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~ surviving schizophrenia

A Journey With You

Tag Archives: religion

Faith and a Late Night Prayer

31 Friday Aug 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

brain disease, christianity, faith, hope, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, mystery, religion, schizophrenia], wellness

In the city, it is easy to think about man. In the desert, mountains and on a night at the beach, it is easy to think about God. Last night during my prayers, I wanted to search for God, so the image I brought forth in my mind was me, at seventeen, in Cyprus, walking the beach at night.

I can remember looking at the black sky filled with distant lights and thinking, “What did our ancestors think when they looked up from where they were sleeping and saw this vast and endless sky?” “Those lights hold the answers,” I told myself into my pillow. And that is why while I pray, I imagine that beach, that half moon, those stars that will always be countless.

“Some people think schizophrenia is the same as demon possession,” I say as I imagine my toes, bare, sinking into the wet sand. I know that can’t be true because if it were, it would mean doctors had learned how to silence demons.

I wonder as I imagine the light of the moon reflecting on the water, “Can you disregard the Ten Commandments, seemingly lining up to break every one, and still come back to the title of daughter or son?” The stars blink, winking at me from this Greek Island where I imagine myself walking while I lie in bed.

My cousin has cancer. Several of my friends have cancer. I have lost people to old age, tragedy, and hard living. “I’m not unique in my suffering; it is so important to remind myself,” I almost say out loud. If I die at fifty-three, I will have lived more years than many, and far less than others. It is not a curse I carry but the story of the reality of life.

A cloud covers the moon. The beach becomes darker than before. I say to myself, “So many people criticize Christianity, so many people say it is all fairy tales, and call those of us who believe ignorant, hypocrites, and fools,”  but I can’t go on each day without knowing I can call to you,  question you, run to you from the world that is harsh, violent and sometimes painfully beautiful.

The lights in the sky are shining, and I don’t hear you, but I see you all around. Each star, millions of them leading me to the answers I seek on a beach and ocean far away while the covers on my bed surround me and call me to sleep.

 

 

Non-Western Views of Mental Illness

25 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Islam, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, non-western, religion, schizophrenia], spirituality, sufi

The recent terror attacks in Egypt reminded me of many things from my own life. Because the majority of people killed were Sufis, I thought about how I used to read poetry and stories written by the Islamic mystics.

Before I became psychotic the first time, I used to read a lot about mysticism, spirituality, and religion. I had several books about the Sufis (the mystics of Islam). I was fascinated by the poetry and stories of this sect of Islam. One story that I read (and I have never been able to find it again, and that alone would make a good Sufi story), was about a man who went on a “Sufi Journey.” In his travels, he had meetings with some Sufi masters. One such meeting was with a man, and at that man’s house, a woman was walking around in her nightgown unraveling a tangled ball of yarn. She walked, unraveled, walked, unraveled. When the man trying to learn more about Sufism asked about her, the master said something like; she needs to untangle the yarn. She will be fine. On his journey, he visited that master’s house a couple of times over a several year period, and the woman was always there, always in her nightgown endlessly trying to unravel the yarn. Years later he saw the same woman, she was a successful businesswoman in London, living a remarkable life.

When I read the story, the woman was described as someone who was mentally ill; possibly suffering from something like schizophrenia. Her task was to unravel the yarn, but you never really think she will and then amazingly at the end of the story she is living a “normal” life in a bustling city.

If you are familiar with Sufi writing, it often seems almost nonsensical. I think it is supposed to get your out of your regular or habitual form of thinking, to question, to seek, to accept mysteries. I read this story almost twenty-five years ago, and it stayed with me. I wish I could find the story again. I would like to read it now, as someone who has traveled the journey of mental illness for nearly three decades. I wonder how I would interpret the woman unraveling the yarn and being absorbed in that task so much so that she doesn’t dress or go out in public but wanders the property and house of a Sufi master?

Was the woman mentally ill? Did she recover? Is it possible that some of us must “unravel” in our minds in order to become a new person?

I rarely look at mental illness from other cultures or other perspectives. I don’t do this because there is no way I am going to stop taking my medications and walk a different path than I am right now. I must admit the way that non-westerners see mental illness is of interest to me at times even if I don’t plan to adopt a view outside the medical model.

If you happen to know this story, or where I can find it, please let me know. I think reading it again would be interesting. I wonder if my memory is as solid on this issue as I think it is?

The Complex Relationship Between Schizophrenia and Religion

15 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

christianity, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, religion, religiosity, schizophrenia], thoughts and prayers

For the past few weeks on Facebook, I have seen dozens of posts trying to shame people into not saying that they are “sending thoughts and prayers,” after a disaster or shooting. I can understand people’s frustration with politicians who repeatedly send thoughts and prayers and then vote down gun control or funds for disaster relief. That makes sense to me, but to criticize everyone who says, “thoughts and prayers,” shows a lack of understanding of people who have faith. Not everyone can send money and people who truly do pray, believe their prayers are powerful and that they get heard. I can understand if someone else thinks that praying is useless, but it isn’t useless to others. Why can’t people just have that without it being another way to shame, insult, divide, criticize and act “smarter” than someone else?

