed this same type of avoidance and secret keeping in other people, and it isn’t just in marginalized populations like LGBTQ, or the mentally ill. People hide other things about themselves, too. One such secret that I see people in my personal life try to keep is the fact that they came from a lower class (economically).

There are people in my life who have become upper middle class, and they are constantly trying to make people believe that they know everything about fashion, food, wine, and the “finer” things in life. They do everything they can to separate themselves from their upbringing.

I came from a small town, and my parents didn’t have much money. Most of our neighbors didn’t have much money either so it didn’t seem unusual at the time. I ended up going to high school overseas and traveling to many city and countries. I never severed the ties between the small town girl and the worldly woman.

I kept both with me, and I have to admit that both of them have served me very well. There are things I learned from not having much money that have made me a more responsible, compassionate, understanding, and capable person. There are things I learned from traveling and my education that have made me more tolerant, less prejudiced, more friendly, and willing to try new things.  One of the most valuable things I learned about not having much is that I don’t need or want much, and it has little to do with happiness.

Personally, I don’t feel shame about where I came from, but I know others do, and I understand the feeling even if I can’t relate to the details.

Coming out of the closet about my diagnosis has made my life better, and it has nothing to do with how other people treat me. It is about letting go of the shame. Releasing all that shame of who you are, what you are, where you come from gives so much life and energy back to you.

I feel like I have claimed me, and I have claimed my life. I feel like instead of a person who is one person in public and another in private, that I am now one stronger, more complete person.

People feel shame for many reasons. I wish they could throw out those feelings of shame and begin to allow others to accept them as they are. Most of us with bumps, bruises, cuts and injuries will welcome the parts of others that they feel are undesirable for whatever reason. Most of us have been there in one form or another, and I hope everyone has the support and desire to join me on the other side of shame because there is acceptance and freedom on the other side.  And it feels good.

 

Regaining Our Independence

24 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, travel, Uncategorized

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As we get older we like to think of ourselves as aging gracefully and leaving some of our youthful preoccupations and concerns behind. But getting older can also bring with it an increased risk of falling, more physical fragility, and those things can make people fearful of doing things they once did. People lose their confidence in their abilities and this lack of confidence can turn into fear and the loss of some of the person’s independence.

We witnessed this loss of confidence to move as freely, or to try new things, or go new places in some of the people we have visited this holiday season, and it made me think about my own life over the last few years.

I have become very comfortable isolating socially, staying in the house all day, not visiting parks and museums like I used to, never driving the car (I think it has been over six months since I got behind the wheel), and basically staying home as much as possible.

I noticed that I, too, am losing much of my confidence and therefore my independence. The woman I was four years ago – working, shopping, running errands, traveling by myself, etc. Is not the woman I am today and looks nothing like the woman I was before my first episode who would jump a plane and travel by herself to Europe or the Middle East.

I don’t want to travel to another country by myself anymore, but in the New Year, I would like to gain back some of my independence and confidence. I know that having that confidence actually makes me stronger and better able to handle my every day symptoms.

These may not seem like big goals to you, but after the holidays, I am going to start going to the grocery store by myself again. I am going to learn how to drive our new car. I am going to keep my bus pass current and meet my husband after work a couple of days a week to make sure I am getting out of the house.  I am going to spend time writing at coffee shops. I am going to attend more writer’s groups.

Not doing all the things above, and spending my time at home, has made me so fearful and has destroyed my confidence in my ability to handle situations by myself. All of this has decreased my independence dramatically.

I have a desire to be as strong and capable as possible. I don’t want my world to get smaller and smaller each year as it has been – I want to expand and grow and that means I am going to have to work at doing some things that other people take for granted.

I think the effort will be worth it though and with each small success my confidence will grow and grow and so will my independence. Who knows what will be possible for me at this time next year? I don’t know, I only know my world will be larger and I will be better for it.

In the face of a challenge I don’t want to cower with fear or insecurities. I want to say, “Bring it on!” in my most powerful voice, and really mean it.

Are There Limits To Your Advocacy?

17 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma

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I don’t want the people at my husband’s office to know that I have schizophrenia. I know that some of them already know, because I have come out so publically about it, but if I had my way none of them would know.

The reason behind this is sad but simple, I don’t want people to look at my husband and think   “Why would you marry a woman with schizophrenia?”

I am no fool. I know what the majority of people think about having a mental illness, and particularly schizophrenia. I know from experience that even knowing me doesn’t change the lifetime of stereotypes built up in most people’s minds.

