Tag Archives: holidays

Luck can be the Difference Between Homelessness and Help

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Yesterday, my husband and I went to Starbucks. A young woman was sitting at the corner table writing in a notebook. I recognized her from a few months ago when the two of us sat at the same table, and we both shared that we have schizophrenia. Next to her, was a woman who was talking to her loudly. The woman talking looked like she was probably homeless. Her hair was matted, and her skin was dirty. I assumed, although I can’t be positive, that the homeless woman also has a mental illness.

In that small Starbucks that seats about eight people, there were three women with a mental illness (possibly schizophrenia). It was surprising that we were all in the coffee shop at the same time, but what struck me was how sad, eye-opening and heartbreaking the situation was. Neither the young woman writing in her notebook or I wanted to talk to the other woman.

My symptoms weren’t showing yesterday. I looked like an average middle-aged woman having a coffee with her husband (spouse, friend, boss, or whoever people assumed my husband was). The young woman writing looked like someone who was working hard, and busy with her own life and in her world. She wasn’t showing symptoms either. The homeless woman, on the other hand, was showing symptoms of a brain in overdrive – she was talking loudly, she was laughing nervously, and she was trying to engage strangers in conversation. The young woman, politely told her that she was enjoying her music and didn’t feel like talking at the time (she said it a little kinder than I just wrote, but the message was clear).

When the young woman tuned out to the music piped into her ears through earbuds, the homeless woman turned in the direction of my husband and I. I looked away so our eyes wouldn’t meet.

Normally, I will talk to anyone who wants to talk to me, homeless, mentally ill, etc. but there are times when I can’t bear the enormous weight I feel about mentally ill people living on the street. I know the kindest thing I can do is look them in the eye, listen to their story and treat them like a significant and valuable human being. Yesterday, I couldn’t do it though.

After just getting through the holiday season, after just talking with my husband about our hopes and dreams for 2018, I couldn’t carry the burden of our cruel and inadequate mental health system that leaves thousands upon thousands of men and women without care or shelter.

My husband and I give our time and money to an organization that feeds, delivers medical and dental care, provides social and legal services, and assists in securing housing for the homeless. In other words, we are trying to do something to alleviate the suffering of some of the people without adequate care, shelter or services. Of course, we also write to our representatives and vote in every election. And yet, the problem is massive, and the human toll is high. Things don’t seem to be getting better.

And I couldn’t look a fellow human being in the eye yesterday. A human being, who I believe suffers from the same brain disease I do. A human being who isn’t as lucky as I am. She has no protection, no treatment team; she may not have access to medication, she has no shelter, no shower, she may not know where her next meal is coming from, she may not have a change of clothes. And all she was asking for was attention that no one wanted to give.

Next time, no matter how difficult, heavy, how much it weighs down my heart, I am going to look at that homeless woman, and offer to buy her a hot coffee. I know one step left or one step right and I could be in the same shoes she is wearing just looking for some validation that I am still human.

I’m sorry that I’m not always strong enough to hold the enormity of mental illness, but next time, I’m going to heave the baggage off my shoulders and pull up a seat and have a long conversation.

I want to treat everyone as significant. We all deserve that and so much more. Much much more.

 

The Gift of Receiving

30 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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“These chocolates are so good. So good. Here, try one.” Every time I taste something good, whether it is salmon or a chocolate layered cake, I want my husband to try it. I want him to experience the same pleasure that I am. He will frequently say, “No thanks,” and I will say, “Please.” At that point, he usually gives in and tries what I am offering to him.

The scenario I just described is frequent in our house but is only one example of how I try to encourage my husband to experience things that I think he will enjoy. I often feel as if I take up too much space in our home, relationship and lives with my mental illness and my newly diagnosed health problems that require a strict diet.

Those of us who receive a lot of care from another person need to feel as if we can give something back. My husband falls into the category of a giver. Because he is a giver, his needs, wants, and desires are frequently at the back of the line. It gives me great pleasure to see my husband happy and to see him getting the things he wants.

