Tag Archives: suicide

A Case Against My Suicide

04 Monday Feb 2019

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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I sit and look out over the San Diego Bay. What led me to this Southern tip of the United States involves a road trip to thirty-four states, selling all of my possessions, buying a seventeen –foot van, a decision to move to Abu Dhabi and a family drama that was so vicious and hateful I still have nightmares about it all these years later. Those details are just the small stuff, though. There is a before San Diego. There is a before my husband.

There is a bridge, three bottles of pills and two strangers. I didn’t do it for attention. I wasn’t saying, “Help me, look at me, notice me,” or anything like that. I wasn’t reaching out or thinking about a rescue. I was thinking about putting an end to a fractured mind.

On the bridge, a man gave me his hand and pulled me over the ledge to safety. On the interstate between Tacoma and Seattle, a man stopped after I passed out behind the wheel of my car. The details are blurry because by then the medication was pumping through my body with every heartbeat. The man waited for an ambulance. His last words before they closed the door, were, “Is she going to make it?”

I don’t know the exact day they rushed me to the hospital and spent all night monitoring my heart. I wish I did know the day so I could celebrate my anniversary, my second chance, the beginning of the new. I do know it it has been somewhere close to twenty years ago.

Twenty birthdays I came within minutes of not having. Twenty Christmas stockings that I would never have opened. A marriage to the love of my life where I would have never said, “I do.” There are approximately 7,300 mornings of kissing my husband. There are over 7,000 times I have heard the words, “I love you,” in the morning and before I go to sleep. It is the sunsets and sunrises. It is a morning cup of coffee.

It is hearing the voices of my parents and my brothers. It is doing things for the first time like baking biscuits or doing something the thousandth time like taking a long walk. It is trying new foods like kale or cauliflower pizza dough. It is a being a part of new trends. It is watching social media develop and the ability to send video and emojis on a smartphone.

It is watching my nieces and nephews grow from toddlers to adults. It is the incredible highs like a published article or poem in a prestigious magazine or journal. It is incredible lows and sadness as you watch your country fracture and fight. It is crying at car commercials and stories about lost pets. It is donating to a GoFundMe campaign. It is finishing a novel you are sure you would never forget (and then forgetting it). It is seeing artists express themselves in words, photographs, paint, clay, fabric, neon, and every other imaginable material and way.

It is putting on soft pajamas before bed or spending a day in those same pajamas. It is waking up every morning for over twenty years with the words, “Thank you,” on your lips as a cry, a sigh, and a prayer.

Mental Illness (Brain Diseases) in the News

06 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in bipolar, caregivers, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Over the past two weeks, the public learned of three celebrities who are, or were, living with bipolar disorder, and rather than the media using this as the perfect time to educate people about mental illness, the cause of it, the symptoms of it, the available treatment options, many people fell back on stigma.
Many people questioned how Kate Spade could be so selfish as to take her life when she would be leaving behind a daughter, and I read a lot of misunderstanding about her “having everything.” These statements assume that Kate Spade was in her “right mind.”
Depression is not only the thief of joy it is a liar. Depression tells many people that their loved ones would be better off without them. Depression is more than just a feeling that a jog, trip to the spa, or a lunch with friends, can help someone overcome. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not weakness, just like schizophrenia, it is a brain disease.
I heard a report that Kate had been self-medicating with alcohol for some years and that she didn’t feel like she could get help because of the impact that attention would have on her brand. That is the stigma, and it costs us the lives of people. The tragedy that ended Kate’s life might have been different if we were more educated, accepting, and open about the realities of mental illness.
On the other end of this, is Kayne West admitting that at 39 he received the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and that bipolar disorder is his superpower. I don’t know the details of Kayne’s illness, but I do know what romanticizing mental illness is and what it sounds like and that is what Kayne is doing. Having received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my twenties, the first thing I did was to read about all the “creative geniuses” who have and had it.
I thought that my creativity was a symptom of bipolar disorder. All these years later, and with a diagnosis of schizophrenia now, I don’t believe my creativity comes from my illness. I think I would have been far more successful in this life if I didn’t have to manage and deal with a brain disease – it impacts me every day, and it is disruptive and hinders me from my full potential.
Then there was Rosanne Barr and her racist tweet. I am sorry that Roseanne Barr has bipolar disorder, I am sorry for every single person, famous, or homeless (it doesn’t matter) who has to deal with the consequences of a brain disease, but Rosanne made mental illness look like a character flaw. Being bipolar doesn’t excuse racism, and it doesn’t create it either. Bipolar disorder can hinder impulse control, cause disordered thinking, cause delusions or strange beliefs, but a diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean you will be a racist – that has to do with character and personality and isn’t a symptom I have heard of regarding any mental illness.
I don’t know everything about mental illness, statistics and my experience are all I have to form conclusions. I do know that when mental illness is in the news this much that the media rarely helps us out with educational and stigma-busting information.

