Tag Archives: mental health

A Look Back Over Three Years

23 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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In March, I celebrated this blog’s third anniversary. In the three years that I have been writing about life with schizophrenia, I think I have tried to keep one message in the forefront, and that is, people with schizophrenia can look, act, care about, and live a life similar to everyone else.

Of course, I have also made sure to point out that everyone with schizophrenia is different. Just like everyone without schizophrenia is unique, so are we, and so is the way the illness manifests in each of us. Those of us who have schizophrenia may share similar symptoms, but how we experience those symptoms and the level to which they impact us varies tremendously.

I hope from reading my blog that people have more of a sense of compassion and understanding for those of us living with this brain disease. The biggest issue in helping is first to be able to relate to us as human beings. We were all born the same way everyone else was born. We all have or had a mother and a father.

Many of us have people who love and care about us, and that would be true if we were in the hospital, in prison or living on the streets. Just because someone has lost touch with reality and appeared to be a loner, doesn’t mean they don’t have family or someone looking for them, or that cares about their well being.

Schizophrenia is not yet curable, but for many people, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is a chronic illness like other chronic illnesses, and it is possible for some people to manage it as such. (There are, of course, people who are medication resistant, or who doctors haven’t found the best or workable combination of medications to help them reach their full potential). And there are others who manage without medication at all (an impossible scenario for someone like me).

In my three years blogging, I have tried to write against stigma. I have tried to write against stereotypes. I have tried to put the most human face on schizophrenia that I possibly can. I have shared some of my childhood here. I have shared some of my heartaches here. I have shared some of my joys, my strengths, and my weaknesses.

I have tried to make myself as three dimensional, and as like everyone else as possible, because I believe before there will be a better treatment environment for the mentally ill, everyone has to see something in those struggling that reminds them of themselves.

This blog is dedicated to those people who can’t show you what they love, what makes them happy, what they hope for and dream about, I can only hope I have been a voice for those people. I want all of our lives to be better, and I hope I have created a bit of that here.

 

 

 

 

Taking a Break

19 Saturday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, heroes, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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When I went to bed last night, I had no intention of waking up at 4 AM to watch the Royal Wedding. It just so happened, though, that I woke up at 4:30 this morning, so after I made coffee, and poured a glass of water, I sat on the couch and turned on the television. When I turned on the tv, Meghan and Harry were preparing to exchange vows. I spent the next forty to sixty minutes weeping. The tears were flowing so steadily out of my eyes that my hair and face were all wet. I can’t believe that this modern day fairy tale impacted me in such an emotional way.

When I was a little girl, I can’t remember ever wanting to be something when I grew up. In fact, I can’t remember ever answering that question that so many adults ask little kids as they grow. There were very few Disney Princesses in the early 70’s (Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are the only two I can think of), and my first trip to Disneyland as a twelve-year-old was a disaster (for the record, I hated it). Because of these things, I don’t think I wished I was a princess growing up. So, that isn’t why the Royal Wedding made me so emotional.

Late this afternoon, I told my husband how I had wept through the ceremony, and I asked him why he thought I had that response. My husband thought it was because the news has been so bad, for so long, and there is so much negativity that the wedding was a chance to experience a love story, something beautiful, and all the hatred and racism we have been experiencing didn’t exist, at least for a moment.

I think my husband is right. The nightly news and bombardment of news on social media are impacting my mental health. Rarely do I see a story that is hopeful, uplifting, a connection between people and our shared humanity. I know that I can’t turn my back on current events entirely, because to do so is to be part of the problem. I am going to commit some of my days to reading stories or essays written by writers that deal with something besides Russia, war, guns, lies, investigations, impeachment, corruption, racism, bigotry, misogyny, etc. I can’t keep up this soul-crushing pace of bad news and negativity and keep a firm grasp on good mental health.

I hope that if you spend a good chunk of time on social media or watching the news that you will join me in adding some soul-enriching writing or entertainment to your day or week. I know taking a walk to the park helps clear my head a lot, but there is no substitute for reading an uplifting story of human compassion, love, selflessness, or heroism. I am going to be returning to my bookshelves with a renewed interest, and after that, I might take a trip to our city’s beautiful library. Hey, that’s a good idea for an outing. I’ll meet you in the biography aisle.

