Tag Archives: joy

A Dream to be Fearless

24 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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Suffering. I suffer. You suffer. We all suffer. An illness. A loss. Hunger. No shelter. Bombs. Loneliness.

I frequently say, “Why can’t suffering be doled out equally?” Like if you have a severe mental illness you don’t also get a chronic physical illness, or if you lose your child, you don’t also lose a spouse. The world doesn’t work that way, though. And you can’t equate the loss of a child, or war, or starvation to schizophrenia. Suffering is not equal.

My diagnosis of diverticulitis almost two weeks ago, made me momentarily think that I shouldn’t have to deal with physical illnesses and a severe mental illness, too. For a short period, I felt bitter and sorry for myself.

I don’t like feeling bitter, or sorry for myself. Bitterness and self-pity do not suit me or feel right for any length of time, but beyond these feelings is an even more destructive force: fear.

Feelings don’t just fly away. There are times when we need to work to get our feelings on track (I certainly don’t mean you can think your way out of a mental illness, only that you can think your way out of some feelings both negative and positive).

So, I need to find a way back. A way to put my troubles in perspective, lighten my mind, heart, and soul. What I want to be is fearless.

When I was in the emergency room at the hospital, anxiety overcame me. My pulse rate was well above 100. I have felt that same anxiousness since that time. I am hyper concerned about the diverticulitis acting up again and sending me back to the hospital. During this time, I have had back problems for two months. I can lay down and stand up, but I can’t sit. I even stand at restaurants to eat (we haven’t gone out much lately). I am standing while typing this.

But back to fearless. I don’t want to be anxious or afraid anymore. I want to develop a skin of steel. Going to the doctor and hospital terrifies me. I want to overcome that. I want to be strong and brave and courageous. I want to laugh in the doctor’s office and make them laugh, too. I want to whistle no matter what the diagnosis or outcome. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to be concerned.

Concern, anxiety, fear and worry have taken over my life these last two months. I have stopped doing the things that bring me joy because I feel an ache here and pain there and the worry begins. I am concerned by every bite of food I put in my mouth, thinking it may cause another infection in my intestines. I fear sitting down because it can cause my back to hurt for hours or even days.

I know it will take small steps to get me back to the laughter I so frequently enjoy. I know it will take time removed from these illnesses and pains to help my mind heal from their impact. I know all of this, and yet, today, I am going to get out of the house, experience a little living, get on with things.

Today, I step out, slowly, surely, and purposefully. I am re-entering the world. I miss my joy, and I want it back. I may never be completely fearless like I dream and desire, but I’m moving toward that goal – one toe out front – the rest of me is not far behind.

My Latest on She Knows

25 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in articles I wrote, Uncategorized

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Okay, I know you have heard whispers that I write articles on things other than schizophrenia, and it is true. In fact, I am doing it more and more (although my new column on Drunken Boat will have to do with mental illness but in a totally exciting and unique way).

So, here is a light article on aging.  I hope you will pop over and read it.

http://www.sheknows.com/living/articles/1122427/getting-older-is-great

Thoughts For The Day

06 Sunday Mar 2016

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I am thinking about a couple of things today.

Physical health:

I am sick and when I am sick it is hard to focus on anything but the feeling of being sick. On days like this, it is easy to feel grateful for all the days that may not go the way you wanted them to but at least you were or are physically well.

 

Relationships:

It is easy to take people who you see every day for granted. It is easy to assume they will always be there and always feel the same way about you as they do today. Last night for the first time in my almost eighteen years of marriage it occurred to me that it is possible for my husband to fall out of love with me. Many times I have thought about the possibility of something happening to him, but this was the first time I thought that maybe there would be a time when he would discover that he wanted to be alone or with someone else.  The thought of it broke my heart, but it did something else, too. It made me realize to pay close attention to the things my husband says, to listen when he talks, to care about the things he cares about, and to try and create long-term dreams together that we can both see ourselves in the future together.

My thoughts are not new or original, but something to think about on a Sunday afternoon that might give you an idea that makes you feel more gratitude, create more dreams, or be more loving and attentive to the people in your life.  These things are all good to consider this day or any other.