The problem is, my husband will often turn down gifts and gestures of kindness. He will say, “No thank you.” I have told him over the years that if he is going to do so much for so many people he needs to allow others to give back to him. Most of us find a certain joy in giving to others and if my husband always gives but never receives people (me included) can feel left out of that joyous cycle.

I think caregivers in particular need to learn to accept from others, and particularly the people they are caring for. As I wrote earlier, I often feel like the focus or center of our lives revolves around me. Anything I can do to give back to my husband, to make him the focus once in a while pleases me, and it also helps alleviate the guilt of all the things we have to say no to because I am having symptoms.

I feel like there are so many disappointing times when my husband is looking forward to something and because of me, we will have to cancel at the last minute. If I can buy him things that he loves or would enjoy, have him try things, get him to spend time with his best friend, etc. then I feel like the scale is not so lopsided in my direction.

The old saying goes, “It is better to give than receive.” I think there is some truth to that statement, and for those of us who receive much, it is important that we can give and give generously in return.

 

 

Hope for the New Year

27 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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My husband and I sit down every year before January, 1st and write down our resolutions for the following year.  On New Year’s Eve we look at the list, we wrote twelve months earlier. We are usually a little bummed out because there are only one or two things from our list that we managed to accomplish. The past two years, those accomplishments have been big things (like financial planning), but still, most of our list is left undone.

This year, we decided to do something a little differently and hopefully when we look at what we have written twelve months from now, we will be pleased instead of disappointed. This year, instead of a list we are going to write down our intentions, and choose a word for the year.

My word for the year is WORK, and my husband’s word for the year is INSPIRATION. What does work mean to me? I want to be stable enough and committed enough to commit wholeheartedly to writing. I have started a memoir with a writing mentor (she expects at least ten pages a week starting in the New Year). I would also like to keep up with this blog and sell a few essays every month. For me, that is a lot of writing and a lot of work, but I feel hopeful that I can achieve it. I am also working together with my husband on a project that is the basis for his word, and I can’t wait to share the details, but we need to have it partially completed before I do that. One hint, it also has to do with writing (so excited about this!)

Underneath our words, we wrote our intentions. We both included things like getting out more, socialize more, and watch less news. To my list, I added to be on social media less and to read more books and essays. Reading more is the only place I included details – I would like to read a chapter a day and an essay a day (excluding blogs – I will read as many of those as I have time for).

2017 was a tough year for so many reasons. One of which was that my husband and I had almost continuous health problems throughout the year, add that on top of schizophrenia and my husband’s chronic illness and we were feeling miserable, worried, and down most of the year. When you throw in the daily news of disasters, terrorism, healthcare, etc.  Oh, boy! It is surprising that we were able to manage a low-grade depression and not a full on can’t-get-out-of-bed depression. When people say, your health is the most valuable thing (including mental health) they aren’t kidding. If you don’t have your health, it is difficult to get anything else accomplished or to focus on other things.

So, with that in mind, the best I can wish for all of you in the New Year is a healthy mind and body. Here is to a symptom-free year from your head to your toes (a New Year miracle, I know, but let’s aim high!)  To 2018 and beyond!

Mental Health, The Holiday Edition

23 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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It’s the holidays! Time for giving. Time for eating. Time for music and all forms of goodwill.

*(If you are someone that experiences sadness or depression this time of year, I’ve had years like that, too. I suggest binge-watching good movies with your favorite snacks piled high on the bed, or if you can get out and enjoy some natural beauty, that can help too. Please just know, that the season will be over soon, and the days will start to get lighter with more sunshine (and unless you live in Southern California, more sunshine is always a good thing).

We have a little tree up. It is a replica of the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree in the classic Peanuts special. My mom gave us the DVD several years ago, and we watch it at least once a year. I am always surprised by the part where Linus gives his speech about the true meaning of Christmas during the Christmas play. Because I am Christian, I love that part of the show, but I am surprised that children’s programs (watched by the majority of Americans during the 70’s) contained Christian messages.