I have written so many articles about the language we use that is degrading to people with a mental illness and I have “friends” (and boy, do I use that term loosely), who seem to delight in using that language more than ever. I know that these people’s thoughts are small. The fact that they make personal attacks against me is actually immature and lame. I think it is because I am now a threat. I study. I read. I call people out on racism, sexism, mentalism, and any other forms of hate and bigotry when I see it. I call them out, because injustice and discrimination against even one group is too many and there is an intersection between all inequality and injustice. The intersection for me is that I am a woman who has a disability. The intersection for someone else might be that they are a person of color with a disability, or they are gay and a person of color.

In any case, I am calling people out. I know people don’t like to be called out. They don’t like to think that they are the ones who are displaying ignorance, discrimination, and hatred publically and openly. I get it. I have become the voice that many people don’t want to hear. I’m that uncomfortable person who lets people know their jokes are offensive and not funny. I get their resentment. I get their desire to live in their current way of thinking. Change isn’t easy – it comes with a price.

I can’t imagine how lonely it is for some people who have stood up in the past, or that continue to stand up. I haven’t found my people yet, those people who understand exactly what I mean and what I am fighting for, and why it is important not to stereotype, demonize, or dehumanize any group of people. I have a feeling I’m closer to discovering my crowd – people that will take the risks necessary to make people uncomfortable, and force change.

The truth is I think that I have guts and courage when it comes to a lot of things, but I am a ragdoll without bones when it comes to people judging my husband. He doesn’t care about other people’s judgement. He doesn’t care if they don’t understand the depth of true love that really does honor the vow – in sickness and in health.

I have to tell you though, he’s my weak spot where advocacy is concerned and I want to hide my illness to protect him. For that, I feel like my advocacy has limits and that I am a coward.

An 8 year old is my Inspiration for Better Living

01 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, writing

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I am trying to focus on life beyond paranoid schizophrenia. Last week there was an article on the news about an 8 year old with cerebral palsy that finished a triathlon. At the end of the run, near the finish line, he left his walker behind and started to run by himself. He fell. He got up. He ran. He fell. He got up and crossed that finish line.

I want the determination, courage, and fierce can-do attitude of that 8 year old.

To remember:

Life is big and broad and bountiful. Get yourself to try something new or uncomfortable every single day. Grow and experience your way into more courage.

Love is all around us. Smile at people. Talk to people. Hold doors open for people. We all have a heavy load, help someone to carry theirs.

Put your phone down. Step away from the computer. Look people in the eyes, ask them about their day. Ask them about their family. Ask them if anything new is happening in their life. Reach out, and make a connection that has nothing to do with technology.

Make something with your own two hands. There is wonder and healing in creating with your own two hands. Stretch them out and use them on something besides a keyboard.

Bake something. If you know your way around the kitchen bake some bread – knead it, roll it, form it. The smell will lift your spirits for hours as it waifs through your home. When you cut into it, and take a bite, know that you created it. With a few ingredients you made something that can feed you and your loved ones. Live in the miracle of it.

Spend time doing things that make you laugh. Laughter is medicine for almost all that ails us. You can’t laugh and think of your problems at the same time. Let go! Find people, shows, books, videos that make you laugh from deep in the belly – blurt it out – yoga from the belly – meditation for the mind – salve for the soul.

Make plans to fulfill a dream. If you dream of traveling to a city, or country, buy travel books for that area. Start a jar for dollars and coins by your door, and every day empty your pocket into the jar – save the money for your trip.  If you dream of accomplishing something like writing a book, make yourself spend fifteen minutes at it every day. Work toward your dream, a little bit every day.  It will keep you moving forward. It will give you hope. Hope can carry you into tomorrow.

Think of something you can do for someone else. Does your spouse love breakfast in bed? Does your best friend love cupcakes? Give of your time. Give of your gifts. Give of yourself. The more you focus on others, and give up thoughts of yourself, the happier and healthier you will be.

Give sincere compliments freely. Tell your friend they look beautiful. Tell your spouse they are smart. Make your words healing words that help people become whole.

There is so much more that can be done to live courageously, to live intentionally, to put schizophrenia on the back burner and find the miracles, the wonders, and the joy in life.

I know all people suffer, but there is enough beauty to replenish our hurting hearts, souls and minds, and that beauty is free for all of us – seek it out, search for it, and mine it like gold. You can run the rest of the race without your walker, you may fall, but get up, the finish line is within reach.