 

The Long Road to Recovery

18 Friday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I know I wrote about identity recently; introducing and thinking of myself first and foremost as someone who lives with schizophrenia. I’ve thought more about it, and I discovered that the more I concentrate on developing a routine that includes journaling, sketching, blog posts, mini-essays for social media, and a few projects I am working on with other writers, the less I identify as someone with schizophrenia.

I have to say that I honestly think giving people with a brain illness something meaningful to do is an important part of helping them to live a fulfilling life. The more things I add to my schedule (like writing a blog post, or writing a poem, or sketching a picture, or taking a walk) the happier I am. At night before bed, I fill out a journal called, “Every Day is Epic” and I have found that the more productive I was during the day the higher I score my overall day on the “Epic Meter.”

I know that I can’t go back to working a forty hour a week job, and I am not having any luck finding a part-time job that I think would be a good fit for me. So, I have come up with some book ideas (to co-author with other writers), and I think that the book ideas (projects) are a good way to use my time, talents, and produce some income. I haven’t been successful at working on the projects for a set amount of time every day, but I am trying to work up to that.

No one taught me how to live a fulfilling life while managing the symptoms of schizophrenia. I have had to forge a path of my own making, and I think I am getting increasingly better at it. I am sure that therapists and counselors, and psychiatrists know that it isn’t healthy to think of your illness as who or what you are.

I am sure professionals also know that having meaningful tasks to do make a person happier, but they don’t usually spend enough time with patients or clients to discover how to implement those things into real life. Also, they may not be aware that someone thinks of themselves first as someone with schizophrenia before they think of themselves as say, a writer, teacher, painter, baker, cook, artist, quilter, knitter, etc. Also, they may focus on if someone is hearing voices or not, and not how that person is spending their days (like are they sitting around in a room all day with no one to talk to and no meaningful tasks to accomplish).

My goals are to write for two to five hours a day. I don’t know if I can do that, but I feel like it is possible and I am going to shoot for it (maybe starting with a half hour, or an hour at a time). Spending five hours a day at something may not sound like a lot to many people. It would be a huge accomplishment for me, though, and every minute I am writing, I am identifying not as someone with schizophrenia, but as a writer, or an artist or a business partner (with the co-authors of the projects).

I am working my way toward recovery one day at a time, and I think I am discovering some life-changing treasures along the way. I hope we can share the riches together and all live more productive, fulfilling, and meaningful lives.

 

Looking for Support? Don’ t Trust the Web

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, heroes, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Trigger Warning: Suicide

There is so much that is helpful and beneficial on the internet, and there is so much that is harmful and negative. Three of the things I love most about the internet is the ability to network with writers, and mental health advocates/agencies/nonprofits, the access to many university-level classes in writing, and the access to information to satisfy my curiosity or for research.

But like I mentioned before, the internet is not all healthy, rewarding, educational. Two of the things that I find harmful on the internet is the comment section under articles I write (I have written about suicide and had people comment that I should kill myself), and the support groups that are unmoderated on social media like Facebook.

There are several groups for people with schizophrenia, and so frequently I see young women posting pictures of themselves in the groups, and it appears they are simply looking for attention. I don’t see how that is at all relevant to schizophrenia or helping or supporting others. There are also posts that frequently say that the person is thinking of harming their self. I think it is awful to post those kinds of alarming situations anonymously in a group of people who are already dealing with mental health issues. Of course, those posts get hundreds of responses asking how to contact the person, how to report the post to Facebook, asking the person to call a crisis line, etc.

I realize that some people are all alone and have nowhere else to post their pain and their struggles, but it isn’t safe to do that sort of thing on social media or anywhere else on the internet. If you are in crisis, there are people just waiting to tell you to go ahead and harm yourself. There are also trolls that use those rooms/groups to play jokes on people (of course I don’t think it is funny, but they do).

I love the internet, and I am addicted to social media but other than using it to network with people (helping me stay less isolated), I don’t use it to better my mental health. I know that resources are few and money is tight for so many people, but if you are using the internet to get support, or get advice, make sure that you are dealing with a group or people who are safe and legitimate.

Please don’t post about a crisis and expect professional help. If you are having a crisis, please go to the nearest hospital or call your local crisis line. The internet is great and provides so many benefits to our lives but it can also be dark and dangerous, and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.  Stay safe friends.

It is all About the Risk

12 Saturday May 2018

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People with schizophrenia (and those without) frequently have difficulty in social situations. I figured out what the big deal is behind some of the anxiety, discomfort, awkwardness of social situations for so many of us, and what I discovered was that it has to do with risk. We all have to risk something to be around other people and interact with them.