Before my Grandfather died, he used to say, “I am ready to go to heaven. Most of my friends are there, and I don’t recognize this world anymore.”  When I think of my childhood, I feel a little bit like my Grandfather – there is so much that has changed. Huge changes have occurred in our society, and I feel nostalgic at times. For example, growing up we knew all of our neighbors and spent time in their company and their homes. I currently live in a condo with 16 other households, and I have never been invited into any of their units.

I wonder what my Grandfather would say about computers and smartphones? I am certain he would feel even more disconnected and isolated from a world that is changing so quickly. My mom, who will be 80 this year, bought a smartphone years before me. She sends me Snapchats every day and follows all my brothers on Instagram (a platform I am not even on). Even though I refused to buy a smartphone until this year; I think it is important to know things about each generation. I don’t mean that we have to do everything that each new generation of young people does, but we have to do some things. I try to read some of the articles and books that they are producing so that I can stay connected to changing language (like all the words we said before the 90’s that are no longer acceptable and all the new additions like nonbinary, gender neutral, etc.)

I recently saw a video posted by another blogger I follow (shout out to Outofgreatneed), that contained research about young people and technology. There is a large rise in depression among teenagers, and it appears to be linked directly to how much time they spend on their phones. I don’t know if it is the constant comparison of our lives to one another or the fact that staring at a screen is such a passive activity. The study didn’t say what it is about our smartphones that is making children more depressed; they only tied the increase in depression to the amount of time spent on the device.

So, how can we help people who were born into a different world feel connected, appreciated and important, this time of year and going forward? If they want to, we can be patient enough to help them learn new technologies. If they don’t want to do that, we can at a minimum, put our phones down when talking to them and look them in the eyes. Have you ever noticed that when you look someone in the eyes, it helps you to know how that person is feeling? Eyes, rarely lie.

It’s the holiday season, and like most people, I want to experience the magic of the season. That magic is diminished though if so many of us are feeling depressed and unwell. I’m not saying that the 70’s or any period before now was ideal or perfect, but we had some things right, some things that didn’t need to be altered or changed. I’m going to invite my neighbors to do more things with me in the New Year, and hopefully, when I write you at the end of 2018, I will know what some of their homes look like and more importantly what is on their minds and in their hearts.

If you celebrate, then Merry Christmas! If you don’t, then happy holidays! I wish us all a healthy and happy New Year!

 

Character and Mental Illness are not the Same Thing

18 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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At my last job, several years ago, I was invited to attend a Christmas party at a different organization. The party was at a hotel, and the invitation instructed each person to bring a gift. I love cookie exchanges, gift exchanges, white elephants and all of the various exchanges that happen during the holidays. The excitement of getting a surprise gift is something I love.

At the party, I was representing the company I worked for, and the event would be an opportunity to network with many other professionals from all areas of senior services and care. I wanted to make a good impression, so I bought a new outfit – gray pants and a nice white shirt with an in-style ruffle up the front. And I put together a basket including wine for the gift exchange.

When I arrived at the hotel, I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, but I asked at the front desk, and they gave me directions to the conference room. I was told to leave my package, the basket, at a table before entering the room. I was given a number in exchange for my gift and the woman behind the table told me that when my number got pulled from a bowl, I would receive a gift.

The conference room was decorated nicely with poinsettias and a Christmas tree. We were fed lunch. The entree was chicken (I don’t eat chicken), but everything else was nice. I listened to the presentations and met and talked with several people there, but during the whole event, I was excited every time I would look over at all the gifts on the gift table that was barely visible outside the conference room.

The party was winding down, and it was time for the gift giveaway. One woman held up a package that looked like a coffee mug filled with goodies, and another person drew a number out of the bowl. The person with that number let out a whoop and walked up to pick up their gift. They called out the next number, and the gift was a massage at a local spa. Again, they drew a number and the person with that number, yelled out, “That’s mine!” and walked up to receive the gift certificate. They went through each gift that way until there were only a couple left. I kept eyeing the gifts and thinking, “I would like that one, I hope it is that one!” Finally, they were down to the last gift, so I knew it was going to be mine. They called the number, and it didn’t match the number on the piece of paper I had. Someone in the back screamed and trotted up to pick up their gift.