 

Looking for Support? Don’ t Trust the Web

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in bipolar, heroes, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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Trigger Warning: Suicide

There is so much that is helpful and beneficial on the internet, and there is so much that is harmful and negative. Three of the things I love most about the internet is the ability to network with writers, and mental health advocates/agencies/nonprofits, the access to many university-level classes in writing, and the access to information to satisfy my curiosity or for research.

But like I mentioned before, the internet is not all healthy, rewarding, educational. Two of the things that I find harmful on the internet is the comment section under articles I write (I have written about suicide and had people comment that I should kill myself), and the support groups that are unmoderated on social media like Facebook.

There are several groups for people with schizophrenia, and so frequently I see young women posting pictures of themselves in the groups, and it appears they are simply looking for attention. I don’t see how that is at all relevant to schizophrenia or helping or supporting others. There are also posts that frequently say that the person is thinking of harming their self. I think it is awful to post those kinds of alarming situations anonymously in a group of people who are already dealing with mental health issues. Of course, those posts get hundreds of responses asking how to contact the person, how to report the post to Facebook, asking the person to call a crisis line, etc.

I realize that some people are all alone and have nowhere else to post their pain and their struggles, but it isn’t safe to do that sort of thing on social media or anywhere else on the internet. If you are in crisis, there are people just waiting to tell you to go ahead and harm yourself. There are also trolls that use those rooms/groups to play jokes on people (of course I don’t think it is funny, but they do).

I love the internet, and I am addicted to social media but other than using it to network with people (helping me stay less isolated), I don’t use it to better my mental health. I know that resources are few and money is tight for so many people, but if you are using the internet to get support, or get advice, make sure that you are dealing with a group or people who are safe and legitimate.

Please don’t post about a crisis and expect professional help. If you are having a crisis, please go to the nearest hospital or call your local crisis line. The internet is great and provides so many benefits to our lives but it can also be dark and dangerous, and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.  Stay safe friends.

On Ignorance, Outrage and xojane (CW:Suicide)

21 Saturday May 2016

Posted by in bipolar, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized, writing

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Earlier this week an article was posted on xojane’s web page titled, “My Former Friend’s Death Was a Blessing.” I would link to the article, but it is no longer there. An apology from the editor is in its place. The premise of the article was that a young woman’s death was better than living her life with a mental illness.

When I first read the article, my breath caught in my throat, and my heart started to quicken. “Is this real?” I asked. “The author thinks people with a mental illness are better off dead?” I spent the remainder of that day reading responses and posts from all across the Internet. The reaction was swift. The outrage was real.

I wasted a whole day feeling bad knowing that some people believe mentally ill people are better off dead than alive.

I read the article again. The article is the voice and opinion of one woman, a woman who doesn’t know the symptoms of mental illness. The writer seemed to sloppily include details in her essay to try and prove what a “miserable” life her former friend had. She includes things like a messy room and Facebook posts, and claims the woman was delusional but doesn’t give any examples of specific delusions her former friend had.

It was a poorly written article by an extremely ignorant person. I am certain the author knew it would be controversial, but I am equally certain she knows nothing about mental illness. In an interview with the Daily Dot, the author said, “Do you know the laws in America? You can’t just put away mentally ill people even if they need help.”