I am in a class right now, and I am required to critique other writer’s work. I critiqued one woman’s essay and completely misunderstood what she wrote. She may have thought that I am dense, or that I am a poor reader, others in the class may have thought that my schizophrenia impacts my cognitive abilities or many other things. The point is, to be in the class, I have to take risks. I have to risk looking stupid. I have to risk misunderstandings of all kinds. There is so much to risk just by taking a class.

Going to parties, or having a job, or going to coffee with a friend, all of these things require risks on different levels. Having a job involves a lot more risk than going to a party, and having coffee with a friend requires less risk than that of attending a party. But all social interactions require us to take risks. The better we are at taking risks, and recovering from flaws, mistakes, failures, etc. probably corresponds with our level of anxiety about being with people.

Before I was on medication, making a mistake or being embarrassed could cause me to spend the whole night awake thinking about what a fool or failure I was, and I would play the incident out in my head over and over again. I would torture myself. Now, that I am on medication, and my inner voice is very subdued, if not almost non-existent, I am not as hard on myself. I wonder if some of this has to do with age and the fact that I am more gentle with myself in general? I’m not sure, but for whatever reason, I recover much quicker from social “mistakes” than I used to.

I think this “recovery” from slip-ups, missteps, accidents, misunderstandings, etc. is what keeps me from slipping into complete social isolation. I am not “horrified” that I am an imperfect person and that those imperfections play out in the social arena every time I enter it. I also don’t consider myself a complete failure or idiot for making a mistake or looking foolish.

This discovery felt very relevant to me this morning after thinking about my class and my interactions with other people.

A Change of Identity

10 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I applied for a blogging job (writing about schizophrenia), and the editor said I wasn’t a good fit. I waited months to hear from the company, and I held on to hope all of that time that I might finally have a part-time job. So, I cried when I received the e-mail rejecting me. I received a gift from my brother and his partner the same day in the mail that said, “We heart you” so, thankfully there was a band-aid for my wound.

Considering I wrote about happiness yesterday and trying to love the negative along with loving the positive, I tried to love the news about the blogging job (it took me a couple of days to get around to even considering loving this news).

For almost twenty years I hid the fact that I have a mental illness. I hid my diagnosis from family (my husband’s) as well as friends. I didn’t tell people about my illness because I was ashamed of it. Then, three years ago, I posted an essay on Facebook and opened up to the whole world. That opening up, revealing my diagnosis, has not been a bad experience. I have met wonderful people, and feel that I have grown into a role as an advocate/voice for people with schizophrenia and other brain illnesses.

Hiding an illness takes a lot of energy and the shame and embarrassment behind the decision to hide it wears on a person, too. Coming out in as bold a fashion as I did (starting a blog, writing dozens of articles and essay and publishing a book) puts the focus squarely on the identity of illness. I was saying loudly, clearly, and to everyone that would listen, that I have schizophrenia.

While I was shouting to the world that I have schizophrenia I was also trying to convince and tell people that I am a wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt, writer, student, etc. but I don’t think that message was nearly as loud or nearly as obvious.

Well, not getting the job as a blogger who writes exclusively about schizophrenia pushed me a way I have not been pushed before. From now on, I am going to introduce myself to the world as a writer first and somewhere down the line as someone with schizophrenia (if that even comes up). I am no longer going to center my identity around someone who has schizophrenia.

If I had landed the job blogging twice a week about schizophrenia, I would have to be thinking about my illness all the time, researching, writing and constantly trying to find ideas to write about. I am currently taking a class for writing non-fiction (something I regularly do), and I am not writing about schizophrenia. I am writing about my life as a kid, growing up, my family, mistakes I made, etc. In fact, every assignment but one has been about my life before I even knew I had a mental illness.

So, am I happy now? Do I love the negative along with the positive? I don’t know if I love the negative, but if you read this blog, you can see I certainly have reason to be hopeful and even thankful I didn’t get the blogging job.

There might be something to this theory about happiness after all.

Is it Possible to be Happy and Have Schizophrenia? Spoiler: Yes.

09 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by in caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Last night before going to bed, I read a long article about happiness. Of course, I thought I would remember which magazine it was in so I could write about it today, but I can’t. I tried Googling words and phrases from the article, but it turns out there are a lot of articles, essays, and general information about happiness on the internet.

What stood out about this article to me was the idea that you have to love the challenges and negative things in your life to be truly happy, and you have to look at life as a game. In the article, the author wrote about how if you view life as a game you wouldn’t want that game to be without challenges.