The women announced that the gift giving was all over. I went to one of the women and said, “I brought a gift, but you didn’t call my number.” “Oh well,” one of the women said. There were a couple of other people whose numbers didn’t get called as well. Maybe two others. So, the women handing out numbers at the table gave numbers to people who didn’t bring gifts. Those people who didn’t bring a gift knew that they would be receiving someone else’s gift and that there wouldn’t be enough.

I was so disappointed because I love games. I love auctions, and gift exchanges, contests, and all manner of things like that. I tried not to dwell on the fact that people who cheat the system can receive a reward while others, who play by the rules, lose out.

Although I have never been the type of person to cheat out others, I vowed again that day to be generous, not to be selfish and try not to have people experience the world as unfair or negative because of my actions.

Now, if someone is going to be left out of a game, prize, or event, I choose to be the one on the outs, because  I remember how awful it felt to play by the rules and wait in anticipation for something that never came.

 

 

Look at The Big Reveal: Going Public With My Diagnosis

16 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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We are in the midst of the holiday season, and I am looking forward to the new year. 2017 was tough on my husband and me. My husband had four or five serious medical problems (not life-threatening of course, but terrifying as he had two occasions with fevers over 103). And I had two incidents of diverticulitis and a breast cancer scare that lasted most of the year (almost over now). But there is something different about this year than any of the others I have lived.

Since I went public with my diagnosis, I am more comfortable with myself. I am more comfortable with being who and what I am in almost every situation. Even with all the stressful medical situations, and even with all the bad news out of Washington D.C., I laugh louder, harder and more frequently than ever before ( I cry a lot, too, but that is common for me – I have a very soft heart. For example, I cried when Al Franken resigned his Senate seat because I like him and I have thought of him as a fierce fighter on issues I believe in. I also cried when John McCain received his diagnosis and when some famous people passed away). Anyway, it is no big deal, but I cry easily, the great thing is, I laugh easily, too. I have a big laugh. I have a belly laugh. I have a very distinct laugh that turns heads in a room. I love laughter. I love when people laugh, and I love when I laugh. And since opening up completely about living with schizophrenia laughter is more common than ever around here.

People frequently tell me they live in the closet and are afraid of coming out because of the consequences it might have on their job, and relationships. The stigma around schizophrenia is all too real, but for me, coming out is one of the best things I have done in my life. I feel whole, and I feel free. I wouldn’t recommend being open about living with a severe mental illness with everyone, (I don’t tell everyone, but anyone can find my articles about it on the Internet). But most people who know me or have any contact with me on social media know that I have schizophrenia. I am not hiding. Are their consequences for me? Yes, I think there are. I don’t know when I apply for a job if people are discriminating against me – it is possible that they are. I don’t know if people talk behind my husband’s back and work about his “crazy” wife. I assume it can, and possibly does happen. But for the most part, people are kind, and open, accepting and compassionate toward me.

For the first time in my life, I feel free to open up a conversation about mental illness and talk about the issues, the struggles, my diagnosis, etc. I don’t feel like I am keeping more than half of my life hidden from all of the people around me. Keeping that big of a part of myself secret for so many years left me feeling distant and disconnected from other people. Now, I feel as if I am all in, and completely myself. I know not everyone has the luxury to risk what I have, and I wouldn’t want everyone too, but for me, I’ll take the increased laughter and lightness of being even if it means the occasional stab of stigma, judgment or pain.

 

Schizophrenia, The Christmas Present Edition (or other gift giving holiday)

08 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Christmas used to be very expensive for my husband and me. We bought gifts for all of our nieces and nephews, our parents, and then there were close friends and another family member here or there. We also had to buy gifts for parties we would attend that held white elephant gift exchanges. Christmas is no longer expensive. Most of our nieces and nephews are grown up with jobs of their own, and we have agreed not to exchange gifts with most of our parents. And for better or worse, we hardly get invited to any parties with gift exchanges anymore.