Those “mentally ill people” happen to number in the millions, and when you consider all of their loved ones and friends, the number of people touched by mental illness is probably at least half of the population. After all, one in four Americans suffers from a mental illness in their lifetime.

I have frequently written that the Internet lights up and shoots fire every time there is a racist or homophobic article (rightfully so).  I have also pointed out that this isn’t the case when horrible stuff is written involving the mentally ill. I have never seen outrage over the use of the words, crazy, psycho, tinfoil hat, insane, psycho, etc. Those words are common in our interactions on the Internet and our speech.

I have constantly felt on the outside. I have frequently felt that me, and people like me, are the punch line of people’s jokes, and little is being done to change this culture.

How fitting that the Internet finally responded to a hateful article written about the mentally ill during Mental Health Awareness Month.

What did I learn during my lost day trying to process this article? Some people (a whole lot of them) care about the mentally ill as much as they do about all of us considered “others.”

People care!  Damn, I couldn’t be happier to know that. The outrage was beautiful. Thank you to everyone who wrote a response, left a comment, and wrote to the editors. That article said I would be better off dead and thousands and thousands of you proved that you don’t believe that.

I’ll take a poorly written article that shows the author’s ignorance any day if that article is going to receive the kind of response that “My Former Friend’s Death Was a Blessing” received. I know now that most people care about all marginalized people and not just some. I know now that people will speak up and fight for me and those like me.

We matter. We matter. Damn right, we matter.

Thanks, people. Thanks every single one of you. This writer’s heart broke open and saw goodness, compassion, and care in ways I’ve never seen it before. The ignorance doesn’t sting as much when I accept and acknowledge all of the support.

Thank you.

We can combat ignorance and hate against all people, one article at a time.

Links to a few of the responses:

Salon: http://www.salon.com/2016/05/20/worst_personal_essay_ever_xojane_scrapes_the_bottom_of_the_hate_read_barrel/

Jezebel:

http://jezebel.com/xojane-publishes-terrible-article-by-a-woman-who-s-glad-1777778960

Luna Luna:

http://www.lunalunamagazine.com/blog/xo-jane-former-friend-death-was-a-blessing

 

 

 

When The Bluebird Sings (Trigger Warning -Suicide)

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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The bluebird is a messenger of the Divine. They fly side by side with angels. (From Universe of Symbolism)

I just hung up the phone from talking to my brother. One of his friend’s, daughter also had schizophrenia.

Sing me a song bluebird.

I say had, because she found a gun, found the cartridge, put the two together, took a walk and never came back.

Sing me a song bluebird.

Her father goes through all the “what if’s” and the “if only,” his pain so raw and his mind searching for answers.

I know the voices she heard. I know the terror. I know the fear. I know how they tell you to take your own life. They demand it, and some of us give in. Fighting voices is a serious battle, one some of us will never win.

Sing me a song bluebird.

I find her on the path where her body was discovered. I hold her in my arms. I want to tell her, “Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Beautiful girl there can be love, there can be children, and there can be a career. There can be sunsets, and harvest moons, and a swim in the ocean. There can be life. You were barely past childhood and the oyster would reveal her pearl to you, in time.”

Sing me a song bluebird.

All of us who live with schizophrenia are warriors. Sleep little warrior. Dream. Dream of us all in a place where there is quiet but no desperation. Dream us all in a place where there is light but no interrogations. Dream us all in a place where our minds are not the enemy but the connection to our heart and to our joy. Dream. Dream. Dream.

Sing me a song bluebird.

Sing me a song, show me a sign. 

Equality And Justice For All

28 Monday Dec 2015

Posted by in bipolar, mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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Yesterday my husband and I watched Netflix all day because my back was hurting and the two of us came down with a cold. We watched an old movie, “Regarding Henry,” and we watched a documentary from 2007 called, “For the Bible Tells Me So.”

“Regarding Henry” is about an attorney, who isn’t a nice guy. He gets shot and has to learn everything all over again. It is about his transformation. It is a feel good movie.