When someone has schizophrenia, arguing or insulting them about religion or faith can be cruel or mean. Many of us who have been psychotic have a unique view of religion because many of us have spent time believing we were the Messiah, talking to God, talking to angels, talking to demons or had a unique perspective into the fate or creation or many other things about the world. After our psychosis is cleared up by medication, it can take awhile to “close” that open door in the mind. The past two times I was recovering from psychosis, I watched Christian television for sometimes 8-10 hours a day. The stronger my mind got, the more I saw it as Christian entertainment and less as “the truth.” For instance, I don’t believe people are “overcome” by the Holy Spirit and fall shaking on the ground at the “touch of a man.”  I don’t believe it, but when I am healing my mind, it is a good thing for me to watch, a safe thing for me to watch. If you do believe that please forgive my skepticism.

When an atheist argues with someone who has schizophrenia about religion they don’t know where that person is in their healing, or if they still hear angels, demons, God – medication doesn’t always clear up voices and delusions for everyone. To tell that person that God doesn’t exist and then try to argue with them about it and “prove” why is an exercise in arrogance (which I will say I see a lot of in atheists. The atheists I know think they are smarter than everyone else. Instead of respecting differences, they call religion, “believing in fairy tales” and other condescending things. I have never, not once, met an atheist that wasn’t condescending in their arguments with me. And each of them said they weren’t condescending even after telling me my beliefs were a “crutch” “magical thinking,” etc.).

No one but the person with schizophrenia knows what it is like to go for weeks, months or even years with religious hallucinations, delusions, and voices. It is possible when a person starts to heal; they will reject religion altogether, but with most people that isn’t my experience. Those of us who have had, in many cases, intense and profound religious experiences tend to remain religious even if we know that our former experiences were not part of a “healthy” mind.

I think if you want to argue or debate religion it is best to do it with people who haven’t experienced a psychotic break that involved religiosity. No one can say how we have been altered and changed by that experience and which parts of it were Biblically accurate or completely formed from the disease. It is best to allow people with schizophrenia to work out their complex feelings about religion with someone who is compassionate and extremely educated about theology, not someone looking to argue, debate and “prove” how intellectually superior they are.

 

 

 

Atheists and Me

05 Monday Sep 2016

Posted by A Journey With You in Uncategorized

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

articles, atheists, christianity, debate, essays, faith, hope, illness, inspiration, patheos, religion, religious

I don’t usually talk about my faith or politics here. I have strong feelings about both, but this blog has never been about that. So, if you are uninterested in issues of faith, then skip my latest article on Patheos: No Matter How Smart They Think They Are, Atheists Don’t Shake My Faith.   If you have an interest, pop over there and let me know what you think – either way, I hope you are healthy in body and mind.

I Am Not Demon Possessed, And It Is Ignorant And Cruel To Say Otherwise

11 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by A Journey With You in bipolar, heroes, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized, writing

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

christ, christianity, demon possession, demons, hope, jesus, love, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, religion, schizophrenia], writer, writing

I rarely write about politics or religion. In fact, I keep my political views and my religious views fairly private. I doubt many of you know that I am a Christian, but I am. I’m not the kind of Christian that preaches to anyone. I’m not the kind of Christian that calls people sinners. I’m not the kind of Christian that talks about my faith at all unless it is with my husband or with my aunt or my mom.

I am going to write about religion today, though. Normally, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt the reputation of the church or Christians in general, but I sincerely hope this serves as a smack down to Christians everywhere that push the most vulnerable of our society away from the doors of a church.

You see, I have schizophrenia, and today, a relatively popular blogger wrote about “double-mindedness” saying that you can’t have Scripture in your mind and believe in evolution at the same time and that to do so would be like having schizophrenia. I wrote to this blogger and told him he had a misunderstanding of schizophrenia and that it wasn’t like that at all. He replied to me by telling me to show him someone with schizophrenia and he would show me someone who is demon possessed and that a person like that has no Scripture in them.

I wrote back that I have schizophrenia, and I am a Christian.

What happened today is not the first time that someone acting as a “teacher” of God’s word has said something against me or other people with a mental illness.

Let me tell you what I believe. I believe in a man named, Jesus. I believe that he was radical. I believe he was a champion of the poor, the marginalized – the sick, the elderly, the widows, etc. I believe he was kind, compassionate, strong, and loving. I believe I am exactly the kind of person he would have included and not excluded.

