Tag Archives: relationship

Carving Out Some Privacy (Or Not Posting Everything To Social Media)

14 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Uncategorized, writing

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Hello. I was gone all weekend celebrating my eighteenth wedding anniversary with my husband.

We didn’t go on a trip. We didn’t buy each other gifts. We didn’t do the “traditional” things people seem to do on a wedding anniversary.

We spent three days in each other’s company. We went to breakfast twice. We walked in the park and on the beach. We bought lots of snacks and binge watched our favorite show while eating comfort food all the while I rested my head on my husband’s chest.

We didn’t post one picture to social media. Why didn’t we post pictures of all that we did? We didn’t post pictures, because we don’t care if people don’t think we have an exciting life. We don’t care if people don’t know that we had an Italian breakfast, or went to one of the restaurants on Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.

I believe the reason we can enjoy each other’s company for three days and think of that as a celebration is because we don’t seek or need the approval of others on social media.

I know how most of my friends celebrate their anniversaries. I know that because they post bouquets of flowers their significant other bought, they post pictures of a meal they either went out to eat or prepared at home. They post pictures of wine bottles, candles, jewelry, or a trip to another city.

Some people on social media (not all, but some) don’t feel as if they have done or been anywhere without posting it on social media to get attention and count the number of “likes.” I don’t know if people post pictures to try and say, “Look at me! I’m important! I have an exciting life!” or if they are so lonely, and attention starved that they need the positive affirmation of a “like” for everything they do.

I feel like I share enough on this blog without sharing pictures of the meals I eat, the places I go, the friends I hang out with, or the trips I go on. I feel like I give people a look into my life and my heart by writing these blog posts. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m not trying to show off to anyone. I don’t feel the need to post every experience on social media to prove to myself or anyone else that my life is interesting and full of wonderful adventures.

Every day we get out of bed has the possibility of being a wonderful adventure.

I’m not envious of people who post vacation photos, food photos, or photos out with friends. I simply find myself saying, “That’s not for me,” and living the majority of my life away from the eyes of social media makes things feel very intimate, personal, and deep. I am present for people not a camera.

I just celebrated eighteen years with the love of my life and no cameras were there to document the weekend. With no eyes on us we got to just live life the way that we are – no Photoshop, no worries about lighting, or getting the right angle. We were not on show for three days – no one liked or ignored our pictures or posts. Servers, tourists and other people in our city saw us live and in the flesh. It was real. The weekend happened, but I don’t need to put it on display. It is in my heart from this day forward, and that does more for my happiness and well-being than a thousand pictures on social media.

If you haven’t put down the camera in a while, you may want to try it. You may find you gain more intimacy as you gain more privacy.

 

 

Recipe For Long Lasting Love

16 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in hope, Uncategorized, writing

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I wish everyone with a mental illness could find a partner who loves and cherishes them for who they are. Most of the joy I experience in life is from having a relationship with my husband. He provides me stability, endless laughter, and the necessary support to rebuild my life each time it falls apart.

Next month, my husband and I will celebrate our eighteenth wedding anniversary.

Each relationship has its unique recipe and ingredients for making things work. I would say our recipe looks like this:

1 cup forgiveness

1 cup communication

1 cup laughter, silliness, and fun

1 cup hope for the future

1 cup commitment

1 cup support and encouragement for one another

1 cup believing in each other against all odds

1 cup compassion

1 cup caregiving

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl of love. Bake it for as many years as you possibly can – it’s never fully cooked, finished or ready – it is always a masterpiece in progress. You can eat from it year after year, and it will fill you up as it grows larger not smaller with each bite you take.

 

Marriage and Mental Illness

24 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia

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I know that many mentally ill people would like to be in a relationship. Here is an article about one such relationship. The husband wrote the article about his relationship with his wife who has a mental illness.  If you are interested in knowing how one couple maneuvers and handles the day to day life when one partner has a mental illness, I suggest you take the ten or fifteen minutes to read the article.

The couple in the article is different than my husband and I. We knew that I was mentally ill when we got married. We thought, at the time, that I had bipolar disorder which later turned out to be a misdiagnosis.

The other differences between the couple in the article and my husband and I, is that I see my husband as my caregiver and my husband absolutely never sees himself as my caregiver.  I don’t know why this huge discrepancy in how we view our roles doesn’t cause us problems, but it never has. I guess if we looked at things together, we are really more of a team in terms of my care. My husband takes responsibility for my medications, but he never has to remind me, or encourage me to take them. Also my husband sees my psychiatrist with me. I don’t go to my appointments alone. Everything about my illness is a joint effort in my home. My husband makes suggestions all the time about how I can better manage my symptoms and I never resent those suggestions (although to be perfectly honest, I don’t always do what he recommends especially where social isolation is involved).

I see these things as major differences between me and the woman in the article. I want my husband to have some responsibility for my care, and she seems to want to do it on her own – she doesn’t take preventative medication and she doesn’t like to be told by her husband how to take better care of herself.

I’m not saying that I am an expert in relationships when one partner is mentally ill, but I have had a very happy marriage for almost two decades. I feel like I have learned and know a thing or two.

There are a few ingredients that are present in my marriage that I think make it work so well and those are:

TRUST: I completely trust my husband except when I am psychotic, at all other times, I trust my safety with him, and I trust his interpretation of reality which is critical for talking me through paranoia. I trust my husband enough to tell him all of my symptoms even when the symptoms are paranoia and anxiety.

MUTUAL RESPECT: I respect my husband and he respects me. My husband never criticizes me for my symptoms and he believes that I believe what is happening to me. I show him the same level of respect for things about him.

COMMUNICATION: My husband and I are able to talk to each other even when the topic is uncomfortable for one of us.

PROTECTION: My husband knows I will protect him against any kind of attack from an outside source (be it family or friends, or anyone else). I know my husband will protect me from similar attacks.

A SENSE OF HUMOR: We laugh every day. In our house, being in a bad mood for more than an hour is rare and considered almost unacceptable – there will be a grand effort by one of us to make the other one laugh if the mood is too dark at our house for too long.

COMMON GOALS: We share some of the same hopes and dreams for our future.

I’m sure if people looked from the outside they might be able to point at things they think are wrong in our marriage, or parts they think are weak.

But to me, my marriage seems like a fairy tale, it is better than all of my hopes and dreams.  For those of you who are looking to find that special someone, but think it is impossible because of your diagnosis, it’s not.  I’m not the best catch in the sea – I’m not a good cook, I don’t have a perfect face or body, and I have paranoid schizophrenia, but if you ask my husband if he has regrets about exchanging vows with me, he’ll tell you he doesn’t. Sure, we have challenges but we face them together, and if I can find someone who sees me as a whole and complex person, you can too – they are out there, you just have to be willing to start a conversation,  that can be as simple as the word, hello.