Tag Archives: envy

Would you be Surprised to Learn that some People who are Mentally Ill have Desirable Qualities that can be hard for Others to Achieve?

01 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Before going to bed last night I told my husband, “I ate six Girl Scout Cookies for dessert.” He said, “I bet that made you happier than a big diamond ring.” “It did,” I said. “It really did.”

There is very little that makes me happier on a daily basis than a full refrigerator and a closet full of toilet paper. (Of course, if something happens to my husband like he gets an award or a promotion, I am happier, but that doesn’t happen on a regular or consistent basis). There is something about having fruits, vegetables, cheese, beans, and plenty of other things to eat, and the basics like toilet paper that make me feel secure, comfortable, stable and protected. Having these things make me feel as if no matter what else is happening in the world (and these days there is enough bad news to cause even optimists to spiral into depression), I will be okay.

I am a simple woman with simple pleasures, and that is why all the vacations, new cars, beauty procedures, etc. that are on parade on social media don’t bother me. I don’t want for anything. (I’m not entirely above envy, though. There are times when people publish their writing in magazines that I want to publish in, and I feel a twinge of envy).

I feel as if my personality, my desire for very little, has helped me master the spiritual principle of happiness. If we don’t want much, it is hard to be eaten by greed, desire, envy, consumption, and the material world. I don’t think I am above or better than anyone for being like this; I think it comes from hardship and trauma. If a person has suffered a great deal of trauma in their life, the little things, which don’t seem like much to others, can take on more meaning. For me, having an abundance of basic needs (food, toilet paper, comfortable clothes, a house, etc.) is all I need to feel taken care of, and that is not true for so many people.

I can understand running up your credit card because you can’t make ends meet every month and you need to eat, but I can’t understand going into debt for acrylic nails, a new pair of jeans, a trip to the Bahamas, dinner at a five-star restaurant, or a cosmetic medical procedure. I know we live in a culture where people think what they have, and what they can buy defines who they are, but I am not that way, and it is a part of me that I am thrilled over.

People might find it unusual or surprising that someone with schizophrenia could like a part of themselves, or feel as if they have mastered a spiritual practice that helps them maintain peace of mind and happiness that eludes so many others, but it’s true. It feels amazing to know that schizophrenia is not all of me.

I’m the kind of woman that would take a chocolate mint cookie (okay, maybe six) over a diamond ring, and I think that quality defines me more than a diagnosis of mental illness.

 

Lessons From Baseball

07 Monday Sep 2015

Posted by in relationships, writing

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Yesterday at the baseball game, it was the bottom of the ninth and the score was five to one. There was really no chance for the home team but they were up to bat, and they had two outs – they needed a miracle. When the batter got up to the plate, his first swing was a strike, and then he hit a fly ball, and then another strike. Many people in the audience started cheering for him to strike out. The crowd was loud, and they were cheering for him to fail.

Later that night, my husband, and me, my brother, and his friend were all talking about how hard it would be to be doing the thing you love the most, and that you are one of the best at, and have people yelling at you and hoping you do poorly. That is how it is in sports – there is always a group of people hoping you mess up, don’t play your best, or essentially lose to the other player or team.

Then we thought about our own lives. All of us had at least one person we could name in our lives that hoped we failed, or that treated us poorly when we succeeded, or acted like they were in competition with us. My brother’s attitude was that most people really are not happy to see you do well. My brother’s friend, Sam, said that one of her best friends recently wrote her a letter stating that she no longer wanted to be friends because she was so envious, and couldn’t be happy for the changes in Sam’s life (Sam recently fell in love, got a new job and moved to a great new area).  Her friend preferred to end their longtime friendship rather than hear about Sam’s happiness and new adventures.

Sam also said that she thought there was always someone in all of our lives (she thought usually a sister) who we were generally happy for when they took a great vacation, or bought a new house, or got a dream job, but underneath we felt envy.

For me personally, I can’t think of someone specific that I am envious of, but occasionally I will meet someone who I think has suffered little hardship and I will think, “Why does everything always go right for you?” With people like that I feel a twinge of envy.