Telling me that I am demon possessed because I have schizophrenia is like telling me that God hates me. Look, I pray. I have prayed not to have schizophrenia, but I gave up those prayers. Illness is a part of life and not a punishment from God. I don’t believe just because I have a mental illness, and you don’t, that God is more present or alive in you than in me. If anything, if you are turning vulnerable people away from seeking refuge in the church, I believe you are the one who is empty of the spirit of God.

I have met so many Christians that say they love Jesus yet victimize the very people he came to save. If you don’t care for the poor, the sick, the needy, the marginalized then you don’t know Jesus – that is a fact, plain and simple. He didn’t bring us the Old Testament with an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth and all of that. He brought us the new covenant, and it is about radical love.

You see, I know a thing or two about Jesus. He is my king and my hero. He wouldn’t allow me to be demon possessed and for you to say otherwise proves to me we don’t worship the same God.  I know I am not perfect, but I know that I am loved.

And just for a little reality check, if I have demons how come medication kicks their ass?

If You Don’t Like to Read About God, Skip This Post

05 Saturday Sep 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in writing

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

atheist, chiristianity, compassion, creative nonfiction, essays, faith, god, greed, heart, hope, illness, love, politics, religion, suffering, syria, war, writing

I saw a three-year-old boy in a red shirt and blue shorts, and baby shoes on his tiny feet. He was face down in the sand on the beach with the waves the only life left near his body.  And I wept because his death was man-made and with no consequences for the world that let him down.

Several of my nieces and nephews are atheists and we have had many discussions about Christianity, religion in general, faith and belief in God. So often, people will say “If there is a God, why is there so much suffering?” And my response is always the same, “The majority of suffering is man-made.”

I believe that God gave us most of the resources to prevent suffering, but we choose greed, politics, hatred, self-interest and a number of other things as a reason not to respond. There is no good excuse for anyone on the planet to go hungry. We have the resources to feed the world, and yet, there are people in the United States who are hungry, and people starving in various places of the world. We have the technology and money to provide clean water, and sanitation to the world, and yet it doesn’t get done. We have the means to vaccinate children to protect them from so many diseases that cut their lives short. And then there are the unspeakable tragedies of war – man-made killing and suffering at its most extreme, violent, and hateful.

Of course there would still be death and suffering even if we used our resources to truly help one another, but how different those deaths would be, and how different the experience of suffering would be if the person who was ill, or injured, or who had lost their home and family to an earthquake or tornado, knew that the world was a caring, gentle place, and that people would work together to ease their pain as much as possible.

Open arms. Open hearts. Open wallets. Action. Dedication. Compassion. Love.

You can tell me that “A Good God wouldn’t allow so much suffering.” And I will tell you that humanity is responsible for most of that suffering.

I saw the father of the three-year-old weeping. At first he held his three-year-old son, and then when that boy drowned, he held his five-year-old son, and when that boy drowned, he held his wife until she too died in his arms. There are only people to blame for the suffering of these lost lives and for the survivor’s grief. People created this tragedy.

God gave us the resources to ease each other’s suffering, but the resources are divided unevenly causing injustice, tragedy, and war. No matter how much you want to blame God, it would be more accurate to point at people, and in some cases, a mirror.

The Trouble With God

26 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

christianity, god, hope, life, mental illness, religion, schizophrenia

I wish it was as simple as, do you believe in God?

Do you believe in the Bible?

Do you believe in Jesus?

Yes, to all of those things, but I have also believed I was Jesus.

I have spent months while psychotic, hearing the voice of God.

I have played video games with God and almost beat him.

I have walked through the streets of Los Angeles believing that I was not only witnessing the second coming of Christ, I embodied the second coming of Christ.

I have fed people food that I prepared while God told me which ingredients to add.  I believed that food would heal them.

God taught me to draw, to paint, to cook, and to sew.  God showed me how to make a Christmas tree out of copper wire and marbles that was one of the coolest Christmas trees I have ever seen.

God taught me how to decorate my apartment in a fantastic way.

I have known God intimately, at least while I was psychotic.  When I am stable on my medication, I go to church.

I try to sort out who the God of the Bible is compared to who the God of my psychotic mind is.  This is no easy task.

At times I miss the God of my psychotic mind.  He talks to me constantly and is wildly creative.  He shows me mystical and magical things.  He lets me in on secrets.  He tells me jokes that make me laugh.

The God of my stable mind is silent.

I reach out to him through prayer, but there is no clear answer.

I have a blessed life, and I thank God for each and every blessing that comes my way.  I believe he watches over me.  I believe he hears my prayers.  I believe he is ever present.

I believe someday I will meet him, and my first question will be, “If not you, then who?”

I think he’ll tell me he was there, watching over me, protecting me from myself.

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