It is all About the Risk

12 Saturday May 2018

Posted by A Journey With You in caregivers, hope, mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

Tags

anxiety, brain disease, hope, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, schizophrenia], social anxiety, social isolation, wellness

People with schizophrenia (and those without) frequently have difficulty in social situations. I figured out what the big deal is behind some of the anxiety, discomfort, awkwardness of social situations for so many of us, and what I discovered was that it has to do with risk. We all have to risk something to be around other people and interact with them.

I am in a class right now, and I am required to critique other writer’s work. I critiqued one woman’s essay and completely misunderstood what she wrote. She may have thought that I am dense, or that I am a poor reader, others in the class may have thought that my schizophrenia impacts my cognitive abilities or many other things. The point is, to be in the class, I have to take risks. I have to risk looking stupid. I have to risk misunderstandings of all kinds. There is so much to risk just by taking a class.

Going to parties, or having a job, or going to coffee with a friend, all of these things require risks on different levels. Having a job involves a lot more risk than going to a party, and having coffee with a friend requires less risk than that of attending a party. But all social interactions require us to take risks. The better we are at taking risks, and recovering from flaws, mistakes, failures, etc. probably corresponds with our level of anxiety about being with people.

Before I was on medication, making a mistake or being embarrassed could cause me to spend the whole night awake thinking about what a fool or failure I was, and I would play the incident out in my head over and over again. I would torture myself. Now, that I am on medication, and my inner voice is very subdued, if not almost non-existent, I am not as hard on myself. I wonder if some of this has to do with age and the fact that I am more gentle with myself in general? I’m not sure, but for whatever reason, I recover much quicker from social “mistakes” than I used to.

I think this “recovery” from slip-ups, missteps, accidents, misunderstandings, etc. is what keeps me from slipping into complete social isolation. I am not “horrified” that I am an imperfect person and that those imperfections play out in the social arena every time I enter it. I also don’t consider myself a complete failure or idiot for making a mistake or looking foolish.

This discovery felt very relevant to me this morning after thinking about my class and my interactions with other people.

The Internet for the Mentally Ill

24 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, relationships, schizophrenia

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Art, benefits, bipolar, college, computers, creativity, current affairs, depression, friends, history, Internet, medications, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, network, photography, psychiatrist, psychology, schizophrenia, school, social isolation, symptoms, therapist, triggers

I was talking to my psychiatrist about my how I socially isolate and he said that he knew people frequently disregarded social media as a place to build real relationships because there is the tendency for people to be inauthentic on social media – only presenting their good side. But he suggested that for people with a mental illness it could be the difference between interacting and not interacting with people. I know for me, the majority of the time, I am in a room by myself writing, reading, or participating on social media.

When I was first diagnosed with a mental illness back in the 90’s the Internet was just starting to be popular and it was very expensive (you paid by the hour for services like AOL), it was dial-up and very slow compared to today. Businesses were just starting to build websites and people communicated in chat rooms.

I’ve lived with a severe mental illness for over two decades and in that time I have seen the opportunities for people with all kinds of mental health issues explode on the Internet. Here are fourteen of the most obvious ways that the mental health community can benefit from the Internet.

You can email your doctor
You can keep a blog to document your history (to share with a therapist or psychiatrist)
You can track your symptoms
You may be able to discover what triggers your symptoms
You can write down your daily thoughts in order to help you with your memory later
You can make friends
You can communicate with others
You can join a support group
You can use it to network
You can help others
You can develop your creativity (photography, art, writing)
You may be able to find work
You can take classes or earn a degree
You can educate yourself about your illness, or current affairs, or almost anything

These are the most obvious benefits that wide use of the Internet has brought to people with mental illnesses who may be isolated socially. I have used the Internet in all of these ways, and I am comfortable saying that the Internet has improved the quality of my life tremendously and afforded me opportunities I wouldn’t be able to handle otherwise. I am currently working toward a certificate in creative nonfiction from a great school (UCLA), I am working at developing a career as a writer, I am networking with other writers, I communicate with people from all over the world, and I read stories and news daily.

Many people see the negative side of having computers be such a big part of our lives, but I would say for the mentally ill and the mental health community, it has opened so many doors that may have been impossible twenty years ago.

It may be true that many people are not authentic on social media and those relationships often lack depth, truth and meaning, but I think if you pan for the gold that is among the rocks and sand you are bound to find it. I’ve found it, chunks of it are everywhere.

Symptoms and Celebrations

15 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by A Journey With You in mental illness, schizophrenia

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

anxiety, celebration, friends, mental health, mental illness, mentally ill, paranoid schizophrenia, psychiatry, psychology, schizophrenia, social anxiety, social isolation, symptoms, weekend, writing

There are things I do in order to adjust to my illness. My husband goes along with these adjustments to accommodate me and make me as comfortable as possible in every setting. I don’t know what other couples have to deal with but I imagine they make concessions for one another too. Schizophrenia is complicated and never far from our life, but most of the time we don’t notice it threatening or knocking at the door – we have grown so accustomed to trying to keep it silent by altering our lives.

Last night we met up with our regular group of friends (there are eight of us in the group). We met up at a bar in a part of the city that makes me uncomfortable. It is possible to find free parking around the bar if you are willing to circle a few blocks out. It is summer right now, so it stays light much longer, but when we meet at this bar in the winter time, it is always dark when we leave.

I don’t like walking through certain neighborhoods even during the day, but walking them at night terrifies me. My husband really loves these outings with our friends, and it is definitely good for me to socialize with people besides my husband. So, we make an effort to go, and the way we handle parking is something my husband and I agreed upon over three years ago when we first started meeting up there. We pay for parking in the lot right next to the bar.

My husband and I are usually very frugal and don’t spend extra money on anything, but in order for me not to be overcome by anxiety, we pay the eight dollars. Our friends always tease us about paying for parking but we know it is well worth it for me to enjoy our time with our friends and not spend the whole night focused on the fear of walking to the car when we leave.

Eight dollars is very little to pay for peace of mind.

We are meeting with the same group of friends for brunch tomorrow, and then one of our friends is performing in the park later in the day, and we plan to go and watch her play her guitar and sing.

I have spent the whole week in the house. I have barely stepped outside, and the only person I have talked to face to face is my husband. The strange thing is, I don’t mind this social isolation at all. Tonight before going to the bar, I wanted to back out of our plans, but my husband was insistent. It was one of our friend’s birthdays last week, and another one of our friends just completed graduate school.

I have such a good time when we all get together, but getting me there is the hard part.

With the happy hour last night, and the brunch today, I consider the weekend to be fully packed. I may go into shock from laughing and talking so much (I tend to talk a lot when we all get together, or at least I think I do. I definitely laugh a lot).

Sunday, my husband and I plan to have cream cheese, smoked salmon, capers, red onions and slices of tomatoes on toasted bagels for breakfast. We will also buy cream for our coffee as a special treat (we normally use milk). This is the breakfast we always have when we are celebrating something special with my husband’s family. We have been doing it for seventeen years. It is the first time my husband and I will prepare this meal for just the two of us without having relatives over or being at a relative’s house.

For someone who has social anxiety and who socially isolates seeing friends three times in one weekend is reason to celebrate.

Heck, being alive is worth celebrating, and so is having a spare eight bucks to pay for parking.

We don’t need to wait for the relatives, we can have our own party for any reason we want to.

Here’s to you celebrating this weekend – have a great time!