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Tag Archives: paranoia

007, Schizophrenia, and Writing

02 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

artist, conspiracy, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, publish, publishing, schizophrenia], symptoms, wellness, writer, writing

I type out the last sentence, sit back, take a sip of my coffee and read the whole essay through one more time. “I think this is good,” I tell myself. I make sure to save it one more time. It is under the file on my computer that no one else sees, the one named after the James Bond film, “For Your Eyes Only.” I sing a few words from the theme song out loud and try not to think how my work, probably my best work, is in that file that only I will see.

I once tried to post one of the files from “For Your Eyes Only” on my blog, but I couldn’t stop the racing thoughts. The article was about a company that makes video games. I thought one of their games was demeaning to people with schizophrenia. I wanted to have my voice heard. I wanted to publish my views on the game so others could read it and decide for themselves. I wanted to express another side of their story. The article was up for approximately one hour before the thoughts about internet trolls and how they make death threats and harass writers they don’t agree with defeated my publishing attempt.

This past year is different from every year prior. I watch the news every day. I feel strongly about and am outraged by many things. There are essays and articles that I don’t see written about the hypocrisy of so many politicians. I am a Christian and the things some of the most vocal Christian are saying about politicians being “ordained by God,” make me feel like Christianity has fractured more than just Methodist and Lutheran – there are fundamental beliefs that some people hold that are in direct opposition to the ones other’s hold. At this point, it is clearly a separate religion. I have an essay about it, but I fear to take a stand against the Christian Right.

So many people romanticize being an artist and having a severe mental illness. I once did the same thing. I thought reading the poems of Anne Sexton, and Sylvia Plath made me dark and edgy. I thought artists needed to be dark and edgy, especially poets which is what my younger twenty-something-self desired to be. I used to tell people that I thought I could drive myself over the edge, make myself crazy  – like really crazy, like “Girl Interrupted,” crazy. That was all before I had my first psychotic episode. That was all before there was no more “acting” edgy, or “acting” dark. My mind was dark, and I wouldn’t call hallucinations, delusions, or suicidal tendencies “edgy.”

My first diagnosis was bipolar disorder. I still held on to some of the romance of mental illness – brilliance. I looked up every famous person with bipolar disorder. I read books about them. So much talent, so much intelligence. I might not be able to play at being edgy anymore, but I could show signs of intense creativity and intelligence. I wanted so hard to believe like so many people do, that mental illness is somehow a gift. Gift of the gods they say. I gave up all notion of romance when I ended up in a hospital room with doctor and nurses using paddles to start my heart. This illness, this disease of the mind, was trying its hardest to kill me and as far as I can tell there is no great evidence of creativity or genius after death.

I started taking my medication regularly, even though on the medication I no longer felt like writing poetry, or writing anything for that matter. I put the romance behind me to stay alive, and that included my desire to be a poet and identify with the ill geniuses, creative and otherwise. I married my boyfriend and lived a pretty quiet life for some years. My psychiatrist at the time said I was “too well” to be mentally ill and said that my previous psychotic episodes were caused by trauma. He took me off all medication. Within one year, I was having conversations with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I believed the second coming was just days away and I spent six months believing I was a healer. I made cakes. I made more cakes. I made three cakes a day. I gave them to the mailman. I gave them to everyone living in our apartment building. I believed my cakes could cure anything from cancer to MS. I wanted everyone well. The hall of our building smelled like a bakery for months. I ended up in the E.R. with suicidal thoughts, and that led to a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.

It took almost twenty years to discover the root of my problem, but here we were, my husband and I, with a diagnosis that seemed bigger and scarier than either of us knew how to handle. The two words paranoid and schizophrenia even sound scary. Having them placed on me as an identifier as in, “I am someone with paranoid schizophrenia,” was almost more than I could take.  But as with any illness, you keep moving forward – a step here, a movement there, a jump, and then without realizing it you have been living with that illness for a month, six months, a year, ten years, and you go on.

Even though I had received my bachelor of arts long ago, I was never one to give up learning. I enrolled in several poetry classes at UCLA’s Online Extension and Gotham Writer’s Workshop, and I even joined a local poetry group. I was rusty, but I wasn’t dead. I started publishing again and getting support and feedback from poets I trusted and respected. I applied and was accepted to an MFA program.