I think social media is used and in a way to try to make everyone feel envy – people only post their best pictures and often they are taken with a filter or Photoshopped. People take pictures of their drinks and their food, making it look like they are always having a party. People take pictures of every event they go to making it look like they are always having fun, and of course people take pictures of every vacation. Most of social media is an illusion, an image that people are trying to create and maintain. I don’t feel envious of people on social media, because I know most people are not authentic or real on social media – they don’t post the mundane, or sprinkle the good with the bad.  Studies have shown that many people do feel badly about social media – it contributes to negative feelings about their own lives.

I struggle in other ways, but overcome it daily. I see writers every day that are writing for the magazines I want to write for, or I read their work and I know it is so much better than mine. When that happens, I tell myself, “You need to read more, and write more. You need more practice.” I tell myself to keep going. In other words, there may be some initial envy, but the other writer’s success usually pushes me to try harder. I think that is a good way to overcome envy, by bettering myself.

If you are the kind of person that is envious of beauty, or body shape, you can’t just try harder to make your hair thicker, or your cheekbones higher, or wish your wrinkles away. In those situations, you have to practice a form of acceptance. Somehow you have to know that you are good enough, beautiful enough, worthy enough, and I know it sounds cliché but it honestly helps to think of all you are grateful for.

I want to be the kind of person that is happy when others succeed. I want to believe that there is enough goodness, and good fortune for all of us, and that having someone be happy, or get their dream job, is a great thing, not something that hurts my chances of landing my dream job.

I don’t want to be the person in the crowd yelling for someone to fail, I want to be the one who acknowledges a good play when I see it even if it comes from someone on the opposing team – really, there are no opposing teams, just us, trying to live together- let’s cheer loud and hard for one another. The worst that will happen is we will all have a sore throat from cheering, and that hurts much less than envy.

I’ll take Substance over Appearances

24 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in hope, relationships, writing

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When we lived in a suburb of Los Angeles, we were very active in our local community. We attended fundraising dinners for various non-profits and served on boards and committees. Through these activities we met a couple who moved to Southern California from the South. The wife was what I imagine to be a perfect Southern Belle. She was beautiful, a runner, she had a cute figure, and two healthy and adorable boys, she was charming, and she was Christian.

I am not the kind of person who normally feels envious of others. I have friends who have way more money than me, friends who have less, who are far more attractive than me, who are better writers than me, and friends who are smarter than me. None of that is a big deal or causes me any suffering or pain.

But in the instance of the Southern Belle, what I found that tore at the core of me was her perfect Christianity. Her and her husband attended most churches in our area before deciding which one to attend regularly. They picked the most conservative one. Everything about this woman screamed, “I am blessed. I am cherished. I am loved. I am a daughter of the Kingdom.”

I have always felt soiled around certain Christians. It was worse when I was younger, but it still applies to some degree. Some Christians just make me feel dirty and like I don’t belong. Especially perfect looking Christian women with perfect Christian lives who seem never to have taken the wrong path or a wrong turn or made a terrible or regrettable decision.

This woman, the Southern Belle, was one of those Christians, and I envied her.

One day the two of us took her young boys to McDonalds. There was a man and a woman that were dirty and disheveled standing outside asking for money. She walked right by. I stopped and asked what they wanted and they said they were hungry. I told them to follow me inside.

At the counter I said to the man and woman, “Order whatever you want. I’ll get it.”

At first they were a little hesitant and then they both ordered hamburgers, a drink, and fries. I ordered my food, paid both bills and sat down with my friend while her boys ran to the playground outside the back doors.

“My husband said I should ignore people like that.” She said.

“Those people blessed me. They gave me the opportunity to give today.”

“My husband said those people are scam artists. We would never give them money.” She said.

“I bought them a meal. They are eating it.” I said in my defense.

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I waved goodbye to the people who asked for food. I also waved goodbye to the idea of this Southern Belle being a perfect Christian woman – appearances can be polished with a rag, the heart and soul are polished through empathy which often comes from roads we wish we hadn’t taken. I’ve taken many roads and many journeys I wish I hadn’t, but from those paths I have found compassion for the lost, for the lonely, for the loveless. If it took all my mistakes to make me see the suffering of others, then so be it.

I’ll never be seen as the perfect Christian woman, and that is more than okay by me – I’d hate to be responsible for someone feeling dirty.