This morning schizophrenia doesn’t seem like such a big topic. It doesn’t seem quite as pressing as usual. It certainly isn’t on the forefront of my mind.
I am thinking of Paris. I am thinking of all those innocent people who lost their lives and how their families are grieving and how the witnesses will probably suffer psychological disturbances for the rest of their lives.
I am thinking there was a time when I used to say, “Mom, I’m going to ride my bike,” and I would be outside until my mother blew a whistle to call all four of her children in.
I am thinking of a time when I went door to door by myself, in neighborhoods that were not my own, and sold Girl Scout Cookies.
I am thinking about a time when I walked to school and back home again, or walked several miles to a friend’s house.
I am thinking of a time when schools didn’t have metal detectors.
I am thinking of a time when flying on a plane was unusual, and most of the people I knew had never done it.
I am thinking about a time when going to another country was exotic not something people did for business or their annual vacation.
I am thinking of a time when I had never heard of the word terrorist.
I am thinking of a time when we were not at war.
I am thinking of a time when murder wasn’t on the nightly news.
I am thinking of a time when we owned bb guns and had never heard of an AK47.
I am thinking of a time when I was so excited to go to a baseball game or a move theater and my safety never occurred to me.
I am thinking of a time when the only monsters I knew of were under my bed or in my closet, but would disappear as soon as my parents or brothers turned on the lights.
I am thinking of the loss of innocence and how we never get it back again.
I am thinking of all the murders we have to try and live with on a daily basis. How much terror is too much terror? What will happen to us if as adults we can no longer grieve the sheer number of those murdered? Will it destroy our hearts?