Once in the MFA program, I was required to take classes beyond poetry. Having never thought of an idea for a novel in my life, I avoided the fiction classes and took a non-fiction class. I fell in love with the longer form. I fell in love with writing essays instead poems. I asked to change majors but found out I would have to start the program over. I wasn’t willing to do that. I kept taking writing classes online, but this time they were non-fiction classes instead of poetry classes. I started to publish some of those pieces. And the more I learned, the more I wanted to write about what I saw, how I felt, and responses to popular culture and the world around me. I thought my biggest obstacle would be going public with my new diagnosis, but that wasn’t it. My biggest obstacle was a symptom of the illness I had thus far been hiding.

I went public with my diagnosis in an essay posted to Facebook by a mentor and friend. The post was how all of my friends and my husband’s family found out about me having paranoid schizophrenia. My husband and I planned for a year before we agreed to the announcement date. We thought people would disappear. We thought people would be angry, confused, and we braced ourselves for people making an exodus from our lives. Well, people were far more graceful than we could have imagined and if those two words that make up my diagnosis scared anyone away, we haven’t missed them, but what all this writing and exposing of myself did was make me hyper-aware of my symptoms.

Paranoia means I can’t publish essays that devel into my feelings about this president or any other. I am terrified of openly criticizing corporations; I fear their reach and power is so much bigger than a person like me. I’m not currently suffering from delusions like that the government is wire taping me (I have believed this and feared it in the past), or that I am in contact with aliens or hearing the voice of God. I do not hear voices at all. But I do live in a fragile state where I am afraid of what people will do to me if I oppose them, challenge them, or offend them.

Living with paranoia is my biggest challenge as a writer/artist. Not being able to fully express myself because I fear being targeted by internet trolls, the government or large corporations can keep me silent, and it can kill creativity. I might not be able to speak up, but I’m grateful my creativity isn’t dead.  The proof of it is for my eyes only in a folder that sits on my hard drive where only me and James Bond, or someone posing as him, can gain access.

Publicizing Pain

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, caregivers, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

bipolar, expoitation, Instagram, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, photography, schizophrenia], substance abuse, time

This morning my husband handed me a copy of the February 12th issue of Time magazine that he had opened to a story. “Read this and let me know what you think,” he said. The title of the article is, “Her Mother’s Mind.” It is about a photographer, Melissa Spitz and the pictures she takes of her mother and posts on Instagram (apparently she has over 14,000 followers). Melissa’s mother has the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and substance abuse.  Melissa has posted over 6,000 pictures of her mother online, the account is called, “You Have Nothing to Worry About.”

I haven’t seen the Instagram account, but I assume Time magazine tried to pick some of the pictures they thought were representative of the project. There are six photographs in total. The largest photo is the photographer in the mirror with her mother. Her mother has clips and rollers in her hair and is putting something on her bare face (lotion, or something). The photographer is slightly in the background with her camera. Two of the pictures are of Deborah (Melissa’s mother) smoking – one in a car and one in a chair with a blanket full of what I can only assume are cigarette burns.

Let me just say that I hate this project. I find it exploitive in every way. First, I think Deborah looks like an average woman; except one image where she is in what appears to be a hospital bed with her arms stretched toward the ceiling. People can disagree with me on this, and I’m sure some do, but I think this is the worst form of sensationalizing mental illness. I had some pictures of me when I was psychotic, and they haunt me. I look lost, I look far away, and I look ill. Is that how I look today? No. Would I want those pictures posted online for everyone to see what a “crazy” woman looks like? No.

The article says that Deborah occasionally asks Melissa if the photographs are really helping people and Melissa tells her yes.  There is a quote in the article from Melissa, “This is my way of coping, of making art out of chaos.” It sounds to me like the project has more to do with the photographer and her wants, dreams, desires, etc. than it does with Deborah whose most vulnerable and intimate states are made public.

 

A Difficult Day With My Constant Companion – Schizophrenia

20 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, relationships, schizophenia, Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

anxiety, daily activities, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, panic attack, paranoia, schizophrenia], wellness

Besides being psychotic, one of the hardest parts of having schizophrenia for me is making plans to do something like go on a trip, go to brunch, attend a conference, start a job, or any other normal activity and then have those plans completely shattered by anxiety or paranoia.