Vacations, Family and Just Being An Average Woman

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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Last Friday I flew to Seattle with my husband, met my nephew and his wife and we all drove to Eastern Washington. We stayed in a house called the Nat Washington House in Ephrata Washington.

On Saturday morning, we prepared food and decorations at the house for my dad’s surprise 80th birthday party.

I saw a friend I have known for 45 years. I saw my dad, stepmom, stepbrothers, nieces, nephews, two of my brothers, my former sister-in-law, and many other people.

The great thing about being with people who have known you most of your life (or in the case of nieces and nephews they have known me all of their lives) is that they treat you like anyone else. I was expected to step up and help with the party preparations. I was expected to make decisions, go shopping, put together platters of food, and clean up. Because of all the excitement I had to take some extra medication (I had to do this on the flight to Seattle and the day of the party, but overall, I did well). I wasn’t treated as someone who was fragile, different, or incapable.

I am a part of a family. I am a respected member of that family. I am an important person in a web of people who are important to me.

When I am with family, it is the only time I can truly be myself and feel as if I am valued 100%. I’m not the woman with schizophrenia. I am a daughter, an aunt, a sister, wife, etc. Everyone at the party with the exception of the younger kids knew me long before I had the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I wanted to fast from social media and technology for the 40 days before Easter (Lent). I wasn’t successful in doing that, but I was successful in fasting from technology for the whole time I was on vacation and celebrating my dad’s life with family and friends.

I have to tell you that having conversations face to face with people is more rewarding than a message on Facebook. Laughing at people’s jokes or things that happen is so much more meaningful than clicking the like button on Facebook, or sending a smiley face.

As someone who normally isolates socially, I sure enjoyed talking, laughing and participating in all the festivities. It was a joy to give up technology for a short time, and it was priceless to be a member of a family that doesn’t consider my illness as the thing that defines me.

Giving up technology taught me to be more present with the people around me and to listen to them and enjoy them more. But better than that was being all the things that make me feel like a whole person, a regular person, a person who is so much more than schizophrenia. Sure, I have to take a little more medication to deal with stress, but no one notices, and the benefits to me are tremendous. I am occasionally the cool aunt, the best friend, the only daughter, the only sister, and the one who is married to that nice guy (who everyone loves).

The most important part of the weekend is that you could hear our laughter ring out in every room of that historic house, and my laughter may have been the loudest of all.

 

 

Recipe For Long Lasting Love

16 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in hope, Uncategorized, writing

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I wish everyone with a mental illness could find a partner who loves and cherishes them for who they are. Most of the joy I experience in life is from having a relationship with my husband. He provides me stability, endless laughter, and the necessary support to rebuild my life each time it falls apart.

Next month, my husband and I will celebrate our eighteenth wedding anniversary.

Each relationship has its unique recipe and ingredients for making things work. I would say our recipe looks like this:

1 cup forgiveness

1 cup communication

1 cup laughter, silliness, and fun

1 cup hope for the future

1 cup commitment

1 cup support and encouragement for one another

1 cup believing in each other against all odds

1 cup compassion

1 cup caregiving

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl of love. Bake it for as many years as you possibly can – it’s never fully cooked, finished or ready – it is always a masterpiece in progress. You can eat from it year after year, and it will fill you up as it grows larger not smaller with each bite you take.

 

My Wish For You

24 Thursday Dec 2015

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Yesterday, my cousin, who is traveling around the United States for six months, stopped by my house for a visit. I haven’t seen her for over seven years. We were able to have some meaningful time together. Her visit brightened my heart and holidays. We talked, laughed, went to the park, saw a museum, had a delicious lunch, and we talked about our grandparents and some of our memories of them.

My mom and dad (my parents are divorced but have been remarried for so many years that I have two sets of parents) arrived from Arizona. They immediately filled my husband’s and my stockings. We filled their stockings too. There are some presents under the tree.

Earlier in the week, one of you sent me a Christmas card and present. I was so excited and touched by the gesture. It is one of the prettiest packages under the tree.

I think I will have an eggnog latte today.

It is Christmas Eve.