Okay, so before drifting off to sleep, I started thinking of my diverticulitis which has completely changed my life. I am so careful about what I eat, how much I eat, how much fiber I get, eating fruits and vegetables, and we used to go out to eat all of the time, and now I would prefer to eat at home. It also presents challenges when we are traveling, so we don’t travel as much.

What can I love about diverticulitis? Well, I eat 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. That is something to love about diverticulitis. Having the illness got me to eat a healthier diet. Also, I am by far more mindful of what I put in my body. This isn’t to say, I don’t eat potato chips and chocolate, I do, but I never engage in mindless eating now when before I did. Lastly, having diverticulitis helped me learn that I have willpower and a great deal of control over my actions. Okay, so those were the only things I thought I could stretch and say that I love about having diverticulitis.

After I did the exercise with diverticulitis, I had to try schizophrenia. Is there anything I can love about having schizophrenia? Even writing the word love and schizophrenia in the same sentence is difficult, but I am going to move past that and try the exercise.

I like the woman I am with schizophrenia, and I don’t know who that woman is anymore without schizophrenia. There are symptoms that I know are my illness, but there are other things about me where I can’t separate the illness from my personality. So, by loving/liking myself, I could also say I love/like schizophrenia (definitely not all of it!). But there are a few things worth mentioning; I think schizophrenia has increased my compassion, and having schizophrenia has made me more empathetic. Schizophrenia has helped me see the bigger picture which includes me, and many others who are both like, and not like, me. Schizophrenia has helped me make connections in my brain and my thinking that I might not otherwise make.

There you have it; I was able to love two of my biggest health concerns for some of the things they bring into my life. Am I one step closer to happiness? Well, I already consider myself happy, so no, but if I keep looking for the positive buried in the negative I might end up being deliriously happy, who knows?

Progress, but Beware

07 Monday May 2018

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A digital pill, one that allows doctors or family members to monitor compliance with medications, was approved by the FDA. It is revolutionary. It sounds like the perfect solution for seniors who have complicated medication routines and need help remembering when to take this or that pill. The dark side of the discovery is that the potential for overreach and abuse is enormous.

The pill, equipped with a sensor, is activated when it hits stomach fluid and sends that data to a patch worn on the rib cage of the user. The information is then transmitted via smartphone to everyone “approved,” by the user.

That all sounds on the up and up and if my grandparents were still alive it would have made life so much easier for me because getting them to take their medications at the right time was an obstacle we never fully conquered. But this digital breakthrough wasn’t approved for pills for blood pressure or Alzheimer’s, or statins. It was approved for Abilify, an antipsychotic medication used mostly for people with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and in some cases depression.

If that doesn’t sound alarming to you, maybe you don’t know the history of mentally ill people’s treatment in this country. A quick Google search will reveal that before the time of World War II many doctors believed in, and practiced, eugenics. Up until the 1970’s some states still had sterilization laws on the books. And of course, there were life-long stays in institutions. Few can claim ignorance about the lobotomy with the last “procedure” performed in 1967. And today, it is difficult to get treatment for a mental illness, and many people who suffer from one are on the streets or in prison.

With that being our history can you blame those of us with an illness like schizophrenia from being concerned? Will the pill be used to coerce parolees to take their medications? Will psychiatric facilities require the use of the digital pill before recommending release back into the community? Will Social Security require those on disability to report their medication compliance?

If schizophrenia weren’t the most demonized of the mental illnesses, I wouldn’t be as concerned. But the fact is every time there is a mass shooting in this country the media is quick to bring up the possibility of schizophrenia, and Hollywood doesn’t help that image at all as they never seem to tire of writing the creepy, lone killer as someone suffering from schizophrenia.

The reality is that mass shootings are more tied to a history of domestic violence than anything else and that people with schizophrenia are more likely to be the victims of crimes than the perpetrators of a crime. Also, they are more likely to hurt themselves than others.

It would be convenient for the public, lawmakers, and caregivers if everyone with a mental illness could be chemically restrained and there was a way to monitor and track that. I think everyone would sleep better at night, but it is a false sense of safety and a violation of rights.

I would like everyone who suffers from the same brain disease as I do to have as close as possible to a “normal” life, but that should remain their choice even if most people believe those who are ill are incapable of making that decision.

Hopefully, the people prescribing this new technology set limits on its use.