I had a simple meeting with an advisor today, and ten minutes in, I walked out and left everyone sitting there. I couldn’t sit one more minute, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t sit still. I walked to our car; I tried to lay down and rest. I walked back to the office where my husband and two other people were talking, and I sat down for a few minutes, and then I excused myself. I walked to Starbucks, bought a banana, ate half of it, sat in one of the lobby chairs for a few minutes then joined the meeting again.

Seriously? I can’t hold it together long enough to have an hour-long meeting about a topic that directly impacts my life and well-being? If I weren’t so stressed out, I would cry. I ended up making it through the last fifteen minutes of the meeting, and I am home now where I had to take an extra dose of medication to settle down.

When I was younger, I had many more episodes of psychosis, and except those, I had a much easier time carrying on with the daily details of life. Now, I can have the best intentions, and I am unable to see through some of the simplest tasks.

It is so frustrating, humiliating, and discouraging to wake up, feel fine, and start going about the plans for the day then to feel overwhelmed by anxiety or paranoia (most often anxiety). A panic attack can strike anywhere at anytime no matter what your intentions are or how important what you are doing is.

I know that I am lucky that I can sort out my thoughts enough to write articles and essays, but that is only a small part of being a functioning adult – there is so much that needs to happen on a regular basis, and so often I am incapable of making that happen.

My husband has endless patience with me, but I do not have the same patience with myself.

Today, was rotten, and I am feeling a little sorry for myself for having to live with the symptoms of schizophrenia. I’ll get over it, but I need this minute – can everyone just give me this minute, please?

 

Think Twice Before You Lie to Someone with Schizophrenia

10 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by A Journey With You in caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

delusions, hallucinations, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, psychosis, psychotic, truth, wellness

I just ate a piece of bread with hummus on it from a woman giving out samples in Costco. For some reason, the bread or the hummus tastes differently to me. Fear overcomes me. I begin to think the food may contain poison. I start looking for my husband who I left in the computer aisle. When I find my husband, I ask him to go to the woman and taste the food. He recognizes the fear and urgency in my voice so although he is not hungry and doesn’t like to sample foods, he goes to where she is standing and waits in line for a sample. He tastes it. “It is fine,” he tells me. “It tastes good.” This moment is critical, I will either be comforted by my husband’s words, or I will move into a full-blown panic. This time, it works, and I immediately begin to calm down.

The scenario I just typed is one example and one incident among hundreds that happen in one variation or another in our lives. I fear something. My husband tries to show me or tell me why the fear is irrational. He never tries to help me condescendingly. He does it factually, and straightforwardly.

This example of trust is why I titled this blog post, “Think Twice Before You Lie to Someone with Schizophrenia.” I know that it might seem easier sometimes to lie to someone who is paranoid or psychotic, but in the long run, and in my experience, it will damage how much you can help that person in the future.

I have built twenty years of trust with my husband. He is one of the few, if not the only, people who I believe all of the time. That isn’t to say that his honesty with me comforts me one hundred percent of the time, but it does about seventy-five percent of the time, and that is a lot. If we can prevent seventy-five out of one hundred panic attacks or episodes of extreme paranoia, I think that is pretty good. (The number may be higher, I don’t know. I just know it works more than it doesn’t).

I know that telling a lie to someone to get them to go into treatment if they are actively psychotic may be necessary, (and if it helps someone to get the help they need, I am all for it). But I would weigh those situations before deciding to be untruthful. The consequences of lying can last far into a person’s recovery and treatment.  Without someone who I trust, who knows how many times I would have struggled severely with hallucinations, delusions, paranoia and other symptoms. Having someone to trust can be as good as a potent medication at times when symptoms don’t have a strong grip on someone with schizophrenia.

The Realities Of Paranoia And Internalized Stigma

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

artists, bands, Blogging, blogs, essay, fear, internalized stigma, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, music, musicians, paranoia, Psych Central, relationships, schizophrenia], stigma, writer

Today is one of the days that I blog for Psych Central. I try to blog for that site every Tuesday and Friday (occasionally I can’t make that schedule). Anyway, I woke up and wrote a blog about relationships that I thought was fantastic and then paranoia started to creep in. Thoughts like, “What if someone takes my advice and they die? What if the person reading my blog is in a violent relationship?”  So, I ended up too fearful to post my writing.

I sat at the computer with nothing. Nothing for this blog and nothing for my Psych Central blog. I did a few yoga stretches. I tried to clear my mind. I decided research was the way to go and I ended up writing this post for Psych Central. It is a blog about internalized stigma. 