I love the holidays, though and my husband put up our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree today (yes, it has one red bulb). On Christmas morning I want my stocking to be filled and placed beneath that tree. I love the idea of filling Christmas stockings, and it is about the last tradition I follow.

So, there is more money left for my husband and me to spend on each other if we wish (we don’t get too carried away). Here are some of the things I have bought this year, or that I want that I think make great gifts for people with a mental health issue.

A weighted blanket. I bought a weighted blanket for my husband and me about six months ago, and we both love it. The adult ones are expensive (they will run you about $150) but they are something you can keep for years, so the price is worth it. Our blanket weighs 15 pounds. The theory behind the blanket is that the weight helps make you feel contained or safe. I haven’t tried using it when I have a panic attack, but I assume it would help a little bit. One thing to be aware of is it is warm so in the summer you might find that you kick it off while sleeping. I love mine, so if you have a Santa in your life who buys you bigger gifts, this might be just the thing to put on your list.

Noise canceling headphones. This is something on my Christmas list this year. One of my friends recommended these to me a year ago because of the difficulty I have traveling. She said she loves hers, and they help her with the noises in airports and on planes. I think the elves are making me a pair of these as I type this.

A Smartphone. I held on to my flip phone for years, claiming that I don’t need a Smartphone. I argued that I was home all day in front of a computer and would have no use for a Smartphone. I love my Smartphone so much, and it helps me tremendously. I can talk on Skype or another application to people during the day which is a fantastic remedy for how I isolate socially. Also, it allows me to check e-mails when I am away from home and read Facebook helping me to maintain a writing community and stay in touch with friends an family on the go. Lastly, Snapchat has added so much joy to my life (I have written a whole post on this). Anything that brings laughter to my life on a daily basis is worth having and holding onto.

Another great gift is a writing class or a few hours with a writing mentor. I have taken writing classes from UCLA Extension and Gotham Workshop and individual writers. I also use money that I would spend on therapy to pay for a writing mentor. All of these things help me try to become financially independent by supporting myself with my writing, and they help me to write more which is therapeutic. I found if I can write during a panic attack, then eventually the anxiety will subside. Also, writing out traumatic events has a therapeutic quality whether you share your writing or keep it to yourself. Writing is very helpful in managing a mental illness.

Books are a great gift. Novels can help us escape to a different world, and memoirs can help us to find other people like us. I read memoirs by people with schizophrenia as frequently as I can find them. It helps me to know I am not alone. There are so many good reasons to purchase a book, and they don’t have to be new. You can find great books at GoodWill, or second-hand stores, and if you don’t want to spend any money then wrap up your library card and put it underneath your tree – it is a gift that will give to you all year long.

If you know someone who is crafty or you like to shop on Etsy, one of my favorite things in my home is a handmade quilt. I love wrapping myself up in my very own blanket. I am like a kid with her security blanket. I love mine and gifting one to someone else, or buying your own is a present that if taken care of can last the rest of your life.

Of course, fluffy socks, a pair of yoga or sweatpants, an oversized sweatshirt, pajamas, a luxurious robe, a magazine subscription, adult coloring books, or sketchbooks and pencils can all make those difficult days more comfortable and easier.

My husband said I am a great Christmas present shopper. I hope this is true; I try to put a lot of thought into what I buy people because I don’t like to waste money and I don’t like to add to people’s junk pile or the things they want to send to GoodWill. Last year, I bought my husband a ginger beer making kit with copper mugs included because he likes to have the occasional Moscow Mule cocktail. This year, I bought him an Ancestry DNA kit. We are both going to get our DNA tested to see where our family comes from and to see if we can connect with relatives around the world. I would like to know if schizophrenia runs in my family (I have a second cousin with it, but I don’t know of anyone else).

So hopefully if Santa is you, or someone you know, you will get the items on your wish list. Leave him (or you) a big plate of cookies and make sure to include in your list that you have been more nice than naughty this year.

Here’s to your health, both mental and physical!