I hope you are surrounded by family, friends, or in a beautiful, peaceful place that you love to be. I know not all of you celebrate this holiday, but even if you don’t: Christmas is about hope, and although that hope centers around Jesus, we all need hope about something to keep us alive. So today at some point think about what it is you hope for – good health, a sound mind, stable moods, a friend, a job, etc. Hope. Hope. Hope.

Send your hope into the world and I will be hoping upon your hopes that all you hope for is waiting for you on Christmas morning.

I believe in Christmas miracles – I’m filling your stocking with hope – it is bulging because it is so full.

Focus On Retail Workers

14 Monday Dec 2015

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Today I will be making snowman cupcakes, brownies shaped like Christmas trees, reindeer cookies, and star and angel shaped mints. The ingredients for these holiday treats are just a few of the things my husband and I have purchased lately. We also bought craft supplies to make 16 coworkers holiday gifts (just something small), stocking stuffers for each other and for my parents, and ingredients for my husband to make his annual 100 mini loaves of banana bread for the homeless. Of course while we were out, we picked up a few things for the house and for ourselves.

That is a lot of shopping. I think it is accurate to say that is at least 10 times more shopping than we do most other months of the year. During this time of year, when I am checking out at a store, I always ask the cashier, “Are you super busy today?” Of course, they almost always say, “Yes.” Then I ask them, “Are people being nice to you?”  They usually tell me that people are being nice to them. Then I say, “Because people can be rude this time of year when they are looking for sales, spending so much money, hurrying to this party or that one.” Then they usually open up and tell me about how rude and mean some customers are to them.

I know it doesn’t seem like much to remember to be nice to the people who work in shops, malls, grocery stores this time of year. But it could make a difference for someone who may be struggling with seasonal depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, autism, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc. This is the busiest time of year for anyone working in retail. People with retail jobs are probably working long hours, dealing with every kind of person imaginable, and they are told to keep their cool, and keep a smile on their face. It cannot be easy to provide good customer service to everyone who walks through the door. And of course one in four of them are struggling with a mental illness, and many of them have other chronic illnesses.

It is hard to get out of bed every day. It is even harder to get out of bed, get yourself ready and go to a job. It is tough to put in 4-10 hours. It gets harder still when your job is dealing with the public. It gets more difficult still, when that public can be grumpy or rude because there are longer lines than normal, gifts are expensive, shops are crowded, some items they want may sell out, they may not have the money to spend but they feel they have to.

I know it is the season of giving and people do remarkable things for one another this time of year. I know there is more generosity and kindness in the air than at any other time or season. I also believe there is some magic to be experienced. But at the same time, people can forget that wonderful spirit when they walk into a store and start shopping. I’m just asking that we remember those people who work their tails off during the holidays and extend some of the wonder to them and joy to them.

If you believe our actions send out ripples into the world then start a chain reaction of kindness, compassion, peace and love – imagine how many people retail workers see every day and how many people they can pass the ripple onto. You may be the one who starts the ripple that changes a life or lives. We have the power to make the world better, let’s use it.

The Joy Robbers

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I often write about the struggle I have between wanting to be treated like everyone else, and wanting people to make accommodations for me, because I have a mental illness.

Most of the time, I want to be treated like everyone else. I don’t want any special treatment, help, or attention, because I am mentally ill. I think I function at my highest level when people treat me like they treat everyone else. I think this is why I have fewer symptoms around my family, because they definitely don’t give me special treatment. They expect me to participate at the level that anyone would – do chores, entertain guests, be polite, be aware of other people’s needs, etc. I don’t get cut any slack for having schizophrenia. I may get cut some slack for being the only sister in a team-sized group of brothers, but that is about it (well, that and the fact that I am frequently paranoid and people do have to respond to my fears occasionally, or deal with irregular sleeping patterns). But overall, I am treated like a full functioning member of my family. I think that is great.