If you are interested you can also read my blog post about bands and artists that I think stigmatize mental illness. It is a post I wrote over the weekend. Fans of the rock band, Disturbed disagree with my take on the video but every time you have an opinion people are going to disagree.  I don’t mind disagreement, it can lead to further understanding.

 

If You Were To Make Me A Character In Your Writing, What Would You Say?

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, writing

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

author, college, creative nonfiction, delusions, disability, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, psychiatry, psychology, reality, schizophrenia, symptoms, writer, writing

I am taking a creative nonfiction class online from UCLA. One of the students in the class wrote an essay about himself and a relative or friend of his, whose name is, Richard. I loved the way the author of the story described Richard – wearing a helmet, slapping his hands to his head, wringing his hands, excited hoots and hollers. By the way that the author described Richard it was obvious to the reader that Richard had a disability of some kind, but the author never labels Richard, and he never discloses the disability. Richard is just a person with unique characteristics.

This made me think about my illness. How would another writer describe me, letting the reader know that I have a disability, but never naming the disability? What would be written? What could a writer say about my behavior that might help a reader guess that I have schizophrenia without spelling it out?

Of course, the writer could make it easy, and say that I was talking to voices that no one else could see, but that wouldn’t be an accurate portrayal of my everyday life.

The writer could also tell the readers that I believe some elaborate conspiracy theory about aliens, or a secret government agency, but again, that wouldn’t be an accurate portrayal of my everyday life.

In order to be true to my real experience. The author would have to know me very well, or be a very keen observer, in order to detect my symptoms and describe them accurately to a reader.

This imaginary writer, who is writing about me, without labeling me, but wanting the reader to know I have a disability, would probably start out by having me eating a meal. S/he could say that I thought my food tasted funny and have me end up either pushing my food around my plate pretending to eat a little bit of it, or changing my plate of food for whatever my husband may have ordered.

The writer could have my husband and I traveling on an airplane. I might be visibly agitated. My husband trying to do everything to distract and comfort me. I may end up taking a pill and later calming down enough to play hangman with my husband or read an article.

The writer might have me at a conference, or with a group of people and then follow me home, where I can’t get comfortable. I walk between my bedroom and my living room. I curl up on my bed for a few minutes and then get up and go to the computer to check my e-mail. Nothing I do seems to make me happy. I am agitated. I may end up taking a pill and going to sleep for half of an hour. I wake up and I no longer need to move from room to room.

No matter how the writer described me, if s/he was true to my daily experiences, then it is doubtful that the reader would guess that my  disability is schizophrenia.

I find both joy and sorrow in this reality. I find joy knowing that my illness isn’t easily identifiable, I find sorrow knowing that the stereotypes are so ingrained in our culture that few if any could recognize a severe mental illness if they had a description of symptoms described to them.

Like Richard, I am just a unique character, that needs no label. I hope a writer would handle me with so much affection, compassion, and care.

What Does Schizophrenia Feel Like?

24 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia

≈ 74 Comments

Tags

anxiety, cancer, delusions, halluninations, mental health, mental illness, paranoia, psychology, psychosis, psychotic, schizophrenia, social, suicide, voices, writing

No two people have schizophrenia or symptoms the exact same way. What does a day with schizophrenia look like for me? First of all, I feel like I am relatively fortunate because I am not currently hearing voices, some people (even on medication) hear voices constantly. I also feel relatively fortunate that I don’t hallucinate on a daily basis (at least not in the traditional sense that many people with schizophrenia report like shadows that look like people, etc.). I do, however, have olfactory hallucinations.

Olfactory hallucinations have to do with smelling things that aren’t there. I frequently smell things my husband can’t smell and if it is a chemical smell I will develop some paranoia about it. I may even think I have accidently eaten it and that I am dying.

Some people go in and out of psychosis. When I am psychotic, I am not at all like the person who is typing this right now.  Psychosis is totally different. For me, psychosis eventually brings terror, delusions, voices, suicidal tendencies, and distorted reality. For example, the person I love most in this world, and who is my inspiration, and who I honestly believe is the best person I have ever met, is not someone I know or love when I am psychotic. That should show you the huge difference from what I experience almost every day and what I experience when I am psychotic.