 

A Smile for Service Workers this Holiday Season

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

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Last night my husband and I went to the grocery store. I feel like I should tell you that I was hungry, the store was packed, and the lines were long. I feel like I should tell you that so you don’t think I am a horrible person, but that is the problem with this story. I’m not a horrible person and so frequently online, and in person, people will make you feel like you are horrible for the slightest things – one tiny misstep and you are someone marginalizing other people.

Here is what happened: I was walking through a crowded store with my husband looking for tea. I saw one of the men who works at the store stocking boxes, and I said, “Where is the tea?” He said, “Hi.” I said, “Do you know where the tea is?” He said, “Hi.” I finally figured out what he was trying to do and I laughed a little and said, “Okay, hi. Do you know where the tea is?” My laughter wasn’t because I thought what he did was funny. I thought what he did was try to force me to behave in a way that he preferred. Now, I know greeting someone before you ask them a question is a polite thing to do, but honestly, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was asking a question of someone who worked in the store.

I feel like the man was trying to “teach” me some manners. I felt a little shamed and like a child. I also feel like if he can’t handle being asked where something is without a “proper” greeting, he probably shouldn’t work in a grocery store. I can’t be the only person who asked him the location of a product without saying hello that day. But, that being said, he was right. I should have greeted him first. I should always have the time and make an effort to recognize people’s humanity before asking or expecting something from them.

Honestly, I think you can tell the character of a person by how they treat people who are “serving” them – like in a restaurant. I try to be polite to everyone who serves me. I say please and thank you, and tip well at the end of the meal. I don’t think anyone is beneath me. Of course, the man in the store’s point hit me so hard that the next time I ask someone in a store a question, you can bet that I will greet them first. I think greeting someone first is a good policy, but I feel like we need to have some tolerance for people’s missteps, or mistakes without shaming them (I have written about not shaming people many times).

I guess I should be thankful that I now know that some people working at the grocery store feel mistreated by customers (although I always think of restaurant workers when I think of bad clientele, I never thought of a grocery store as having demanding or demeaning customers on a regular basis).

It is Christmas time, and it is a difficult time to be someone in the service industry, so I hope that my little story here will remind you that people are people and need to be treated with respect even when we are hungry, in a hurry or a bad mood. I just hope you don’t get forced or shamed into treating them that way – hopefully, the joy of the season will infect you, and you will naturally and spontaneously treat everyone with kindness, compassion, patience, and love.

Being Mentally Ill and the Holidays

27 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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It’s the holiday season. An exciting and enriching season for some, and for others, the most difficult time of the year.

For those of us with a mental illness, it can be hard for various reasons. Being alone, or being away from friends and family is only one possible problem. There are those of us with anxiety issues that can become worse during the hustle and bustle of holiday parties, shopping, crowds, etc. There are those who suffer from depression that can deepen this time of year. There are those of us (and we are many) who isolate, and that means that invitations to parties, gatherings, happy hours, and volunteer opportunities, etc. can create stress.

I happen to love the holidays, but things at my house look very different than anyone else I know. My husband and I used to travel to relative’s houses and go to big family parties that included cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, and the occasional friend. Now, we decline invitations to those family functions.

A day or two before Christmas we check into a hotel, and the only traditions we recognize are the sharing of Christmas stockings (I fill my husband’s Christmas stocking, and he fills mine). On Christmas day, we take a picture of ourselves by the ocean and post it to social media (if you follow me on social media you know this is highly unusual for me because I never take selfies and I am not one to post too many updates on what we are doing).

Not sharing the holidays with family has created a few hard feelings over the years, but my husband and I have become more comfortable with saying no to people and taking care of ourselves as the years have passed. I guess you could say we are more selfish now than we were the first ten years of our marriage, but selfish seems too harsh a word for something you do to avoid stress, negativity, anxiety, drama, etc.

I like the no expectations of our holidays. I don’t have to cook, or shop, or bring presents, or be involved in anyone’s drama. We celebrate a drama-free Christmas Southern California style, and I love it.

My advice to anyone who has difficulties with the holidays is to make choices that make you happy even if those choices don’t make everyone else happy. I am all for spending time with family and friends and sharing my life, time, etc. with other people, but I will no longer do that at the expense of my mental health and my husband won’t either.