What I don’t understand, and don’t think is great is when people are in competition with me, or envy me, and treat me poorly because of that envy or competitive spirit. I think that I have a great life, and I constantly am thankful and grateful for that, but seriously, I have schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is not a death sentence. It doesn’t have to define me. It doesn’t have to keep me from achieving my dreams, but having schizophrenia is tough. It isn’t just tough when you get admitted to a psych ward it is tough most days of the week. Being psychotic is the most terrifying thing I can imagine. Being suicidal is a risk to your life.

Why then, would anyone be in competition with me, or envy me? I do not understand people like that.  Even if I get something published, or get to go on a cool trip, or have a more supportive partner, or whatever it is they decide I have that they want, or want to be better at, the fact is, I still have schizophrenia. In those cases, I wish people would treat me differently. I dislike competition and the way envy makes people act. Having people in competition with me makes me feel bad, and most people who are envious treat the people they envy like dirt. I have a difficult enough time dealing with my symptoms without dealing with people who are insecure, or want what others have, or have to be the best at something.

I am not in high school. I do not like drama, and I do not like mean spiritedness. What I think people who are in competition with others, and envy others, lack is self-confidence, and when they have these feelings toward me, I feel that they lack the ability to reason. Why shouldn’t I have some great things happen in my life? I have been through hell with an illness that is terrifying, disabling, requires medication that causes other illnesses, etc. What I am saying here is, yes, my life is great, but it isn’t all green grass and lush pastures. There are definitely some dirt patches where the grass has died. I just don’t focus on that. If I focused on the dirt life would be bleak and I would lose my joy.

I know that would make those who want to see me fail, or who want what I have very happy, but I’m not going to lose my joy. It is my secret weapon against having schizophrenia, and it is almost like a super power. I’m not giving up or giving in. I’m going to win and those who hate that are just going to have to hate that – I’m not going to curl up and stop trying because someone is in competition or envious of a woman who has schizophrenia. See how ridiculous that sounds? It sounds that way, because it is.

Look At The Moon It Could Increase Your Joy

11 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by in hope, writing

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I love life, but life is not easy. Most people are dealing with an illness or the illness of a family member or friend. There are days when the dishwasher breaks, your car won’t start, your boss says something critical. On those days we can lose our perspective. Life can seem more like work and difficulty and less like wonderment, and beauty.

It is also difficult if you are plugged in to social media not to get discouraged and frightened about our future. There is ISIS, there is the crisis in Syria, there is climate change, there is famine, and there is the risk of disease. All of this information can be overwhelming. It can make the strongest optimists among us feel the twinges of fear and hopelessness.

There is so much pain, suffering, greed and pure evil in the world, it is often hard to notice that the leaves on the trees have changed and are falling, the night comes earlier, and the days get shorter, the stars continue to shine, and the moon is high in the sky even if you can’t see it. And that is the secret – the moon says it all. It is there every night, just like the beauty and love in life, even if we can’t always see it.

I don’t wait at the window every night and search for the moon, although I should. I should look for the wonder, for the joy, for the small miracles that surround me every day and are threatened to be covered by clouds of negativity. Most times when I see the moon, it is by accident. I am going to the grocery store and I catch a glimpse of a globe glowing in the sky, or the clouds break and I catch a sliver hanging in the darkness. The same is true of the mysteries and enchantment of life. I catch glimpses of it as I go about my day – someone buys a sandwich or cup of coffee for a homeless person, someone helps me pick up the bag of books I dropped, someone returns my cell phone to the lost and found, someone gives me a discount when I didn’t ask or expect one, the flowers bloom and it’s not spring, I hear a song that reminds me of first love, people  smile at me, people laugh, people hold hands, people lock arms and they kiss.

The amazement is for the young and old. No one has any more access to the beauty than any other. We can be a part of the magic too. We can actually help people glimpse the moon unexpectedly. We can make people feel special. We can make people feel seen and heard. We can do something kind or thoughtful for our coworkers, a stranger, or a friend. We can all smile at the people we see. We can listen to someone’s heartache. We can buy someone a chocolate bar for no reason. We can buy a stranger a cup of coffee. We can offer our seat on the bus. We can let someone go in front of us in line.

We have the power to help people notice that the moon in all of its stages. We can give everyone a view from our window so they can experience the wonder of the daily tides.