Although I am nothing like my baseline self when I am psychotic, still psychosis is not a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario. It is not multiple personality disorder. Over time, if unchecked, for me, it is more like a very creepy (terrifying) circus that has gone terribly wrong and that I am trapped in and can’t get out of.  Although I don’t experience episodes of psychosis much anymore, I live in constant fear of becoming psychotic. For me, it is the worst part of schizophrenia. It is always a real possibility that I will die during an episode of psychosis.

The two symptoms that I battle with the most on a daily basis are paranoia and anxiety. I have episodes of anxiety that make it impossible for me to do anything besides trying to relieve the anxiety. It is a catch 22 because the more I focus on relieving the anxiety, the more anxious I become. Anxiety ruins many events for me. At a writer’s conference, I will almost always be overcome with anxiety and have to leave to be by myself and try to diminish the symptoms. When I see friends, and I am socializing, I often have a panic attack and need to go home quickly. Being around people in general can easily trigger a wave of anxiety. I take medication for this, but this symptom is probably the one that keeps me from leading a “normal” life.

Paranoia comes and goes for me. I have a great deal of paranoia around food. I frequently feel like my food is poisoned and I refuse to eat it. I have all kinds of rituals around eating that make being out socially, enjoying a meal, awkward.

The worst kind of paranoia has to do with standing up for myself. When I stand up for myself I have the worst episodes of paranoia. I believe the person, or corporation, or organization, etc. that I am standing up against are going to come after me. This is one of my symptoms that I find the hardest to live with. Constantly being fearful when you are just trying to be treated decently and fairly in this world is difficult to live with. Believing that people are going to punish you for disagreeing with them is a terrible way to live. We all need to feel some form of safety and comfort and trust in order to be healthy and happy. Those things are disrupted for me by schizophrenia.

I’m not asking for your pity. I have a good life. I am trying to create understanding. Schizophrenia looks differently for everyone, but now you know a little bit more of how it feels for me. Would I say having schizophrenia is hard? Yes, I think having schizophrenia is hard. Is it harder than cancer, heart disease, or any other illness? I don’t know.

I wish that there was as much support for schizophrenia as there is for cancer – pink ribbons, pink arm bands, pink cups, walks, runs, company fundraisers, support from friends and neighbors. Schizophrenia is a lonely disease, and not too many people talk about it (unless it has to do with a crime) and people definitely aren’t turning their social media a certain color to raise awareness. Most people with schizophrenia suffer alone, or with their family (if they are lucky enough to have family). That reality may just be worse than the majority of symptoms.

Two New Blogs At Psych Central – Costumes and Paranoia

20 Tuesday Oct 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

articles, blog, Blogging, crime, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, online shopping, paranoia, Psych Central, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, victim, writing

Last week I wrote a blog on Psych Central about people wearing costumes that are supposed to depict the mentally ill.

This week I wrote a post: It Can’t Be Paranoia If It Is Really Happening. The post is about my experience with shopping online with private sellers.

I hope you will pop over there and give my still new Psych Central blog some love!

In Case You Forgot, I Have Schizophrenia

20 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, writing

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

acitivist, advocacy, Advocate, bad days, friends, hope, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoia, paranoid schizophrenia, psychosis, relationships, schizophrenia, symptoms, writing

Yesterday, two of my best friends came over (they are both writers and one has a book coming out in a couple of weeks). We were definitely not short on things to talk about. But half way through lunch I said, “I’m surprised neither one of you wrote to me today after posting on my blog and then pulling the post down a few minutes later.” They both said that they thought about it, but knew they were going to see me later that morning.

There are times when paranoid schizophrenia is not at the forefront of my mind, not often, but there are times, and I think it is easy for some people to forget that I actually have a mental illness, because I don’t see people very often and when I do, I usually am not having symptoms or I wouldn’t be socializing, or the symptoms are minimal.

Yesterday morning I was sick. After posting that blog about a specific drug company, a wave of paranoia hit me, and I immediately started to take action to make the thoughts and feelings go away – I took down the post, I sent an apology. I was paranoid that people with schizophrenia would stop taking their medications because of my post. The thought of that was making me anxious and erratic. After I did everything I could do to try to erase the post I went and curled up with my husband who was watching the news.

He knew I was suffering. I couldn’t stay still very long. I am fortunate that the paranoia didn’t keep me from spending a wonderful morning with two women I love and who I don’t see nearly enough.

I wanted to let you know that there are times my illness takes me out of commission and makes me behave in ways that only make sense to me.