“For the Bible Tells Me So” is a documentary about how many people in the church have treated their gay children and the things that many pastors and famous preachers have preached about being gay. It only got three stars on Netflix (probably because of a poorly done cartoon that explains studies scientists have done to find the cause of homosexuality, and it lists all the medical associations that no longer consider it a disorder). Besides the strange cartoon plopped in the middle of the documentary my husband and I both think it is worth watching.

Many people writing about mental illness call themselves advocates, and I want to suggest that if we are going to be effective advocates, we need to advocate for equality and inclusion for all people. I didn’t know this, but LGBTQ teens had a much higher rate of suicidal ideation and attempted suicide than the general population.

Suicide is a problem that should be on the radar of any mental health advocate. The other things that should be on our radar are the number of people of color locked in prisons and who suffer from a mental illness. Women should be on our radar too because it is a fact that doctors often dismiss their complaints or treat their pain in a much less aggressive manner than they do that of men. Also, the percentage of mentally ill women in prison is higher than that of men. 

I have known for a long time that there is an intersection between disability issues, feminism, racism, and LGBTQ issues. As someone who cares passionately about the issues regarding the mentally ill, and how we are perceived, treated, talked about, housed, etc. There is no way to move away from these other issues.

To be an educated advocate for the mentally ill and to understand all of the issues and how they intersect, collide, and combine with other issues, we need to start reading about feminism, racism, LGBTQ. The problems inherent in these movements are also our problems, not just because equality and justice are something we are fighting for, and we should help others to achieve – these issues have an impact on the mental health of Americans as a whole. The way I see it is that we must move forward hand in hand because if we leave one group behind that group will keep the rest of us from truly flourishing. Many of us are in this together.

People Magazine

24 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized

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The letter I wrote to Santa last week was posted on People Magazine’s website. You can check out the article here.

I am spending the day with family and friends. I hope you are, too.

I’ll be back on Saturday with a troubling story, but one I think needs to be discussed.

If you celebrate the holiday, Merry Christmas!

 

 

Artists Who Promote Stereotypes Of Mental Illness

13 Sunday Dec 2015

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized

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I try to buy products that are handmade, recycled, upcycled, used, etc. I go to thrift stores, used book shops, and love the website, Etsy. The reason I do that is so that I can feel good about all of my purchases knowing I didn’t contribute to companies that harm their workers, use child labor, or pollute the environment. Of course I also support small businesses by shopping at Etsy and support many nonprofits by shopping in their thrift stores. It is a win-win situation all around.

I am not always successful at being a conscientious consumer though. There are times when I am in a hurry and buy products that I normally wouldn’t buy, or times, when I don’t do my research and find out later that I have supported a business, corporation, or in the case I am about to tell you about, some artists that I had no idea created stereotypical information about people with mental illnesses.

I saw this band, and a video they made, in my newsfeed on Facebook (the link I am sharing isn’t the same one I originally saw).   I listened to the song again and again because I loved their remake of the original (I like the original, too).

I posted the video to my Facebook page.

Yesterday, I decided to look up the band on YouTube and see if they had any more songs that I like. This is the first song I found (Trigger Warning – suicide).  Is it possible for the band, Disturbed, to be any more stereotypical about mental illness than they are in that video?  The part that really bothers me is that the video has well over ten million views.

I do not want to support a band that makes videos like that. I guess they think that mental illness and psych wards make you edgy, dangerous, different, and cool. It is easy to see why so many teenagers write poetry about mental illness and inaccurately think they are “crazy.” When the bands you listen to and look up to are making videos that you watch over and over again and those videos are about stereotypes of mental illness – when was the last time you wore a uniform in the psych ward? That isn’t of course the worst of it – the message of the video is that the “keepers” of the psych ward are “jailers” and they are out to punish, change, hurt, and subdue, and even kill you.