Self-Help? Pop Psychology? Maybe, a Little

03 Thursday May 2018

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As many of you know, I struggle with a lack of motivation, and I’m not a big fan of self-help or pop psychology to deal with this issue. I have found a morning and bedtime routine that helps me so much, though, and the whole thing would probably fall under the categories of self-care or pop psychology. I find this amazing because I normally stick to psychiatry as a way of dealing with my symptoms.

I bought seven books ( I will list them at the end of this post) all designed either to increase productivity, increase happiness, or to increase creativity. Each of them is available on Amazon.

Every morning, I work through one exercise in each of the six books, and then I do one book before bed. I recently added a color meditation to my morning routine where I sketch a color picture for 15-30 minutes a day as well.

The progress I have made in productivity and generating ideas for writing is significant. It used to be on a bad day, or low productivity day I wouldn’t get anything done. I would spend the whole day watching news and scrolling through social media with a little reading of essays and blogs thrown in. Now, even if I have a low productivity day, I can tell myself at least I did a sketch, a writing exercise, and six happiness/productivity exercises.

It isn’t much to brag about regarding accomplishing something, but the exercises do make me happier. So many of the exercises are about generating gratitude lists, thinking about things you enjoy, listing your favorite foods, or scents, etc. All these things get me to think about things that are positive. I rarely think about schizophrenia while I am doing my exercises. And each night I go to bed on a happy note having filled out the page about how my day was epic (it is an epic journal).

I am trying so hard to get my life on track and be a productive and contributing member of society as well as experience as few symptoms as possible. The only other thing I have added to my day is taking two to three short walks outside. I read a study that people who left their technology at home and took a walk every day making an effort to notice the trees, the houses, the birds, the flowers, etc. showed a significant and verifiable increase in their well being. So far, I use the time to call family members, so I am getting the exercise and the fresh air but not the benefit of noticing my surroundings (I’m working on it!)

Below is a list of the books I am using in this experiment. My new routine takes commitment to try to overcome symptoms and live a more productive life. For someone like me who lacks motivation, this seems like an impossible task, but honestly, after doing it for a month, I wouldn’t give it up. It makes a huge difference in my attitude, my wellness, and my days.  I’m not giving up my medication or my doctors, but I might need less help managing my anxiety and other symptoms.

 

Panda Planner

642 Things to Write About

Life by Design: 52 Lists, Questions, and Inspirations for Finding Your Happiness

How to be Happy (or at Least Less Sad)

52 Lists for Happiness

Start Where You Are: A Journal for Self-Exploration

Every Day is Epic

Many Sides to the Same Story

01 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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We have to be complicated and complex enough to hold two extremes in our hearts and our minds.

I try very hard to present as someone with schizophrenia who blends into a crowd. I am someone who is college educated, married, has been both poor and middle class, struggles with health issues, and looking for work. I am someone who is happy, gets angry, envious, tired, anxious, etc. like almost everyone else.

That is the point; I try to show the world how much I am like the average woman at the grocery store, or gas station, or restaurant. I want this image of people with schizophrenia to be more common in our books, movies and everywhere in our lives, but the truth is, there are other sides to schizophrenia that exist as well, and we can’t overlook them or pretend that they are simply stereotypes.

Some people are suffering from hallucinations who can’t take care of their basic needs and who end up on the street. There are others who commit petty crimes and go from prison to street, prison to the street in an endless cycle. There are also people who have support or family that help them get into treatment or residential facilities, but who suffer too much from symptoms to live on their own. And there are those, the ones I hate to admit have the same illness I do, who are violent or dangerous.

Somehow in our advocacy, we must embrace, or address, all these different manifestations of the same illness because to not do so is either seeing schizophrenia through rose-colored glasses or seeing it as the stereotypes the media portrays.

We need more people speaking out and showing us their average lives because we have lived too long with the opposite of that reality, but it is important when we write letters and vote on election day not to forget those who are in different circumstances than us. Those people who refuse medication or who medication doesn’t completely eradicate symptoms.

The only way I know how to be an advocate for all of us is to continue to remember that I am not a spokesperson for everyone with the disease. It is different for everyone, and to remember to talk about those who are still overcome by symptoms, or lack of treatment, or poverty, or medication resistance.

The best I can do is write not only about myself but those on the streets and in prison and in other situations so that people don’t get the impression that schizophrenia is not an issue that needs further study, funding, programs, and legislation.

Oh, how cliché the truth – it’s complicated.