If you follow my blog, you will see it occasionally, because it can’t be hidden.

I try to write what it is really like to live with paranoid schizophrenia. I try to be truthful. That means I can’t leave out the bad days or the struggles or you wouldn’t get a clear picture, and for some people it is much harder than it is for me.

I think about those people daily.  I write to make my life better, but I write to make their lives better too. If I can use my words to help better the life of anyone with schizophrenia, I am going to do it. You can bet, I’ll take the time, form the sentences, type the words, and find somewhere, somehow to get them out there. When you know what I know about psychosis, (and that some people suffer from it daily) writing is the least I can do.

A Tough day in the Life: Living with Schizophrenia

20 Thursday Aug 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

acitivist, advocacy, Advocate, bipolar, camping, cars, cosmopolitan, fun, inner child, inspiration, magazine, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, mentor, murder, paranoia, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, stigma, suicide, writing

Yesterday I was exhausted. I was so tired and beat.

I wrote a letter to Cosmopolitan about this article. 

The article is about a woman who has bipolar disorder and she has a psychotic episode and walks herself and her niece and nephew into on-coming traffic. They all die. The mother of the two children that died was the mentally ill woman’s twin sister. The article says the mother of the children has forgiven her sister and has started an advocacy organization to raise awareness about mental illness. The article uses a sensational headline, and of course, the mentally ill woman in the story committed a murder/suicide.

I pointed out the stereotypes in the article, the sensational title, and asked Cosmo if they really wanted to contribute to the stigma already surrounding mental illness. I also asked them to do a fair and balanced story of someone living successfully with a severe mental illness.  Who knows who will read my letter, and if they consider what I wrote.

I also heard from that writing organization I wrote about a couple of weeks ago that I said discriminated against me (I had to take the post down due to paranoia, otherwise I would link to it here). The woman who called was very sweet and sincere and told me all of the people she works with felt awful about what had transpired with me and my application for a mentor. She told me the program was set up to reach people who normally are under-represented and don’t have a voice. Of course I explained that people with a severe mental illness are one of the most marginalized groups in the country.  We spoke for a long time. She listened to me. She heard me, and I told her she was brave and courageous to call me not knowing what kind of response she was going to receive from me.  I really appreciated the call. I felt validated. I felt included. I felt I had spoken my truth and been heard. I was weepy on the call and all day long. I am still a little bit weepy.

Then I had to take care of a household situation. I may not be good at housework, and I may not be good at cooking, but in my house if something comes up with a medical bill, insurance, credit card fraud (it has happened to us five or six times in the past two to three years), or anything like that, I am the one who handles it.

Well, the car we just bought had a rattle. We took it to a Honda dealer and they said it had been in an accident. This wasn’t disclosed to us when we purchased it. I spent most of the day on the phone with people trying to figure out how to handle this situation. I called attorneys, I called the corporate office of Honda, and I called the dealership where we bought it. Because of the possibility of severe paranoia, I did not want to hire an attorney. I finally found a way to resolve the issue directly with the dealership. They said they will inspect the car again and if they made an error, they will make it right with us. The calls and fact gathering took a good part of my day. It was draining to be continually weighing the consequences of a deep and long lasting bout of paranoia if the situation got confrontational or hostile.  Thankfully, I think it is going to be resolved in the most positive way possible – directly between the two parties involved – us and the dealership.

Lastly, over a week ago we had a heat wave and moved a mattress from the spare room into the living room so we could sleep near the air conditioner. The weather has cooled down, but I am having so much fun sleeping in the living room. It is like a camping trip. Last night, after all that had gone on during my day, my husband didn’t have the heart to move us back into the bedroom.

I slept in the living room again last night and my husband made me popcorn to eat while I was curled up in front of the television. Then he told me, “There are times when I think you are twelve.” And we both laughed, because the child in me is so alive and so present even after one of the toughest days I have had in my recent memory.

It is hard to know your limitations when you are mentally ill – the limits that keep you from crossing the line in your mind and losing touch with reality, but it is essential to try and find them, honor them, respect them, and live inside them.  And when you are successful at it, allow yourself to sleep in the living room and eat popcorn. Who cares if people think you act like a twelve year old? I can’t have my armor of protection on all the time – I need to be allowed to play so I have the energy for the next round.

I hope we sleep in the living room through the weekend.

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