So, I am sure that some people think we are Scrooge number one and Scrooge number two, but they can think that while we walk on the beach Christmas day sipping coffee, holding hands, and wearing sunglasses to keep things from being too bright.

Sanity to Bring in the New Year

26 Sunday Nov 2017

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The holidays are a good time for reflection. Thanksgiving encourages us to makes lists of what we are grateful for, and many of us reach out to the less fortunate and give our time and/or money. This attitude of giving stretches from late November until early January. We seem to think more about one another during this time, and there are more random acts of kindness.

During this season we also reflect on the past year and make plans, goals or a list of resolutions for the upcoming year. As I reflect on this past year, I have to admit I have been on edge and angry more than any time in the past. There is news of war, terror, mass shootings, natural disasters and lies filling our televisions, social media, newspapers, and magazines every day. I wrote a piece that was published in ROAR about fearing a nuclear war. I can’t ever remember such a heavyweight of bad news and fears to carry around on a daily basis. Combine all of this with my on-going breast cancer scare, and I have laughed less and cried more than I can ever remember.

Over the past year, I have snapped at my husband more. I have cursed at careless drivers with a vengeance. I have had less patience and more irritation with customer service representatives over the phone, and I have given countless dirty looks to dog owners who allow their dogs off leash or bring them into a restaurant, or grocery store (this simply grosses me out). I think I have been guilty of contributing to a world that is less kind, less compassionate, and less forgiving than it was a year ago.

I know that I am not alone in carrying a heavier load this year than last. Many of us know that critical changes are coming to our healthcare, but we are uncertain how it will impact us. Many of us have read the news and know that our taxes will be higher (I live in California where they have proposed getting rid of a deduction for income taxes) if the current tax reform bill passes. Many of us are frightened by the rise of nationalism and racism. So many of us can no longer peacefully and innocently gather in large crowds without at least planning a way of escape because of all the terrorism and shootings that seem to happen almost weekly or monthly now. There is so much happening. There is so much to make our minds uneasy. Peace seems distant and far away.

So I am here to say, there must be something I can do to get some of my joy back and remain engaged in the issues that plague our nation and the world. There must be a solution for me to be a part of creating more kindness, more compassion, more tolerance, less anger, more friendliness. I can make a vow to be nicer to the people I talk to on the phone. I can make a vow not to give the evil eye to dog owners who think mostly of themselves and not the comfort of others. I can try to tame my mouth when I see someone talking on the cell phone while driving (even though this is so dangerous and I find no excuses for it, and there is never a good reason to do it). I can smile at people I pass in the street even if they don’t leave me space on the sidewalk. And I can cut down my access to news. (This past year I have been in the habit of reading or watching news nearly all day and into the evening. I just can’t do that anymore and make a positive impact in the small circles where I have some influence).

I need to stay engaged in calling my senators, voting in elections and knowing the things that will likely impact me, my husband, my family, and millions of other Americans. I need to do that, but not at the expense of the little things, like buying a stranger coffee, thanking the barista who also shoulders most if not all of these things. And that is the secret for me. I am not alone. I am one among millions who are more uneasy, frightened, uncertain and feeling a tremendous burden. If I am unwilling to break out of this cycle of anger and upset, then maybe others will be unwilling too and our days will seem worse, not better.

I’m making an effort, starting right now to be a ray of hope, a streak of sunshine, a glow of compassion where ever and whenever I can. I have a feeling I will learn that I make a bigger difference than I have ever assumed, at least I hope so, and I hope to see that difference reflected back on the faces of people as we smile at one another in the street again.

It’s the holidays, a time to believe in the most powerful magic. As decorations go up all over the city, I’m believing, are you? I’m hoping for healing in my stocking this year, and I have the childlike faith to know that anything is possible – it really can happen.  We can refuse to be a part of the problem by choosing to be the salve on so many hurting, frightened, hearts. I believe even a smile can make it start to happen. We say it over and over again; it’s the little things, so let’s start a revolution of little things.