I find that people who fall back on stereotypes to sell their art are not very creative. They certainly aren’t edgy, different, or cool. To be truly cool and edgy you have to put a new message out there. This one is as old as lobotomies, and I give this band a thumb down. No, worse than that, I give them an F at social messaging that impacts others. They reached millions of people with images that harm millions of Americans. I wish the media would pick up on this type of “stereotyping” and call artists out and hold them accountable. It is a shame that they can make money by making our lives worse – we have to live with the stereotypes they promote. This band reminds me that we have such a long way to go in seeing mental illness as the disease that it is, and we can’t even count on artists to take us the next mile or so – we have to move ourselves forward and it feels like we have to do that by crawling on our hands and knees.

 

Dear Santa

07 Monday Dec 2015

Posted by in bipolar, heroes, hope, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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Dear Santa,

There is only one thing on my Christmas list this year. I would like you to find two men and deliver this letter in a sealed envelope in their stockings. If they don’t have stockings, can you please hang one for them?

Here is all I know about the men, and why I want to give them this letter:

On a night back in 1997 I stopped my car on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, climbed over the railing and was hanging high above the icy water of the Puget Sound. A man stopped his car, came to the edge and said, “Give me your hand.” That man pulled me to safety.

On the same night, I took all of my prescribed medication and then drove my car. I passed out on I-5 between Tacoma and Seattle. A man stopped his car, tried to wake me, had difficulty getting me to respond, so he called 911 (I don’t know how as cell phone were pretty rare then). He waited with me, and tried to keep me conscious until an ambulance arrived. I remember him asking, “Is she going to be alright?”

Santa, here is the letter:

To the two men who saved my life,

You are directly responsible for giving me the opportunity to find the love of my life and experience 17 years of marital happiness. My husband and I are grateful.

You are directly responsible for giving me almost two more decades with my family (hopefully, there will be more). My family and I are grateful.

You are directly responsible for serving the elderly, the homeless, and college students in the jobs I have had since you saved my life. I am sure there are people whose lives I have impacted in a positive way that would be grateful.

You are directly responsible for the blog that I have been keeping over the last nine months that encourages, educates, and uplifts people living with, or caring for someone with, a severe mental illness.

You are directly responsible for allowing me to become and be a good friend to many people.

You are directly responsible for the woman I let get in front of me in the grocery line last night. You are directly responsible for the surprise, gratitude, and appreciation people have shown when I randomly bought their coffee or groceries, and for the neighbors who I have babysat for, made cakes for, and brought soup to when they were sick.

I am an average person, but in an average life, many people are touched, changed, loved, helped, and made to feel special or cared for.

I’m not going to save the planet or solve world hunger, but the past 18 years have been the best of my life, and I have tried to live with an attitude of gratitude and generosity. You made a remarkable difference in so many people’s lives – kept some from grieving, helped some find love, helped some find jobs, comforted others.

You never left your name so I could thank you in person, but I know Santa has his ways, so I’ll leave it in his hands.

I just wanted to tell you how much your choice on that night back in 1997 mattered. It mattered to a lot of people. It continues to matter. I am so thankful for the two of you.

I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. Your kindness, compassion and concern have literally given me life. I don’t have anything but stories to share with you – I hope they will lift your heart.

Merry Christmas.

 

Being Fair To Writers

02 Wednesday Dec 2015

Posted by in mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, writing

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I know I have encouraged all of you whose blogs I follow to keep writing, because you never know who you will reach, or who you will touch. Well, I had one of those experiences today. The author, Carmiel Banasky, contacted me today about the blog post I wrote a week or so ago about her book, The Suicide of Claire Bishop. You can find my post here.  

I did not go easy on this author who created a fictional character with schizophrenia. I questioned much of her work even before reading the book. Well, I will spend the rest of my day reading her book, because I just downloaded it onto my Kindle. Why the urgency? I feel like I owe it to the author to actually read the book and see how she actually creates the world of a character with schizophrenia.

So, as a writer who wants people to be fair to me, I am going to spend the day reading Carmiel’s book in order to be fair to her. I have to say upfront that she wrote me a very nice letter, and she was very concerned about the use of the word, “schizophrenic.”  I can honestly say she comes off as a caring and kind person – one who would not intentionally contribute to a negative view of schizophrenia. She won points with me.

And to all of you who blog, keep up the good work, you are making a difference!