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~ surviving schizophrenia

A Journey With You

Tag Archives: isolation

OUTSIDER AS ADULT

15 Monday Apr 2019

Posted by A Journey With You in Uncategorized, writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, april, brain disease, isolation, journal, junior high, mental illness, mentally ill, misfits, not belonging, outsider, poetry, poetry month, schizophrenia], writing

(My contribution to poetry month)

OUTSIDER AS ADULT

Like in junior high

Dodgeball

Two captains

My peers

Pick my classmates

One by one

With each name called

I pray

My name will be next

It is painful

This process

Whittling down

Students to

Two or three

I am the final

One standing

Not chosen

At all

But placed

On the second captain’s team

A loss

Before the game

Even begins

 

 

Is it Your Personality or is it Schizophrenia?

02 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

hope, isolation, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, public, schizophrenia], social, wellness

When I was a teenager, and I would go to visit my dad (my parents are divorced), I would frequently get impatient with him because he talked to people wherever we went. If we went to the grocery store, he would talk to the woman next to him about rice, and as we were checking out, he would talk to the cashier about the weather, the specials that day and anything else that crossed his mind.

Recently, my in-laws come over from France, and commented to my husband, that it makes them uncomfortable that I talk to strangers at the train station, grocery store, in restaurants and on the street.

So often people claim that they have become their mothers, but in this case, with my relative’s observation, it occurred to me that I have become increasingly like my dad.

I mentioned earlier in the week that my writing buddy is visiting for a week from Virginia, while my husband is out of town. The two of us went to a hotel to celebrate Easter at a brunch buffet. I made the reservation for eleven, but by ten in the morning we were both hungry and wished we could dig into some of that food.

I called the hotel, but they said they were booked and couldn’t’ get us in early. We decided to head to the hotel, hang out in the lobby and possibly walk around the block. We agreed that something about being near all that food made us feel better than waiting at home.

When we arrived at the hotel, we climbed the curved staircase with wood railings to the second floor where the brunch was set up. There was a man at the top of the stairs assisting guests. I told him that we had reservations at eleven but that we had come early. He said, “Well, you need to check in on the first floor, and it is possible they can seat you now. I’ll take you down to the desk.”

We followed him back downstairs, and he asked my last name. I spelled it for him and then said it. He went to the desk in front of us and told the woman and man sitting there my name and that I had reservations at eleven and could they possibly seat us earlier. The man behind the desk said, “Unfortunately, we are booked.” I said, “No problem at all, we will take a seat in the lobby and wait until our table opens up.”

Before we could walk away from the desk, the man who had met us at the top of the stairs said, “I’ll take you to your table.” I said, “Wow, you know how to pull some strings!” He laughed, and the two of us talked the whole way up the stairs until he handed us off to the hostess.

Later, while I was getting food from the buffet line, I saw the man who got us our table, and he asked me how I liked the food. I said, “It is so beautiful, and it is delicious. The perfect way to celebrate Easter.”

While Joyce and I were eating, the same man came to our table, and I told him I was standing up (instead of seated at our table) because my back hurts when I sit. He told me all about his back injury and asked if I wanted to walk around the buffet and loosen my back up. He said if I did, he would sit down and keep Joyce company. We all laughed really hard.

I talked to about a half-dozen other people while we were enjoying our buffet, and I know it isn’t much, but it made my day brighter. I love talking and interacting with strangers. It is a shame that my schizophrenia keeps me isolated so much of the time because what once made me impatient about my dad, brings me great joy.

Becoming our parents isn’t always as scary as it sounds.

 

 

 

 

 

Technology Diet? I Need A Scale for That.

29 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

diet, isolation, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, outdoors, social media, socially isolate, spring, summer, symptoms, technology, wellbeing, wellness

Yesterday it was eighty-one degrees in San Diego. We went to the bay side of Coronado and walked along the waterfront. It was like summer. People were riding bikes, eating ice cream, walking dogs, pushing children in strollers, eating on restaurant’s patios, and listening to the music of a live band. The whole scene had a festival-type atmosphere.

I haven’t been out for a while because of a pinched nerve in my back, and because I tend to isolate socially, but it was wonderful to be out among people who weren’t checking their phones, or clicking away on laptops or tablets. People were outside, enjoying the beautiful weather and enjoying activities together. It felt like another world.

I realized something about myself. I like to talk to strangers. I asked everyone who had an English Bulldog, ( one couple, and one family) the name of their dog if they had health problems and other questions. I told the barista at the coffee stand that I loved her eye makeup, and she told me she had watched hundreds of YouTube videos to learn how to achieve that look. Jokingly, I asked her if she would come to my house and do my eyes, and she said, “Yes, of course!”

After we had returned home from the bay, we had dinner and then decided to go to the grocery store to shop for our weekly groceries. I had a summer dress on and with the sun already down it was starting to get cool, so I threw a sweatshirt over my dress and put on some pants underneath. I looked very disheveled. At the store, one of the clerks and I started up a conversation, and I asked him how he liked my clothing ensemble. I told him I called it my, “I am going to the grocery store on a Sunday night and why not put everything in the closet on.” We both laughed, and he told me no one would notice. It’s true we shop in a pretty rough area, so maybe nobody did pay any attention to the woman with several outfits on.

I was so surprised how much I liked talking to strangers. I especially love getting them to laugh or smile. Even though San Diego is supposed to have the highest rate of road rage; it seems like people are friendly when you meet them in person. I have spent so much time on social media, and away from face-to-face interactions, I didn’t realize how much more civil and delightful people are in person.

To keep perspective on humanity, I need to commit to seeing people more. It may be difficult to force myself out of the house when I have active symptoms, but it is so necessary for my head and heart.

Spending too much time in the world of technology (social media) got under my skin. Getting outdoors, in summer-like weather, when people want to laugh and enjoy themselves is like a balm for the soul. I forgot about politics, angry tweets, and name-calling. I forgot about the polarization of our country and how easy it is to bash one another in a faceless land (social media).

I like it outside where good hearts show up in every direction. I’ve heard of technology fasting and technology diets. I think they are as critical to good health as eating vegetables.

Social Isolation as a Symptom

09 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, writing

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

airplanes, creative nonfiction, friends, isolation, mental health, mental illness, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, social, symptoms, writing

I live a ten minute drive from the airport. My house is just to the right of the flight path. People from all over the country fly by my window every day. If they are seated on the right side of the plane, and looking out the window, they can see a white boxed shaped building with arches above the windows.

Two international flights come in every day, one from London and one from Japan.

All those people passing by my window as I sit at my computer, pour a glass of water in the kitchen, or lounge on the couch reading a book. People moving. People traveling. People living their lives.

I walk to the largest urban park in the country. Visitors from all over the world pass by me. I hear languages I can’t identify. I see tour groups where the leader holds up a flag so no one gets separated from the group. I pass by museums, a koi pond, and a plaza. People are so close I could reach out and touch them, but I don’t.

Last week I read an article by a woman with schizophrenia. She wrote about being in love with her loneliness. I read the words again and again in understanding and recognition.

Some symptoms get worse with age.

Today, I am off to a celebration. My computer will be waiting for me. Books will be stacked, bookmarked, or spread open. The room will be the same as when I left it.

When I return I won’t speak to anyone for ten hour stretches. The sound of planes will keep me company. I will see tourists exploring the park. I will read, and I will write.

I will live in the world of my mind, and yes, I will experience the love of loneliness.

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